Single Solitary Things

Then They Came For Me

2012-02-02T00:06:00.001-07:00

I really want to write about the controversy over the mandated contraception and sterilization ruling as determined by Health and Human Services - but I'm a bit overwhelmed by my rage over the situation.

(Which really frustrates me because I want to be timely) Partly, I feel like I just can't articulate my thoughts on the subject as well as I would like - and the other part is, I'm just so tired.

Here's the nutshell. The O-God-Help-Us Administration has ruled that every employer in America, including Catholic institutions, must provide contraception, sterilization and abortion-inducing drugs in their company health plans. Even if doing so violates their conscious. (it does).

Set aside for a moment that this is about contraception. Not everyone is ever going to agree with the Church's position on contraception, so let's not argue about that. What this is REALLY about is religious freedom. Bishop Timothy Dolan, President of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops says it best in the video link which I have partially quoted below;

"Never before has the Federal Government forced individuals and organizations to go out into the marketplace and buy a product that violates their conscience. This shouldn't happen in a land where free exercise of religion ranks first in the bill of rights. How about letting our elected leaders know we want religious liberty and rights of conscience restored."

This ruling is a direct, obvious and blatant violation of the first amendment which states that Congress shall make no law prohibiting the free exercise of religion.

Even if you're not Catholic... if you believe in God and seek to serve Him at all... you should be concerned about this ruling. Because, if it stands, your beliefs are next.

A few months ago I said that our government was going to set out to destroy religious freedom. I predicted that they would go after Mormonism first, and the Catholics would be next. Seems the attention has flipped. You should know that I would gladly stand in defense of my Mormon friends should their fundamental beliefs be under attack.

I'm taking a bit of the easy way out here... and I'm going to link to some already well-written pieces about it. Hopefully I can dig up some writing inspiration in the next few days and come back to this post and do better.

Here is my area Bishop's thoughts on the ruling.

The Bad Catholic hit a home run as usual with his Open Letter to President O-God-Help-Us Concerning Recent Tyranny

We could only hope this unconstitutional ruling will be overturned.

And lastly, I ask for your help to write to the president and to your state representatives to repeal this ruling. I'm asking all of you Protestants out there who recognize this as an attack on religious freedom, to stand with your Catholic friends against this. If you need further convincing, please read Shoved to Them's Call to Arms. She provides links to contacts. If you would like a form letter to work from, contact me at Singlesolitarythings@yahoo.com, and I will send you a letter composed by a friend of mine.

Thank you for letting me address this. You know that I don't set out to preach on this blog, but our religious freedom is too precious to ignore.

This quote from Martin Niemoller, a foe of Hitler and Nazi rule is sounding quite relevant in our modern times, isn't it?

First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out -
Because I was not a Socialist.
Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out -
Because I was not a Trade Unionist.
Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out -
Because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for me -
and there was no one left to speak for me.

image above borrowed from National Catholic Register

Economic Impact

2012-01-26T02:28:00.000-07:00

Last night I made an effort to watch the St@te of the Uni*n address. I think the fact that I fell asleep through the better part of it is irrelevant... I was tired.

So, although I heard him address unemployment, and assume he tackled the economy while I napped - I can't be sure if he tied them together appropriately... the tragic result of the insane unemployment rate combined with the cruddy economy equals something even the smartest pundits and candidates have yet to comprehend.... it's absolutely killing dating!

I'm not kidding.

Either I am especially attracting men who are underemployed or unemployed, or it IS an epidemic. Or both. (I think both.)

Part of the attraction may be the fact that I've suffered through both unemployment and underemployment myself and I know what a blow to the ego it is. If it broke me emotionally, just imagine what it does to men.
Men who have been raised and trained to understand that they need to have good jobs, make money, climb the ladder - they've been told that women expect it (somehow at the same time the feminists were hollering about women not needing men - thanks crazies!)

Based on a basic understanding of sociology and my own experience, I understand that men have a very difficult time even trying to date while suffering the blow to the ego that is working a job beneath their experience level and or pay grade. They feel like less of a man, which they shouldn't - legitimate unemployment (especially in this day and age) should not be considered a mark against one's character. It happens to the best of us. It happens to all of us. (it really does, if it hasn't happened to you yet - you're lucky lucky lucky!)

More importantly, it's impacting MY dating life.
Sweet Mr. Hometown Boy had his job cut to part-time months before we met. He took on a part-time retail job to compensate but of course it doesn't make up the difference. He is stressed, and a little embarrassed and we can't make a date because he feels he must take the random extra hours he's offered when someone else blows off their shift. He's responsible like that.

Here's the one guy in MONTHS - almost a year's worth of them, that I actually like, am actually attracted to and makes me laugh with his goofy-like-me sense of humor... and after many lengthy, enjoyable phone calls (after our first date) I don't think he's going call again. He's too stressed out by his financial problems and his employment status to properly date. Even though he knows I understand and do not judge him.

When a man feels like less of a man, he just doesn't have it in him to woo a lady, no matter how interested he is - and especially if he's interested.
And Hometown Boy isn't the only one, McTwitchy suffered the same affliction... and a few years back there was a very handsome guy I had a crush on who was working at the local hardware store while between jobs in a very lucrative field. I ran into him a year ago, and he finally explained about it - but still didn't ask me out! Bah!

This is why our government really has to take unemployment seriously!
It's impacting my dating life. And that's just wrong.

Online Weeding ... er .... Dating

2012-01-12T22:47:00.002-07:00

It occurs to me that as much as we all are different... we all expect different things in online dating.

I have a friend who is much younger - early to mid 20s - who is annoyed that guys send her messages through the online dating service. She thinks that if they are interested they should just call her.

Now, I would be creeped out of my mind to get an unexpected phone call from some random guy who only knows I exist because of my online profile! So I encourage her to respond to their inquiries and move forward from there.

On the plane back home from Christmas vacation, I sat next to a nice young man, and our conversation turned to our experiences in online dating. I told him that I realized it's more complicated than it seems, because I make a lot of snap decisions based on profile pictures.
If the only pictures they have are self-portriats in the bathroom mirror - I pass. It tells me he doesn't have any friends. That he hasn't even been to a party or a wedding in the past two years!

"The only thing worse," I said, "are the guys who take their picture in the bathroom mirror..." "...with their shirts off!" my seat mate finished for me, agreeing. They are looking for hook ups, and have little more than their abs to offer, I concluded.

I recently met a guy from my last dating site who told me that his strategy is to just contact the women who are online while he is online. I found that very odd, and told him that when men IM me while I'm online, I tend to assume they're looking for a hook-up/booty call - and I ignore them.

So, OH MY WORD! If there are these sorts of miscommunications, misunderstandings and mixed signals how on earth does anyone ever meet?!??!

I nearly missed meeting Hometown boy because he wasn't up for making conversation via the dating site email. I'm typically frustrated that many men want to get right to meeting or right to the phone calls. It feels, to me, like they're rushing it. I want to know that we have something in common, that he can carry on a conversation... before I go to all the trouble of picking out an outfit and fixing my hair and makeup to go on a meeting date! I guess I want some guarantee of success! Or I'm just lazy!

With Hometown boy, I noticed his resistance and was slightly annoyed. I thought I'd help him out by asking him questions (via email) about some things we had in common. He later told me that he felt like I was putting him on the spot. I finally understood his perspective when we had our first phone conversation, and it took him a while to warm up but once he was comfortable - we were clicking pretty well.

Because I am a communicator by nature, a writer, a talker and a reader... I sort of expect everyone to operate the same as I do. Hometown boy made me realize differently.

Another man who wanted to meet without, what I considered, a suitable initial email exchange, responded back rather gruffly that he wasn't looking for a pen pal.

Still another wanted to meet without an introductory phone call - which goes against my not meeting ex-cons rule (I'm looking for the link to that story) and I finally said good riddance to him.

Oh, and the anti-pen pal guy also took issue with what he called my lengthy profile writing (which, by the way, wasn't any longer than his - the difference being that I provided information about my values and interests and he instead, logged a series of one-liners) which leads us to the assumption that "Nobody Reads the Profiles Anyway."

I read the profiles. Of course I do.

And if he says he's separated, not divorced... I delete.
If he says he's spiritual but not religious... I delete.

Let's do a little informal survey here... and tell me what conclusions you draw about certain actions.
I'm thinking of doing a series of posts that we could share with men - to open communication and to perhaps make it easier on all of us.

In Defense of Tim Tebow

2012-01-09T12:00:00.009-07:00

Whew, this is long. My apologies in advance.

I'm about as far from a football fan as you could imagine. I just barely understand the game. The finer details of the sport are lost on me - but I get the gist.

These season though, I've been a bit more interested. I give the credit to my interest to Bronco's quarterback Tim Tebow. I couldn't ignore it if I wanted to. There are articles upon articles about why people love him or hate him. About his fourth quarter comebacks, his wild throwing style (or something - I don't even know what that means!) And obviously about how he wears his faith on his sleeve.

But because I live in Denver, home of the Broncos, the topic of Tebow comes up a lot. The men I meet tell me what they think about him, and ask my opinion. Kind of like a religious litmus test.

One date told me, in the first 12 minutes of my meeting him, "I love Tim Tebow. He's great, heck I'd marry the guy! But I don't like all his religious posturing."

Another date was more blunt. "I hate Tim Tebow. I don't understand why he gets so much attention." he continued, pointing out more details of the Tebow effect.

It's obvious to me that those who dislike him are bothered by his outward signs of his faith in God.
At the start of any interview, he thanks his Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
This REALLY bothers people.

Some point out that they think it's silly to think that God cares about a football game.

MY DEFENSE: Well, God cares about what we care about. But no, I don't think God is pulling strings on the outcome of the game like the SNL skit suggests. I do think it's important to point out that no Christian or Catholic football player is reaching out to God for a win.... rather, they are thanking God for the talent and the ability to play well and avoid injury.

Then Tebowing became a verb. The action of taking a knee, and striking a contemplative pose.

This action seems to have taken the place of his making the sign of the cross, for which he also took heat. The critics even nag about him pointing skyward (which really only looks like the "Number One" sign.)

Another guy I met complained that Tebow is using these gestures to look pious and get attention.

MY DEFENSE: I imagine that when young Timmy played high school and college football, he made a habit of either crossing himself or pointing heavenward, to thank his heavenly father for his talent and concentration. Back then it was probably no big deal, since it's preferable to showboating. But then, when it was obvious he was going to be a highly ranked draft pick, and TV network cameras showed up to document the start of his career -- well, people started asking questions and forming opinions about his actions and about his intent.
Those opinions turned into criticisms. But what was he supposed to do? If he dropped these actions, he'd get criticism about changing himself to fit the mold that other people want. He continues, and gets criticism for constantly drawing attention to his faith.

He can't win this battle. If he did these things before the media frenzy, if he quits, people will attack him for caving to pressure.

I suspect that the stance we now know as "Tebowing" was an effort on his part to take a reflective moment in an inconspicuous way. Then some reporters asked what that was about and he's honest enough to tell them - so the media jumps all over that too. I give the man credit for being who he is, sticking to his convictions and not caving into the pressure to conform to what makes everyone else comfortable.

A few years back there was a lot of discussion about NFL players showboating in the end zone after a touchdown. Silly, funky little dances, sometimes amounting to beating their chests like primitive man slaying a wooly mammoth for food. I've never liked excessive celebration in sports, although I think a little happy jig never hurt anybody. (I partake in the occasional happy dance myself, thanks.)

Excessive celebration, on the other hand, amounts to grabbing the glory. Making the touchdown should be enough. Punctuating it with a fist pump or a big smile is fine, but when a player beats his chest and points to himself in celebration, it is, to me all about the glory. I think it's ugly to focus the glory on oneself. By pointing heavenward, I see Tebow making a small gesture that gives the glory to God - which I think is much more appropriate.

So when people get all spun up and complain that Tim Tebow shouldn't be bringing God to the NFL football field, I point out that everyone's okay with another player taking the glory for himself, but giving the glory to God is frowned upon? That is messed up.

It shows what a religious-phobic society ours has become. (just look to the current presidential campaign for more proof.)

If Tim Tebow is held out as an example of a godly man (and I don't know that he is - I only know what I've read.) and can show our phobic society that religion doesn't make one a freak - then I'm behind him.

He's a target. All of the attention is attributed to the media just waiting for him to mess up. Fifty cameras a day just waiting for him to drop the F-bomb, or get in a fight, or uncover a child out of wedlock... God forbid someone sees him with a girl on a beach vacation!

Still other critics complain that he's not that smart. That he says the same thing over and over in every interview.

MY DEFENSE: Well, no kidding. First of all, he's young and yet to get in his groove for dealing with the media. But remember, if there's a microphone in front of his face there are millions of people just waiting for him to say the wrong thing. Waiting for any one thing that they can twist or spin to point to just so they can say, "See, it was all an act. No one can truly dedicate themselves to God and live a 'normal' life."

Tebow has set his own standard, because there are millions of people waiting to knock him off of some imaginary pedestal. It's hard to stand up for Christ when you're facing the scorn of the secular world.

Luke 6:22 - 23

22“Blessed are you when men hate you, and ostracize you, and insult you, and scorn your name as evil, for the sake of the Son of Man. 23“Be glad in that day and leap for joy, for behold, your reward is great in heaven.

The most divisive issue, is the complaint that he talks about God every chance he gets. And I will say, I understand the sentiments of overkill. This is the one area where I think he might be better served to choose his audience, choose his opportunities to spread the word of God, lest he become like a noisy gong or clanging symbol. I think we know from experience that if people think they can predict what you're going to say, they're going to tune it out. (refer to noisy gong here.)

But, if he feels it's part of his mission do so, he will deal with the criticism. Maybe the secular world's idea of overkill is exactly what the secular world needs right now.

What irritates me about the hate directed at Tebow's faith-filled actions, is that everyone blames young Tim instead of realizing that it's the media circus that is making a show of it. I really think Tebow is pretty subtle about it, if it weren't for all the cameras.

Recently, I learned that there is a prayer circle on the field after EVERY NFL game.

It's something they never show in sports coverage... the players from both teams who choose to participate, kneel on the field praising God with gratitude for their talent and sportsmanship. So hundreds of players have done this after every NFL game for years... and the media largely ignores it - but they aim all their cameras at one Tim Tebow, making an example, and sometimes mockery of him.

God bless him for holding his convictions amid all this pressure!

I say, "Tim, keep doing what you're doing. If you change mid-course they'll eat you alive!"

If more of us could stick with our beliefs and proudly stand by Christ when it gets uncomfortable, or embarrassing or even dangerous.... what a wonderful world this would be! I respect TT for putting it out there, and being an example. Somehow, it's making the game more exciting too!

credits: 1) theatlantic.com 2) http://biblebrowser.com/luke/6-22.htm 3) nowpublic.com

Mister Updates

2012-01-06T22:35:00.001-07:00

I suppose it's time for a date update.

The last male mentioned was Mr. Potential. Woah, that one ended weird. Everything was going nicely, although there was no smoochie time. I mean, there were a few sweet kisses and embraces, but no more.) I wasn't sure if I was attracted to him - which is a major hang up for me. I thought he was an attractive man, no doubt.... but I found him small and skinny (I'm speaking of stature... don't get carried away girls!) which had an impact on my 'desire'. It's all very tricky to anticipate desire when you're abstinent!!!

Even more difficult, trying to explain to a man (even a Catholic man) about your chaste intentions. Any advice on how to handle that is appreciated.

Back to the story, I was sick for a week - he was busy for the following week... so we didn't see each other - but he hadn't called either. I texted to say I was looking forward to seeing an event he was involved in, he encouraged my presence so I went to see said event and talked with him. He apologized for his absence, saying he'd have time for me that week - then I never heard from him again.

So weird.

Then, I met a man at my church... (I know! Can you believe it? That NEVER happens!) and we went out a few times. He's very nice, interesting... but something about him makes me uncomfortable... and it's nothing I can put my finger on. I only know that I'm not real comfortable with him and I have to respect that feeling.

The really difficult part of that is that he hits all the points, 1) he's Catholic and I met him at church 2) he wants to be married - not afraid of it and 3) he introduced me to family members (sibling and in-law and their kids) early on, and was ready to have me for Thanksgiving and to meet his mother when she visited before Christmas. These are the things I'm always wishing for... but somehow made me a bit uncomfortable.

That really bothers me because for some reason I feel like every guy I like doesn't like me and the ones who like me, I'm not interested in. Gosh it's so frustrating!

Then, I met another guy online - we'll call him Hometown Boy. He's from my home state and my alma mater - so when we started talking on the phone we connected pretty easily. We arranged a meeting at one of my favorite places. When I walked in, I saw him standing in the back and thought he was even cuter than his profile pictures, so a smile naturally spread over my face. When he noticed I was there, and recognized me, he smiled just as broadly. Good start.

It had snowed a few inches the night before and it was really cold, so as we parted he asked me to call him when I got home to be sure I made it safely. When I did, we talked for another hour and a half!!

We talked a few more times, and made plans for a little destination trip that I was really looking forward to. His work schedule changed and we had to scrap the evening trip. Then we discussed whether to spend New Years Eve together... and ultimately decided not to. Since then, I hadn't heard from him aside from a text on New Years day. This confused me greatly, because he MUST like me. Guys don't talk for hours with girls they're not interested in. Then finally he called me tonight - just when I thought he fell off the planet. He's a little sloppy about setting up a definite date but I'll blame that on his erratic work schedule - because he did ask, he just didn't make it firm.

So Hometown Boy is still in the running.

In the meantime, I met a couple of other guys from the dating site before my subscription ran out.
One of them seemed to be a contender until he told me that he voted for Obama and would vote for Obama again! I literally set my jaw on the table! Took a few minutes before I could speak!

Then another guy who promptly told me that all of his friends have hated every woman he's ever dated. I could only think he either has terrible taste in women, or he gives his friends too much say over his love life, or his friends are right. Either way, I don't think I'll fit in. I might entertain another date, but that kind of information shouldn't come up on a first meeting! Sheesh!

So that's the update. Not sure if I've met Mr. Right, but I have certainly met someone interesting.

Visiting a Dear Friend

2012-01-05T21:03:00.002-07:00

I did something for the first time today.
Something I've thought about doing for a few years now. There's no good reason I haven't done it before. I can only blame timing, and ignorance and uncertainty.

But tonight after work, and after the gym (not the best case scenario) I went to spend time with Jesus.
I went to Eucharistic Adoration.
This means that body of Christ is on display in a church or in a special side chapel dedicated to adoration - and the church parishioners dedicate themselves to have someone with Christ at all times. (more in the link) The body of Christ is not to be left alone.

I went to the Garden Chapel of a neighboring church, as my parish doesn't have an adoration chapel.
I didn't know quite what to expect, but I have heard people describe their experience as sitting in the presence of Christ, very peaceful and comforting.

The moment I walked in, I was drawn in by the beautiful monstrance, holding the host. I genuflected, knelt down in a pew and looked at the body of Christ, instantly moved to tears! Here I was, sitting with the Savior of the World, my Lord and Savior! As comfortable as meeting with an old friend. A friend I should see more often.

It was peaceful. We had a conversation.
I asked my God to lead me where He wants me to go. I know I've been pushing for my own way for the past ... I don't know... ALL my years. That's it. I give up. You show me the way. Please.

When Freedom is Limiting!

2012-01-01T23:37:00.000-07:00

I have made some new friends at church... which is, of itself, an answer to prayer.
One couple in particular, is my age, and very engaging. They are 'pursuing' my friendship, which is very, very cool.

Today, we talked about our New Year's evenings... I went to two parties, one a low-key event at a friend's home - the other, a packed venue with a live band and a handful of friends.

My new friends, by contrast, described a night at home with their kids and an early bedtime. They teased me that they couldn't do the wild partying like I did, because they're married with children. I smirked, then informed them... little do you know, I would rather have the night at home with an early bedtime with my hubby, if only I had a hubby. I only go out, because I have to - to meet people.
(yes, I know that I can choose to stay home, other options... this was this year's plan)

So the husband of the couple, in an effort to ease my burden, pointed out that as a single person, I can do as I wish, without consulting another, and urged me to enjoy that - as long as that is the case.

This kind of pandering usually bugs me, but this guy is sweet, and I knew he was well-intentioned. It was actually kind of cute that he was making the effort.

I explained that I've had plenty of time in my life to do as I wished. To do what I wanted without consulting anyone else. I'm ready to be a part of a team.

He persisted, until his wife (who understood my position better than he did) cast a sideways glance and said, "What are you saying honey?" implying that he was arguing for the single life despite his own married bliss.
First, he briefly attempted to argued that he was consoling me.... and then, realizing his defeat, he put his arm around the mother of his children and said, "Why would anyone want to be single? Yuck."

Ha ha. I'm really going to like this couple!!

What's Your Game Plan?

2011-12-18T20:15:00.003-07:00

Sometimes, when I'm feeling particularly low and lonely, it's easy for me to blame my long not-married status on my chastity. (I don't like the term unmarried, I'd have to have been married to be un-married)

When I see those in the world around me sleeping around, or living together or jumping from one sexual relationship to another... it almost seems obvious that I'm likely still single because of my moral standards. I might as well be enjoying myself (and someone else!!)

Today, something changed my mind irrefutably.

At a casual holiday party, some friends of mine and a woman new to the group were talking about dating, and how it should not be this difficult. How we shouldn't even have made it to this age single.
I said, with exasperation, that I have kissed way more men in my lifetime than I ever should have! As one woman agreed, I concluded, "Thank God I didn't sleep with them all!"

That led a friend to bring up the movie, "What's Your Number". As the title suggests, the premise is based on the number of sexual partners a woman has, and the thesis purports... that if it's more than 20, she'll never get married because while she's able to attach physically she obviously can't attach emotionally and is therefore doomed to failure.

Our conversation was rather innocent until the newcomer chimed in that, being a 40+ woman, and in the dating pool since she was 18 - she didn't find it too shocking that she's had 30 sexual partners because that factors out to one per year.

First, I'm no math expert, but I think her numbers are off!
Second, I could not disguise my reaction - which was "Ewwww!"

She made note of my reaction, and I tried to make like I wasn't judging her... but ... ewww!
Then she said that most of them occurred in her 20s (as if that dismisses anything!) I almost said, "Yeah, the three men I slept with happened in my 20s too. But then I realized that they weren't the marrying kind and changed my game plan." But I didn't think that would go over well.

Anyway, I've been thinking about it since then... when suddenly it occurred to me... Well obviously, my abstinence isn't holding me back! I've been abstinent for 14 years and she's been boinking everything in sight... and we're both over 40 and never married.

Frankly, I prefer my path to never-married.

Ewww.

P.S. you know what else? Women like her are the reason so many men of our generation don't get married... they know there's always someone they can boink so there's no need for those types to marry.

'Til My Heart Finds a Home

2011-12-05T23:51:00.002-07:00

There's a radio station in town here that has the funniest guys on their afternoon drive... and the morning show, while a bit annoying is better than the other choices so I was content to leave my dial there and not move around.

I've been listening for a few years now, and not only do their conversation topics seem recycled but they're always talking about people who cheat, have one-night-stands, and other acts that made me continually cynical about society as a whole. It's particularly depressing to think if there are any single men out there... they're certainly not going to be interested in church-going, abstinent, modest little me. Makes the prospect of finding a suitable husband - or someone I would even care to date in this market - well, next to impossible!

So one day I decided to find the KLove station, and I haven't moved the dial since.
Sure, maybe it's a bit like sticking my head in the sand - but my attitude has improved significantly. At first the "Positive, Encouraging" schtick seemed so Pollyanna - almost annoying. But now, I'm just happy.

My best friend and soulmate, Kikr, also listens to KLove in her city and we enjoy the fact that we are likely listening to the same songs at the same time! We've talked about our favorites... and usually when I call her, I'm in the car, and by the time her voicemail kicks in - I'm in the middle of a verse of a favorite song and she has to wait for me to sing along to the refrain before I leave her a message! Because she is my soulmate - she LOVES that and is not annoyed.

We talked this weekend and the topic of our current favorite songs came up. Maybe you've heard about The Story Project... different artists have recorded songs that tell stories from the bible. The story of Naomi and Ruth is the first release and it's quite beautiful.

I told Kikr that, in listening to that song... she is my Naomi. She married four years ago, and is still a daily force in my life! She is as invested in me finding a love in my life as I am. Sometimes more!

So I told her that the song reminds me of her - particularly the line that says,

"I'm with you,
Until your heart finds a home,
I won't let you feel alone
I'm with you, I'm with you"

I wanted her to know how blessed I am that even though her life is full, she still has time for me. She blesses me every day.
She said, "Well, I've got news for you. When you get married, I'm not going anywhere!"

I was reduced to tears, and with a tinge of shame I admitted that I was worried that I might lose her when her baby comes this spring.
She emphasized that she hasn't forgotten about me since she got married - we both know she's the ONLY one in that category! Still, I worried that it was too good to be true that she'll have the same time, concern and intimacy with me once the baby arrives.

I am smart enough to realize that maybe we're not waiting until my heart finds a home... rather, perhaps her heart is my home.
It's certainly big enough and I am blessed!

Awkward Pauses

2011-12-01T22:29:00.003-07:00

The trouble with Christmas shopping is... everything for me is on sale too! And it's not as if someone is going to surprise me with the things I really want!

I ordered the most fabulous dress last week. Had my eye on it for a while, but it was sold out. Then when it was restocked, I put it in my online shopping cart and it was gone before I could complete the order!! So when it was restocked yet again... I HAD to buy it. It's just such a perfect dress - appropriate for work and for church and even an evening out with the right accessories.

Am I right or am I right?!

(from Modcloth.com - I do not receive any compensation for mentioning this online store... but I'd be willing if they were offering!! I love love love ModCloth!!)

Anyway, since it was coming via UPS I had it shipped to work because if they try to deliver to my condo... it takes three exchanges on that silly sticky note to get them to actually leave it for me! Much easier to just send it to work... and then share my excitement with some girls in the office!!

So, the truck comes and there is the box I've been waiting for! Yay! Oh, and it's so pretty... so much nicer even than I expected!

I went to hold the dress up for one of my co-workers to see - and at that moment an older woman from another department steps in, admires the dress and asks, "Where are you going?" indicating that I must have an occasion in mind for this purchase.

I'm dumbstruck. I didn't have an occasion in mind. I just wanted it, knowing it would be timeless, flattering and appropriate almost anywhere. Suddenly, I wondered if I was reckless, selfish, or maybe terribly indulgent.

I manage to stammer out the words... "I just liked it, so I bought it."
That was awkward.

The woman looks me right in the eye and says, "I never do that. I always get things for my kids or my husband. I never get anything for me."

Um. Wow. Ahhhhhhhh.

Finally, I force a smile and say, "Well, I don't have a husband or kids - so I buy things I like for me. In fact, I still need to attract a husband so it's very important that I look good!"

I desperately wanted out of that conversation so I packed up the dress and went back to my desk. But what I wanted to say was, "Oh, don't be such a martyr! Buy yourself something. Good Lord woman, your kids are grown - why are you still buying them stuff??!"

Seriously, just last week she was bragging about how wonderful and successful all of her kids are!

I know that moms today take some weird satisfaction about sacrificing EVERYTHING for their kids... which I actually find a bit ridiculous... I mean, yes I know that when the kids need shoes, you as a parent have to wear yours for another season if money is tight... I get that... but I can tell you that my parents never made a fuss about how they had to do without. As far as I knew we all had everything we needed and much of want we wanted. We were also told "No." plenty often.

I'm not talking about the difference between a wealthy family and a struggling family. I'm talking about the odd martyrdom over the whole issue. Come on, get off the cross... use the wood!

Personally, I don't think it's healthy for a mother to deny herself the little rewards... the everyday things that seem like indulgences once she has a family. Yoga class or time at the gym, the occasional pedicure, a new dress.
I have friends who - once the first kid is in preschool or kindergarten, suddenly realize they need those moments and those "me times", and they suddenly move heaven and earth to make the time for it. Maybe I won't understand completely until I'm responsible for another life... but it seems to me that moms need to take care of themselves. Work a few indulgences into the budget. A mom who is stretched too thin is not the best for her children either.

It's motherhood - not martyrdom. Does pointing out all your sacrifices make someone a better mother?
I don't think so. In fact, I think it makes your kids lose a little respect for you.

Of course, if I were blessed enough to be able have kids, I'd gladly limit my shopping and wear my shoes right through the soles if that's what it took to provide what my children need... but I don't expect sainthood for it.

They DO Exist!

2011-11-20T21:19:00.001-07:00

When I was young... in my late 20s and early 30s, I often heard from friends and relatives that when I finally found my man, I would be amazed at the man he is and that it would be worth the wait.
Such remarks even led me to pray to God to make the man He intends for me to be ready for me, and to be the man I need. In the same prayer, I ask God to make me the woman that man needed and would love.

Later, when asked why I'm still not married I would say, "God's not finished with him yet." and later still, "Apparently it's a lot of work to prepare a man for me!"

I had great ideals and great intentions.
I still do. But these days people seem to think I'm expecting too much.

But, I really do know what sort of husband I want. Someone who is going to be invested in marriage. Someone who will communicate with me about marriage's ups and downs and work to keep the passion, the love and to keep God first in our lives.

I honestly don't want to be married to a man who I couldn't trust to do those things. Therefore, I am still not married. It's as simple as that.

These days, everyone wants to tell me that I shouldn't be holding out for a perfect man. You all know how I feel about that comment (and I heard it again this week! Don't get me started!). I honestly don't think I'm looking for perfect. I am looking for someone who takes marriage seriously.

Just when I started to think no such man exists, look what I found...

I Am Husband.com

and

Trey Morgan.net

These are men who blog about marriage. About good marriage. About honoring their spouses and honoring God.
Just the sort of men I'm looking for... except I am holding out for a single/ available man - not one who is married!

I'm going to add them to my blogroll because I want their influence here at SingleSolitaryThings. I like the good energy... and I want SST readers to know that there are real husbands out there!!!

I will not listen to the people who say I'm expecting too much.
Why would I settle for a man who is less than what God wants for me?
I will remain single before I marry a man who doesn't expect to commit fully and equally with me.

Ladies... I expect you to do the same.

Nobody's Perfect - What Marrieds Should Never Say to Singles

2011-11-10T22:46:00.003-07:00

Being single over age 30-35 is difficult.
Single after that is ... trust me, you don't even want to know!

One of the reasons I started this blog was to give a voice to single adults. I mean, look around out there... everything in society is designed for couples and families. So much so that even buying groceries can be depressing. Even bananas come in bunches - bound to go bad faster than a single person can eat them. (I usually tear two or three off the bunch - and even then, I often lose one!)

If the blogosphere is a fair representation of society - and it pretty much is - America is filled with married people with families who don't give a second thought to the single people struggling in the world all alone.
Unless of course it is to pontificate upon why some seemingly 'normal', attractive woman is left single. It's not like they even bother to invite us to dinner and mug on their kids -- even in that regard, Bridget Jones' single life is idealistic compared to reality!

Bridget Jones Dines with Smug Marrieds - Video

Unlike the smug marrieds in Bridget Jones' Diary... they probably don't even talk about... they just draw conclusions about us that couldn't be further from reality. That we're out there 'playing the field', too focused on our careers (hah!) and my personally most detested assumption... that we're "too picky".

Too picky is the silliest reasoning there is. To prove my theory... go ahead and suggest to a married couple that perhaps they weren't picky in choosing their mate. Watch the sparks fly! They will be offended that you would suggest that their mate isn't the most perfect match on the planet. More realistic folks will concede that no one is perfect, and that they put a lot of effort into their marriage, but that what they have is indeed wonderful.

Yet, when I point out that if they didn't settle for a schmuck, yet they're suggesting that I just throw a dart at a phone book - they still don't see how ridiculous their defense is.

Today I received a comment on my FB page from someone who is a friend of my family, saying something along the lines that maybe I'm still single because, "... you're looking for somebody perfect..."

That to me, is the MOST INSULTING thing you can suggest to a woman over 40 who is still actively looking for the love of her life!
Suggesting that I'm holding out for perfect says at once that I must be horribly immature, and the most shallow person on the planet.
Do you think that I don't know that no one is perfect but God? To you think that after 40 years, I'm ridiculous enough to think that there is some perfect man out there for me?

I was so mad and insulted all I could was delete her comment! Anything I would have said would have appeared "overly sensitive" to the majority of people, or too dismissive of the injury of her rudeness to me.

Want to know what burns me the most? While I've known her and her family all my life, I used to babysit her kids when I was a teenager, but looking back I can't say I've ever even had a conversation with her. We've never had a nice long chat about who I'm dating or how any of my relationships ended.

Remember... I live in a city 10 hours away from my home town, so in the past 25 years I've maybe run into her at the grocery store, or outside of church when I'm home visiting my parents. The deepest conversation we've ever had was about whether her youngest wore a diaper to bed or not. (and clearly, from the abundance of mommy blogs out there, that's a very serious discussion - because it proves she's a FANTASTIC mother because she was able to FREAKING potty train her kid! Whoo! Never mind that a child would eventually stop soiling her pants eventually, with or without a parent's help!!)

So based on what this woman knows about me, which is essentially that I graduated from college at one point and that I live outside of the state... she feels qualified to diagnose that I am seeking a perfect man.

How alarmingly insulting!

Dear Smug Marrieds,

If you have never met anyone I've dated. If we've never talked about relationships. If we haven't had a ten minute conversation more than once every ten years... YOU HAVE NOT EARNED THE RIGHT TO COMMENT ON MY SELECTION PROCESS. DO NOT PRESUME TO TELL ME THAT I'M JUST TOO PICKY, AND NEED TO STOP LOOKING FOR A PERFECT MAN.

If you got married at age 22, and have probably only dated three men in your life and one was your prom date... you CANNOT PRETEND TO KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO DATE FOR THE MAJORITY OF YOUR LIFE.

I know you think you are an expert at obtaining a husband because the guy you've been married to for 20 years is the one who nailed you in the back seat of his car when you were 19 years old. (how romantic!) You don't know what it is like to turn down dozens and dozens of men who expect you have sex with them on the third date. But it's pretty damn obvious to you that I'm too picky.

Brilliant.

Among the things I should have responded... "No dear. The reason is that... under my clothes my body is full of scales. Men just can't look passed it."

Edited to add things I thought about saying:

"Wow, you must thing I'm really immature."

"If you had walked even a year in my shoes you would know better than to say something like that."

"Maybe if I had given in to boys in high school, I could have avoided this whole dating thing... like you."

and the one I think would have been most effective:

"Gee. I never knew you thought I was delusional."

Because really... that's what someone would have to think. I can see saying something like that to a woman who is 23-26 who has a crazy sense of entitlement (even then it would still be incredibly rude.) But a woman who is 40 knows better.

What would you liked to have said? I really like Erin Annie's suggestion via Bridget Jones!

I Should Have Known

2011-11-06T12:56:00.000-07:00

My current dating life is a bit different than ever before.
I intend to date a couple men at a time, so that I'm not wasting time getting overly excited about any one guy until one of them is obviously excited and serious about me.
It's not exactly working out that way. Instead, I meet a guy and date rather casually until it's clear there's not a forever match there... and then a new guy turns up.

So I feel like I can accept a date with anyone - because nothing is so serious with anyone already in the picture that I would be violating a trust or physical bond. (In this method of dating, one must be very careful with physical intimacy so that there is no 'cheating' or disrespect. This means, obviously no naked time... but before that - no kissing. Personally, I'm okay with some innocent kissing but no 'passionate'/French kissing.)

Friday, when I left work I had a message from McTwitchy wondering if we could just go out for a drink and chat.
Sure. Why not? We hadn't seen each other in a while and it would be nice to catch up.

He knows that I'm dating... as we caught up, he learned that Mr. Potential fizzled out. And I swear McTwitchy lit up a bit... until I told him there was a new guy. (No name for him yet)

McTwitchy and I grabbed a quick meal, had some wine... and before we parted I could tell he was working up to something. Finally, he asked if we could spend more time together.
I asked him to clarify, and it seems he wants to date but without pressure.

I should have known. The last time he spontaneously wanted to go out for drinks, he did the same thing. He's not ready to commit to anything but he wants to keep me on a string. That's not how he sees it of course.
He has so so much complicated stuff going on in his life that he doesn't feel he can provide or have the stability to have a real relationship or commit to anything. That is really his burden and I feel for him... but I can't wait for him to solve a problem he's been shouldering for years. I can't help him either.

So I said, "McTwitchy, we already tried a second time. What do you expect to be different? You know how I feel about you and how we feel about one another. We have incredible chemistry. We genuinely like one another and are attracted. But I don't have time to wait for anyone to be a place where they can move forward. I need someone who is ready. I can't have you keep me from finding someone who is ready for what I'm ready for." He agreed with that.
I continued, "We could date, but I would need to date other men too. I can't kiss you and other men. That's not what you want. Considering our history, there's no point to it... because we already know what we're capable of together and more to the point I know what you are not capable of right now and that's commitment."

I hesitated to say what came next but I decided that he needed to hear it in order to know just how divergent our paths are: "McTwitchy, what you don't know is... when you were caught up with that freelance job in The Very Big City, and considering their full-time job offer... I was ready to go with you."

He was shocked. Pleased and shocked and the next part was telling. He said, "You never told me that!"
I explained, "I couldn't tell you that. That was for you to ask me." He nodded.
I told him that his mind wasn't even a little bit focused on that possibility at the time. I told him that I knew when Thanksgiving rolled around that year, and he hadn't even thought about asking me to join him with his relatives, that we weren't even close to being on the same page. Considering that I had already been prepared to pack up and move for him!!

I knew what I was telling him was painful to hear... but with all the stops and starts he wants to initiate... I just had to point out how misguided he is.

It's a shame.
But at the same time - I'm glad I can recognize how unprepared he is to move forward.

Sigh.

Less Snark - More Self-Righteous

2011-10-30T16:14:00.002-06:00

Okay, I must be in some kind of mood.
I feel like calling other people out on their judgement. Trust me, I know I have my own hurdles... and I am working on those.

But right now, I'm so irritated by a friend's way of thinking I just have to get this out.

She is venturing into online dating - which we will all admit is no cup of tea.
She told me about meeting a guy who was very nice but she wasn't attracted to him. So she's not going to see him again. That's cool, we've all been there. But then she proceeded to tell me that she will only read the profiles of guys she finds hot via their pictures. Again, sure... we all want to find someone good-looking. Attraction is often the initial basis for getting to know someone. If you talk to this woman though, (and I've known her for years) it is clear that her number one criteria for a prospective boyfriend/husband is looks. (guess what number two is?)

Yes, she is beautiful. She is in top physical shape and wears clothes like a model... both in style and fit.

I made efforts to point out that pictures don't always represent someone's real-life appearance. Even some very attractive people don't photograph well. In a particular example, I used to photograph very well, but 10 years later... not so much.

Doesn't matter, she's going for looks.

I can't argue with her. She won't listen. But what I'd like to say is... if you think a hot body and good looks are key criteria for a good husband, or a good relationship... I don't hold out much hope for that relationship.
I don't think she's ever experienced that phenomenon in which the more you get to know someone, the more you like and respect them... the better looking they become to you.
That's what love does. That's how love develops.

Yeah, it is a struggle. It is important to have that initial attraction. Though I don't think that's even what she's looking for. She seems to be looking for hot hot hot!

I mean, I think there's a difference between someone you really can't stand to look at - and someone who is a little less than your 'type'. Some very, VERY attractive people will never qualify as HOT. But I happen to think those are the most interesting, most attractive people.
I'm not advocating for dating someone you think is ugly.

I want to say to her, "Well, if you looking for shallow - you'll find shallow, and I don't think it will make you happy."

I am more focused right now on finding someone who shares my values, beliefs and morals. Someone who is going to be crazy about me, will want to take care of me, share life with me and see me through lifes' ups and downs. (I just started seeing someone who seems to meet that criteria - and I'm waiting to see if the hot steamy attraction kicks in... but for right now, knowing that he's aching to see me, that he enjoys my company, and I his... is a quality start.)

It takes a certain amount of vanity to look the way she wants a man to look, and I hate to stereotype, but I'm afraid my friend who is looking for Hottie McHottersen, is going to be disappointed when she finds he cares more about the condition of his abs and biceps more than he could ever care about someone else's well-being... and he may even start to become critical of the quality of her abs and assets.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe they'll be perfect for each other.

Snark Outlet

2011-10-24T21:36:00.001-06:00

I can't say it on Faceb@@k so I'm going to say it here...
"It's nice to see you in clothes."

There's a FB friend of mine who was my colleague when I worked in a different town/city in the 90s. I get it that she's in GREAT shape now - very fit - you could bounce a quarter off her!
In every picture she's in skimpy dresses, skimpy halter tops, tube tops, bikini swimsuits, etc. I don't just mean that she's wearing halter tops... I wear halter tops too... but on her... I'm talking skimpy. You know... the kind where you can see "Side Boob". Know what I mean?

Sure, I'm envious. My tummy was that flat for about a three months when I was 25. Her arms and abs are fantastic, b00bs defy gravity... and probably one reason her revealing clothes bug me so much is because I'm jealous.

But, the fact is... I actually feel a little creepy whenever I see her latest scantily clad picture posts. I always have to resist the urge to comment, "Do you ever wear clothes?" because I am snarky like that! (so far - I've succeeded in my restraint. Yay me!)

If I feel that uncomfortable viewing her curves ... I pity the men who feel tempted when they look at her FB feed. How does her husband feel about that?

Today she posted a shot of herself looking fantastic in a long-sleeved, form fitting t-shirt. Really looking great. My first thought was, "You look so good in clothes!"
Let's face it, when you're that ripped you can still show off your shape and hard work in clothes that cover.

Vacation photos? Great, show off your tan... maybe even your bikini... I don't mind. But when all of your clothes make someone feel like they're looking at you intimately, it's time to rethink your wardrobe.

More so, it's nice to have flattering clothing but I've always subscribed to the theory to accent only one fabulous feature at a time. Sinewy arms? Plunging back? A flash of leg? Not bad. But not all at once.

Maybe if you have to show everything off - all the time... perhaps you're looking for more than compliments.

Ok. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

People Who Need People

2011-10-14T22:28:00.000-06:00

It started in college. It continued in my 20s. Again in my 30s. It still happens today.
Quite frankly, I'm sick of it. And they're wrong!

I'm talking about the people (women, mind you) who have contradicted me.

Picture me in my college years... I wasn't much of a dater (not a big demand in college for girls who don't put out) I would date a guy now and then, no steady boyfriend until my senior year. In my frustration, sometimes I would declare, "Ugh. I need a man!"
Someone would pipe up, "You don't NEED a man."
"Fine. I want a man."

I don't have to tell you how many times this scenario played out. Perfect strangers (always women) would emphasize that I don't need a man.

This past winter, I was at a church activity chatting with a woman with whom I'd lost touch. She's only a bit older than I, married, with two cute, cuutttteee kids. She asked about my dating situation and after my response we determined she would have to do some recruiting. When we left, we ran into some her peeps (other parents with kids her kid's age) out by their cars, she introduced me and advised that they should be on the lookout for a good available man for me. They were sweet enough to ask about my preferences, and we joked a bit about the availability of men with said qualities... and in mock frustration I wailed... "Listen ladies, I just need a husband!"

Someone chimed in, "You don't NEED a husband."
"Fine. I want a husband." I replied, automatically. Then, "No, I'm over 40. I NEED a husband. This going home to an empty house and sleeping in an empty bed every night of my life is BS! I want, and NEED a husband!"

(let me just say the woman who said it, is living with her boyfriend... they're both divorced but not marrying yet because he doesn't have an annulment - so, you know, she can talk the talk - but obviously can't walk the walk. hrrumphfff)

Freaking feminists.
They're the ones who started the whole stupid thing... Gloria Steinhem and her ridiculous, "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle." idiom.

You know what... a fish doesn't need a bicycle.
I think the better comparison would be, "...like a child needs a bicycle." Because a child can certainly survive without a bicycle, but I guarantee the kid's childhood is better, more fulfilling, more adventurous and more complete with a bicycle in it.

You may disagree with me, but I believe that my life would be more complete if I were blessed with someone to share it with.

The worst thing the feminist movement has done was to convince men that they're not needed. So many men think women don't want them. Don't need them. Or worse that women only want them so they can have the babies they so desperately want... or that they're holding out for five or ten years so they can get half the man's income in a divorce. (because our society now believes that every marriage will end in divorce. )

Men need to feel needed... and an entire generation has sent the message that they're not needed. No wonder they're afraid of commitment!

Not every woman needs a man, or a husband, or even wants one... and that's fine for them. More power to 'em. (More for me! ;-) ) But there's nothing wrong with wanting the traditional life and I for one will no longer apologize for it. I will stand up to those freakin' feminists who think they're empowering me and other women by insisting we don't need men.

Screw them. If it weren't for their stupid feminist ideas - I'd be married by now. And so would most of my brilliant, gorgeous, kind and adventurous friends.

Thanks a lot for convincing men they're not needed. You blew it for the rest of us.
Here's your cookie.

Head of Household

2011-10-11T23:50:00.001-06:00

It seems that I touched on an intriguing concept in my last post - and I'd like to expand on that. Maybe we could have a continued discussion on the idea of the husband as head of the family.

Last year a dear friend of mine got married and I photographed the wedding as my gift to them. I published a photo book for them, and as I worked on the design, there was ample opportunity to add text in some places. Knowing my friend as well as I do, I decided to include the scripture selections that they used in their wedding Mass, which included Ephesians 5:22-24

²² Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. ²⁴ But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.

I had the finished publication shipped to work and when it arrived I eagerly opened it and showed a couple co-workers how it turned out. Imagine my dismay when they exclaimed, "She let them use THAT VERSE at her wedding?! I made ____ sure that wasn't so much as uttered at MY wedding!" Then they bantered about how no way would they agree to submit to their husbands, to be head of household.

The more they agreed, the more I shook my head. I wanted to tell them how wrong they were, but I knew I didn't have the right words at the moment. I knew that they would just see me as the single woman who didn't really know anything about marriage. I knew my input would not be well-received in that moment.

But what I wanted to point out was... when you truly believe that your man strives to live for God ... that there is no way you would be afraid of what he might do with that power. In particular, I wanted to point out that in most translations the verse is, "Husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the Church." AS CHRIST LOVED THE CHURCH! Christ died for the church!

It calls for wives to respect and honor their husbands, yes. But in the same breath, it calls husbands to be worthy of honor and respect.
Makes me wonder why so many people only hear the part that scares them. Is it that we only concern us with the part that makes demands of us? If that is so, then why are there so many men that only notice the part about submission - and not the part that calls them lead generously, to sacrifice themselves?
(actually some do... and that will be another post)

I have yet to meet the man who I could be confident would lead in this way. Therefore I am not married. Quite frankly, sometimes I wonder how everyone else's marriage is doing if they didn't expect and anticipate this arrangement going in. I mean, if you wouldn't trust your man to lead you - how could you be confident enough to marry him and keep your best interests at heart? That's scarier to me than submission.

Hierarchy

2011-09-28T20:21:00.000-06:00

I can act as an expert on parenting and marriage because I'm not a parent or a spouse. Smirk.

A lot of times I feel like there are many couples making glaring mistakes in parenting. Maybe the mistakes aren't glaring to them because they're center isn't the same as mine. I think having the right center makes things much more obvious.

I was watching the new season of The Middle tonight. Next to Modern Family, I find The Middle one of the more entertaining family comedies out there right now.
In tonight's episode, the question of hierarchy comes up in the family. Mom tries to point out that the kids are not in charge ... mom's in charge! She goes so far as to draw a family hierarchy... Mom, kid, kid, kid. In birth order - which of course inspires more arguments, until the question, "What about dad?"
Fine. She writes "Dad" next to "Mom".

At this point I think, "That's right sister!"

Then the kids argue that Dad is above Mom. Mom protests.

Personally, I start thinking... "Yeah, the man should be the head of the household. Why is this mom so opposed to this?"
The program continues to display the drama of who is in charge. Then it dawns on me. The Hecks have the hierarchy all wrong. Of course the wife is going to be uncomfortable if her husband is 'above' her. she was right the first time - with Dad on the same level as Mom. But she forgot to write God, above both of them.

I think it would be easy to love a man, trust a man, and honor a man who put God before not just me, but before himself. I have long stressed that I believe that is the way it should be... and I know there are those that have trouble with the concept.
Actually it came up on a friends FB wall once when someone posted that their kids are FIRST in their lives!! Rah Rah! I pointed out that I thought the God, Spouse, Kids hierarchy was better suited to family harmony. Someone asked how that works... how could you put your man before your kids?! What if the man is abusive? Well, an abusive man is not a man who has God first, now is he? A man who puts God before all else will be a good man by default. Oh, she hadn't thought of that.
Really? (Well, I guess that's why she's married and I'm not. Clearly I'm too picky looking for a man who puts God first. )

Then there is the knowledge that a man of God is wise enough to lead side-by-side. I read once that the husband in the Dugger family says that the decisions he's made that were worst for his family, were the once he made without first consulting his wife.

Well, the Hecks didn't have that epiphany tonight. Instead, they realized (once dad took on some of mom's duties and failed - it's a comedy after all.) that in a family, sometimes everyone pitches in and leads in their own way. Sometimes a sister helps in a way a parent can't. Sometimes kids help parents. (all true)

I guess they couldn't land on the God theory in a program produced for a mass audience and with big corporate sponsors. Look to reruns of 7th Heaven for that!

When Never-Marrieds Date the Divorced

2011-09-27T21:40:00.000-06:00

Now that I've managed to malign a population of our society... I may as well take a whack at yet another.

You know, I like to think that anyone could be a match... but the fact is I am looking for a Catholic man and I would prefer that he's not divorced. But at my age... at least half of the available men are going to be divorced. So... you know... we must date them.

It's pretty tricky trying to determine from an online profile if a guy is a good candidate to commit to meeting. Even tricker I think when they're divorced.

First of all, I don't even entertain dating anyone whose status is "separated". Ahem, I'm a little uncomfortable to point this out but... you are still married. There is no reason for me to get involved. Quite frankly... I think you ought to be at least two years out of the final divorce proceedings before you date. Seems to me there is a lot of healing to work through and there's no point dragging someone else into the messiness. But I think men in particular are not going to wait that long to get back on the scene. Women tend to know they need healing. Men, in general want to get on with it.

So actually, second is - be healed from your divorce before you date me.

Third.
I met a guy a couple weeks ago. We met for beverages of some sort and talked for quite a while. I felt that he told me too much about his divorce too soon.
I mentioned this to a friend who is in the same dating situation as I - and she said she's experienced the alternative... which was the guy hadn't said a word about his divorce until she asked him casually on the fourth date... and he looked shocked and dumbfounded! That's no good either. You shouldn't be surprised that it comes up.

In my case, I felt he told me too much about his kids and about their schedules. (not in a stalker-ish way) But you barely know me, and I'm here to get to know YOU. Naturally, your kids are part of your life... yes, tell me about them - but on the first date that should be limited to a synopsis of their ages, maybe genders, and one or two remarkable things about them (she's a ballerina, loves horses, he's a great soccer player). You don't have to tell me what you think about their soccer coaches this year, or how much time you spend shuttling them between activities. I don't need to know that. Yes, I may want to know eventually - but can I please get to you first?
See.. I don't have kids... so quite frankly I can't even relate to getting up early enough to get children to school before the first bell! By talking about your kids, you've pretty much put me at a loss for words. Am I supposed to talk about work now? My car? My parents? My condo?
Let's talk about what we love to do. Hiking, skiing, geo-tracking? Let's talk about what we'd like to do... you want to visit Italy again... Great, that's the first place on my bucket list! Let's talk about that!

Fourth.
I guess I do need to know why you got divorced... but please, not too much detail.
She cheated on you? She up and left? She never loved you? You never loved her? None of it reflects well on you.
Actually, I have a litmus test on this topic, especially if she cheated or initiated the divorce. I'll ask if it was a complete shock. Did he think everything in his marriage was just fine and had no idea that anything was wrong or that she was unhappy? RED FLAG!
My response to that is... "So where were you?" Was he checked out of the marriage? Was he content with his needs being met and so never noticed that she was bored, or unfulfilled, or overworked as a mom?
You'd be surprised how many guys say, "Yeah! Total shock!" That's when I prepare my exit.
I guess the next thing would be to ask what he's learned from his divorce... but that seems like more of a fourth date question... not the first.

See how this is so tricky?

Fifth.
If you're telling me that ALL your friends are getting divorced... that scares me.
Granted, you're going to want to support your friends through the same thing that you went through. But if you're only associating with other divorced guys... well... that tells me that you think it's okay. I'd rather hear that you're moved to help them reconcile. I want to know that divorce was so awful you wouldn't want to wish it on anyone else.
Maybe I'm too idealistic... but you know what they say, birds of a feather flock together. If I said all my friends were hoodlums, would you believe that I'm the Mother Theresa trying to straighten them all out - or would you think that maybe I'm a shady character too?
Weird correlation I suppose... but it's reasonable for me to think that if you're only socializing with people in the midst of divorce ... er... that's where you're comfort zone is.
I can see that it's probably different with kids... because you want them to know they're not the only kids in the world with divorced parents.

Sixth. The future.
This last divorced guy started ticking off qualities that he expected of his next wife. That's okay for the most part... not ticking them off, but having an idea. It just felt wrong when I could add up that he was looking for qualities the exact opposite of his ex-wife.... I mean OBVIOUS. And I've never met her! To me, that says he thinks it will all work out if he can identify the bugs in a particular model and build his own divorce proof robot.

Granted, I know what qualities I want to avoid in men ( most of which were gleaned from my relationship with Mr. Burns) but I see it more as being able to identify those qualities and avoid them and not be fooled again. Not sweeping generalizations... but more about identifying behavior.

Seventh. More about the future.
This one is pretty specific. This last guy mentioned (on the first date/meeting mind you!) that if he got married again it would be a casual affair. In the mountains or on the beach or something. I replied that I would want a Mass in a Church... the whole Sacrament. I've been waiting my whole life for this, it's going to be official! He whimpered a bit and said, "Oh, I can't do that. I'd have to get an annulment."
"Oh. " I said, "Well, you sort of need one of those to date me in the first place."
He looked at me a bit shocked... crossed with impressed.

See... I'm not playing around. I'm not going to get involved with someone who isn't going to be serious. In my book, an annulment says your marriage is over and you've done everything you can do to be healed. You really ought to be healed and ready if you're going to start dating.

What is dating if marriage is not the goal?
That's just setting people up for disappointment.

When I'm looking at profiles, I look for a few specific details, especially in the profiles of divorced guys... A) Divorced for at least two years B) if they have kids, they have at least 50/50 custody. A guy who lives more than an hour from children is a flag. I have no interest in a guy who has abandoned his children, even if it would be easier on me! C) That he might be open to having more children. Obviously, I may not be able to have kids of my own, but I'd like the guy to be open to it - we should be at a similar starting point and let God sort it out.

I know Divorced folks have their opinions on dating the Never-Married as well.... and it's true, we come from completely different worlds.
Often the divorced married right out college and have never been alone... and for the never-married... the exact opposite. Different worlds.

What's your experience?

The Long and Short of It

2011-09-18T23:14:00.000-06:00

I've been single for a long time. Since, you know, birth for starters.

Over the years, I've considered myself pretty open-minded about who I would date. I've chastised other women for rejecting men who didn't meet their height requirements... or hair-to-scalp ratio. Bald? I don't care... bald can be HOT! (seriously girls, date ONE bald guy, you'll see. Or maybe I just dated a really hot bald guy to start with. hmmm. that's still a nice memory!) Tall, short... who cares? I've dated men shorter than I. Heck, I figure if God made a complete man before he reached 5'10"... he's probably a mighty good man!

In the past, I even boasted that I'd go out with anyone who asked me out. (that comment even bit me in the butt once. That's another story... maybe I'll share some day.)

But today, it seems that the only dating that occurs, begins online. When I meet men in real life... it doesn't seem to occur to them to ask me out. (in fact, one real life man in whom I was briefly interested, told me that he's not looking to meet anyone at all the events we end up at together. Hmmm? Who wants to be alone? Does not compute.)

Back to the online thing. So, I'm dutifully perusing my online sources... meeting a few men.

Mr. Potential still has his hat in the ring, but no grand efforts just yet. Many very sweet, kind gestures but he's not pursuing hard, we are casually getting to know one another, which I enjoy.

So here's the thing. As I'm shopping for men online... and meeting them in person... the common theme seems to be that they're either divorced or divorcing (and I won't date anyone who says they're 'separated' - hi, how dumb do you think I am?!) or they're shorter than 5'10".

Now remember... I don't care about height. (I thought)

One friend, who had a big hang up about dating someone who wasn't taller than she... and ended up marrying he who is her exact height... said about more than one prospect of mine, "Maybe that's the only reason he's single... because he's short."

I'm still not sure what I think about that statement.
It suggests that too many women couldn't see a good man because they were blinded by his lack of stature. But then again, it suggests that height was a sufficient reason to discard a good man. It suggest yet another statement that I can't seem to put into words...

But what is bugging me... is that despite the fact that I don't care about height... I'm learning that when I meet the men who I know are 'short'... and I encounter them in real-life... there is a moment of disappointment. (What?)

Actually, think it has less to do with their height than with the fact that they're small all the way around.
Listen. I'm only 5'5" (depending on who measures... I've been accused of being shorter!) and I have a rather slight frame. But sometimes these men make me feel like I'm bigger than them. I don't understand it.
Mr. Potential, for example, is very fit and lean - but when I put my arms around him, I feel like I'm holding onto less than what he is holding onto! It feels odd.

So now, thanks in part to what my friend said... I'm starting to feel like these small guys are (ooh... I don't want to say it... ) leftovers.

Ack. I don't like that! But there it is.
I don't really feel that way... but when I see a profile that describes a man that doesn't quite appeal to me... and then check his height status... it seems to confirm the theory.

Oh well. These are just thoughts. Not hard and fast facts or even well-thought-out opinions...
It's just that I want to wrap my arms around someone substantial. Someone who feels like a man, strong, protective...

In fact, I've dated shorter men who did present that physical security... so I don't understand what has changed. Maybe our age impacts the meaty factor?

Okay folks... don't jump down my throat here. You know I don't normally target like this. Any thoughts?

It Is Well With My Soul

2011-09-08T20:42:00.000-06:00

Let me tell you friends, God is good.

People are good.

It took me about 12 hours to get home once I heard my dad was gone. I couldn't get a seat on the flight that would have got me home quickest. Instead, we arranged for relatives to get me at the airport three hours away - so all totaled - I walked into my parent's house almost exactly 12 hours after I heard the news.

Some relatives were already visiting with mom. Before long neighbors stopped by. All day, people stopped by with food and hugs and memories of my dad. It was really something special.

Later that same afternoon, we went to the funeral home to make arrangements for the funeral. Since the rest of my family had been at the hospital with dad just after he died - and I hadn't - I needed to see him. I asked the funeral director if it was possible for me to see him, and he assured me I could.

After we settled all the arrangements, my mom and brother left the room - and the staff wheeled my dad in on a table. I got to spend time with him, just the two of us. I prayed over him and sang to him - It Is Well With My Soul. Because it was.

My dad was 78 years old. Not that all that old if you ask me. I was just sure he would make it to 80.

But, he lived all the way up until he died. He worked hard every day of his life, and he was getting to the point that he couldn't work the way he wanted to - and that was a blow to his dignity.

Dad left this world just as he had hoped and prayed that he would. Without growing so old as to be frail - without suffering - without ever having to be in a nursing home - without being stuck on life support (which was his greatest fear). So I can't help but be happy for him.

My dad has seen the face of God and I'm stuck here. Great for him, rough for me.

I had the best dad any girl could ask for. He loved me and he showed it. It was proud of me and he told me. He was wise and kind, and everyone who knew him witnessed it.

I don't think my dad knew just how many people thought the world of him. The funeral home was so packed, they said their were only two chairs left in the whole building! In the small town, the funeral home is just two blocks off of the main street... and we heard that traffic was backed up where a trail of cars had to wait for the traffic light to turn left!

The church was packed at the funeral, and it's a good-sized church.

It reminded me of three years ago... when we threw a surprise party for dad's 75th birthday. We had about a hundred people there - and dad was shocked that so many people would travel just for a party for him. He joked that night that he was afraid there was a funeral the next day because he felt like he was at his own wake! Actually, I loved that... because so often, people don't get together until someone dies. How nice it was for him to enjoy the party!

We had a big party for my parent's 50th Anniversary in June. It was bigger than his birthday party - and it was a great time! We were all so happy that we had that party, everyone got to see dad and mom together... happy... in good health and good spirits.

Even better that everyone remembers him fondly.

What a mighty good man.

I love you daddy. See you soon in eternity.

Heavy on My Heart

2011-08-15T06:34:00.001-06:00

I'm sitting in the airport waiting for a flight I didn't plan to take.

Early this morning my phone rang. I could see the incoming call was from a family member, who I knew could only have bad news at that hour. I silently prayed for a minor accident... instead it was my worst fear.

My dad died.
I howled. I cried and I moaned.
I still don't know much. It was probably a massive heart attack. My mom couldn't even get him to the hospital, he died about two minutes after she got him in the car.

My brother called shortly after, and we only talked for a few minutes - he had mom to take care of - so I was left to sob and wail all on my own at 1:30 in the morning. The first thing I did was open the laptop to book a flight home.
I called my best friend, waking her from a sound sleep - but it was the best thing I could have done. She sat with me, states away but with me.

All I could say is that I was not ready for this. I am not ready to live without my daddy.
I told her that my mom, my brother, his wife and kids were all able to be there and see him one last time. Being the only one far away is lonely. It's even lonelier in a one-bedroom condo with no one there to wipe my tears, or hold my shaking body.

I couldn't in good conscious keep her on the phone... so I said goodbye and started throwing suitable clothes into a suitcase.
After another quick conversation with my brother, I went back to the computer hoping for an available flight earlier than 9:00PM. I decided to look at flights to the next closest city and booked the 7:00AM flight.

I threw more clothes and shoes into my suitcase, realizing that I had to head to the airport in less than two hours.

I called a night owl friend to see if he could take me to the airport, but of course he was sound asleep. I dropped off a spare set of car keys at my office so that he could bring my car home later... as I don't know how long I'll be out of town and I didn't want to park in off-site, long term parking.

The moment I got on the interstate, at about 4:20AM I saw that all three lanes were narrowed to one... and there was a long line of red tail lights before me. I thought to myself, "Seriously?" and then prayed, half joking, "Part the waters Lord. At least keep the traffic moving so I don't miss my flight."

The traffic was moving, but I started to wonder why there were traffic cones and no construction workers. The next thing I saw was a police car in the next lane, driving backwards... then ahead of him, a construction truck with a worker picking up traffic cones!

I laughed out loud and said, "You are a gracious and wonderful God! Part the waters indeed!"

I'm waiting for the plane now. My aunt and uncle are driving to pick me up from the airport.
I don't know what happens from here.

It is well with my soul... but heavy on my heart.
Thanks Bloggy friends. Typing this to share with you has been a lovely distraction.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yrjnYTW-fsQ

Potential

2011-08-06T22:22:00.001-06:00

Hello bloggy friends.
When last we exchanged ideas... I was intrigued by the gentleman who showed a real investment in getting to know me.

How do I explain what has happened since then?
How about: He's doing everything right. Eh? How about THAT?!

He asked me to meet him for drinks, with the possibility of dinner, because... in his words... he was optimistic that we would hit it off. I liked that, but then for some reason, when he called to confirm, I was feeling skeptical (too much talking to girlfriends on my part! - that's a fine line you know!).

We met at a rather happening downtown place, enjoyed drinks and endless conversation, and it was obvious we would have dinner together. The poor waiter had to leave and come back several times because we couldn't stop talking long enough to look at our menus!
Later, he walked me to my car and told me he wanted to see me again. I agreed.

He had a trip planned and was out of town shortly after our meeting. By that weekend, I was tempted to text him, but reminded myself to LET HIM PURSUE ME! Within an hour or two, he texted me a greeting from his vacation. Nice.

We had another date in which he offered to pick me up. For the second date, I decided that was okay as long as I planned to meet him in my building's entry. When he buzzed, I ran downstairs to find him waiting with a lovely bouquet of flowers! So we went back up to my place to put them in water... I was stunned by his sweet and formal gesture!

Dinner went the same... non-stop conversation.
He laughs at nearly everything I say... I smile like a dork the whole time.
He walked me to my front door and said that he was really enjoying getting to know me. I agreed. A polite kiss and hug and we were off to our separate corners. (really a 'polite' kiss, as I felt a cold coming on... and I was right.)

Out of town again... he sent me a meaningful message during his vacation time.

Oh... and he locks me in for a future date nearly a week in advance.

I will say, this same behavior in other men has made me uncomfortable in the past.
There was a guy who brought me a dozen roses every time he came to see me, and it just came off as overkill. Maybe that's because I don't really care for roses. (seems the second they are cut, they smell foul to me)
I wondered for a second or two, if downloading a sampler of my favorite band was a bit much... but something about his approach ... it all struck me as sincere.
So this man seems to be hitting it out of the park right now.
I'm not saying I'm falling for him or anything just yet, but I have the attentions of a very good man and I know that.

Meanwhile, McTwitchy has detected that I have someone else in rotation. He pointed out that he senses that I'm being distant... and if I am, it's not intentional... I've been pretty busy with work... and then with some dates, so I haven't been available for McTwitchy... plus a stupid head cold... but oh, I didn't tell you that he seems to be suddenly falling hard for me. I told him if he wanted a third chance with me.... that he would have to be serious. Have to have a plan and know what he wants. I still don't think he's ready to do that... honestly.
So I don't know what he expects.
That's a whole other kettle of fish, as they say.
He asked me if this new guy had potential.... well, what could I say?

Yeah, loads of potential!

Quickies

2011-07-23T17:18:00.000-06:00

Two things my bloggy friends...

One

After the disastrous online dating event I referred to in my last post... things picked up with another online suitor. We exchanged a few emails and it is all very encouraging. Allow me to tell you a story about just how sweet he is.
The other day he asked about what concerts I was looking forward to this summer. I responded that my favorite band is playing at a music festival next month. In his next email, he shared that he downloaded a music sampler of that band on iTun*s so he would know what I liked. (How nice/invested is THAT?!) Then he wrote a whole email incorporating the names of some of the groups' songs... as sort of a word scramble game for me. Cute. no? Then at the end of the email he told me how much he was liking the band to which I just introduced him! How do you not like the guy? We're meeting on Monday.

Two

I went to my yoga class for the first time in five or six weeks... ouchy... I was sore!
One of my favorite instructors taught the class and at the end of class, he suggested that if there was anything any of us were holding onto that wasn't serving us (emotionally, not spare change!) that we should take a moment to just leave it in the room.
I thought for a couple seconds... and determined that I was still holding onto anger at Mr. Burns for wasting so many years with me... when he had to know he was never going to be able to commit.
I should leave that on the mat. It's making me hostile and unattractive.
I wasn't so sure it would actually work... but for the past six days... I have felt SO good to let go of that hostility! Wow!
So it makes me wonder... why do I avoid the sacrament of confession? Maybe that's the experience I needed to be able to understand the freedom of offering those naughty things that don't serve me to God.

Oh The Joys of Online Dating

2011-07-16T20:23:00.000-06:00

I am currently participating on a popular online dating site, and each week as a member has its ups and downs.

One man contacted me with so much enthusiasm - I was at once, turned off and flattered. I hate to say it, but judging by his profile and his picture, I wasn't interested. It's a struggle to balance being judgmental, intuitive and open-minded. (more on that later)

Despite my disinterest, I decided to communicate with him on the site until I felt compelled to meet him or certain that I would never want to.

Interestingly, as he sent me multiple messages... even when I was off site for more than a week at a time - I began to delay logging onto the site because I dreaded getting all of these messages from him in particular.
(Funny, as I relayed this to a friend who has not been on any dating sites, she remarked that it was interesting that the same feelings play out, as they do in real life!)

After a couple exchanges, his most recent message to me began with, "It sounds like you want to have children..." he went on to explain that he has decided he doesn't want to have children... AND THEN... he offered the information that, "It is sometimes precarious to have children after age 40."

(I'll let that sink in for a bit.)

Oh yes he did!!
Really? Is that right?
Is this man so ignorant as to think that there is a 40-year-old woman alive in the United States of America, particularly one who has not yet had the opportunity or the good fortune to successfully procreate prior to her 40s, who doesn't know the difficulty, the rarity, the risks, and the likelihood of conception after age 40?!?!
Is he so smug as to think that he can reveal information on the statistics of "geriatric pregnancy" that a woman my age doesn't already know?

I politely wrote back that yes, I do indeed have a strong maternal instinct, and that I hoped to have children whether they be the "homemade" variety, adopted or even foster children. That I know rather well, that there is a chance that I can't have the homemade variety - but that I still think it would be crucial to a marriage to start out with a spouse who is also interested in having children, and has the faith to let the "chips fall where they may." (translated as a faith in God to provide the best for us and our marriage)

Then, after I answered his other inquiries, I offered the advice that he ought not ever feel compelled to inform a woman older than 40 about the likelihood of conception and pregnancy. We know. We've been thinking about since we were 20-years-old. We've been worried about it since we were 25. We've been praying about it since we were 30, and we've been researching it since we turned 35.

I look forward to never hearing from him again.
I dread that I will indeed, have one more message from him before this over!

I promised more on the delicate balance:
It is my nature to be rather open-minded about dating anyone - but experience, while being a harsh teacher, also teaches wisdom. There are certain clues, signals, in what people say, what people do... and sometimes even in their appearance that reveal how they are going to act, and sometimes what is in their heart. (it's long been said that eyes are the window to the soul... which is not so far off.)
It is tempting to be dismissive of those that signal that which repels us. And having been single for so many years, one starts to re-think one's strategy... and give them a chance, just in case we are wrong.
So far, my gut has been right.
Stinking, alone, and right!

Simple Question

2011-07-04T09:53:00.002-06:00

How much of your life do you expect to go by before you find the person you're supposed to spend your life with?

He Calls Me "Hon"

2011-06-30T22:26:00.000-06:00

Life is whirling around me.
Friends who commiserated with me on datelessness, lovelessness and childlessness only a year ago are now married with fresh pink babies.
I am immensely happy for such friends. It is WILD how quickly love can sweep you up, and in my friend's case, give you all you ever dreamed of.

Meanwhile, I am dating and also still spending time with McTwitchy. We do greatly enjoy each other's company. We are not dating but we are dear friends.

Last week, he drove me to the airport as I left town to spend time with my family. Last night, I returned the favor. I arrived at his house while he rushed to complete important business emails. I was suddenly struck with a headache and fatigue. Mysteriously.
We had plenty of time, before his flight, so as he typed rather frantically I found space on his sofa and covered my eyes.

From the other room, he eyed me and said, "Do you feel okay, Hon?"

Hon? Honey? Where did that come from? Ah yes, he did call me hon a few times while we dated. Mainly when he complimented me on dinner.
But we've been NOT dating for about seven months now and he calls me hon?

I am not one to reject a term of endearment. If he wants to call me 'hon' that's fine.

What IS funny is, when he called me at work last week, to verify our airport plans... he rang my direct line and didn't introduce himself. I fully expected it to be one of any possible number of co-workers from a distant office and was understandably confused when the person on the other end of the line didn't identify himself! When I finally realized it was McTwitchy, and acted a bit shocked. He didn't seem to understand why I didn't know it was him (I'm there to work, most callers ID themselves) and then joked, "It's that OTHER guy you've been dating."

I didn't bother to tell him that I AM dating other guys. (the intention has already been established - months ago)
So with the "hon" impact, I'm wondering if he thinks we're just in a holding pattern.
Or, it's just a term of endearment between dear friends.

Sometimes, even in dating relationships, pet names don't mean anything anyway.

Priorities

2011-06-10T22:10:00.000-06:00

Well, I guess blogging hasn't been a priority for me lately. I'm sorry I haven't been around.
I have tons of topics swimming in my head, but just can't get the motivation to sit at a computer and write it all down.

It's partly because I'm at a computer all day long at work now. And partly because I'm trying to get out socialize and exercise more, so my priorities have to change.

Bottom line, I need to socialize and exercise if I'm ever going to find someone with whom to share my life. As I've always said; he's not going to just fall through my living room ceiling, and if he does, I think I'd be a little bit creeped out!
The exercising part... well I'm getting older and I don't like what age is doing to my body. I'm thinking of getting signed up with a personal trainer... since I'm just not getting the results I want on my own.

As well, my birthday is approaching and I have decided not to get older! I'm holding. That's it.
If you've been joining me on my blog for a while now, you may know that I tend go through a pretty tough patch before each birthday. It's not too bad this year - although, I'm recognizing that I have one group of friends that are perpetually single, like me... and the other group is getting married and having babies. I realized that at my age, it's now acceptable for people to assume that perhaps I'm deeply flawed and there's some "good" reason why I'm single.

So I thought about it... how did I get through my 30s without getting married? Well, I spent the last three years of my 30s with the wrong guy.
But prior to that, I dated.
I have never dated a lot, I think.
In high school I dated one boy. In college, I dated just a few guys - only one seriously. Then in my 20s I probably dated about one guy a year... but not for an entire year. Meaning, I went on dates with a few men each year, but dated maybe one for a handful of months.

Not as much dating as some people... but certainly more than most!

I have not done the math but let's think about this... meeting and dating 3-5 men a year for the past 20 years... it's safe to say that I've dated at least 50 men. I've probably passionately kissed 20 or more men in my lifetime! That ought to be enough! People who marry in their 20s have probably seriously dated 5 men tops. (Thank God I had the good sense not to sleep with all those men!)

I feel at the same time that I've dated plenty... and that I've not dated enough!
I have also thought that I was fortunate that I've never really dated any jerks. Which is oddly frustrating. While is lovely that God has spared me from truly awful men... you'd think that out of a line of really good men that someone would have worked out!

What is a girl to do?

Was He Prince Charming or True Love?

2011-05-01T15:21:00.001-06:00

(or can you have both?)

Prior to the event of the Royal Wedding, I couldn't help having cynical thoughts of just what this union was about.

I kept thinking of the marriage between Lady Diana Spencer and Prince Charles... and how even before her death... the whole thing ended terribly.   In retrospect it began terribly when the Monarchy wouldn't allow Charles to marry the woman he really loved, Camilla, because she didn't suit the Royal standard.   So poor 19 year old Diana was swept up in it, after meeting Charles only 13 times!

How did that happen? Do you agree to marry a prince just because you're asked? Because it's good for your family for you to do so?

So in watching Prince William and Kate, it is rather believable to see that she could meet the prince who attends her college classes, get to know him and date him.
What I find difficult to believe is how do you really fall in love with such a ... spectacle? ... icon? ... yeah... an icon of your society?
How do you say, "Yes, I will marry you, become a target of public scrutiny, become a leader of the people of England. I agree to become a spectacle for the public to either love or hate. For tabloids to discuss my weight or the condition of my skin, or my raising of our future children ad nauseum." ???

I mean, I know women who wouldn't want to marry a police officer or a rodeo cowboy or a doctor because of the undesirable work hours, travel or the danger involved.   But to marry into a family thusly opening yourself up to scrutiny for the rest of your life and beyond?!?!? Who would do that? Could she really LOVE him? And if she did, would that life be worth it?

What stood out to me during the ceremonies was Kate's incredible poise and sophistication. It is as if she is meant for the monarchy. In contrast to Diana's nervousness and tittering on her wedding day. (as well as her bumbling throughout the engagement and first years of marriage.) But then Kate's poise sent me to thoughts of... "This must be a contractual obligation... she's had designs on royalty for years... this is a power move for her!"

Am I this jaded? I think I am.
Sometimes I am at the point that I think it can never really happen. That there is no way that I will actually find the one guy (or ten) that respects my faith life, respects my family, respects his mother, would like to have children but will be okay with it if it turns out I can't do, thinks I'm pretty, thinks I'm funny, respects me wants to take day trips and weekend trips with me, and spend his life with me.... who I also respect, find attractive, can be loyal to, want to spend time with... etc etc.   Then, like a shift in the wind, I think there has to be! Just has to be. There is no way God intends for me to be alone forever.

It's truly hard to imagine, loving someone so very much that neither of you are afraid of what could happen over the next 50 years.

I have a hard time imagining that someone as beautiful and elegant as Kate Middleton could actually have fallen in love with this Prince and he with her!
It simply can't happen! I can't even fall in love with a decent guy with a good job or a good heart and have him love me back. How impossible is it that this woman can really be love with a royal? Come on. It's the stuff of fairy tales!!

Then suddenly it was clear.

As the cameras followed the carriage ride of the Prince and Princess back to Windsor Castle... anyone capable of simple lip-reading could make it out as Kate turned to Prince William and said, "I am so happy."

And I believe she is. I believe he is too.
Do I believe I can ever find someone to love so much that I'd be willing to change my life in such a remarkable, uncomfortable way? And know that he indeed loves me? I'm not so sure. It wasn't supposed to be this hard to begin with!
But anything is possible. Fairy tale or not.

Photo pulled from bizchickblogs.com

Due Diligence

2011-04-23T12:17:00.001-06:00

Have you noticed that "In a Relationship" status' (statuses, stati?) are popping up all over f@cebook?
I am happy for them, but I do wonder how it happens. I was only on f@cebook the last year that Mr. Burns and I were together, and I was only comfortable enough to switch my status to "It's Complicated" which was rather apt!

A friend of mine in another state just changed his status. He also shared his joy with me that he is in love with someone new. When I asked him what made her special to him, he said it was her casual, laid-back personality. The clincher: "In four months (of dating) she never asked once about our 'relationship'... Not once. She simply relaxed and had fun."

It occurred to me that that's not so unusual. To me, the first four months is about getting to know one another, to see if you're compatible and whether you ought to be in a relationship.
I know I don't squeak and fuss about "where our relationship is going" early on... I've learned that in all my years of dating. Nothing is a bigger turnoff to a man than a woman bugging him to jump into something for which he's not ready.

I can't imagine many women would be nagging in the first four months... but then, I don't date women. I told my friend that knowing him, he was open and communicative so as a result she didn't have to ask questions because she knew (at the very least) that they were on equal footing.

The four month mark is a reasonable time to know whether you are coming or going in a relationship... so the fact that he knew enough to 'define the relationship' at that point speaks to his decency and maturity.
Those men who don't do such due diligence, are the ones who get all irritated and annoyed when women then start asking questions.

I think that's the red flag. If after four months, a man hems and haws and avoids "defining the relationship" - he's either not into her, he's using her for sex, or he simply lacks the maturity (or readiness) to have a relationship.

Quite frankly, that's what happened with McTwitchy. Depending on where you started counting (from our first stint at dating or from our second go 'round) we'd been dating for either four or six months when I started asking questions. Not about marriage, just about the seriousness of his intent. Based on past experience, I wasn't going to waste months on someone who wasn't into it - because I didn't want to miss meeting the man who would love me without reservation.
(I still think McTwitchy had special considerations, and it's still quite frustrating to know how much he liked me, and I liked him, but it just couldn't move forward. So sad.)

It is in a man's best interest to make sure the woman he is dating both feels special, and knows that she is special to him.    A smart, kind and thoughtful man will make sure a woman knows where she stands. Four months into a relationship is fair game for both parties to want some clarity.

To men, my advice is this; if at four months (six months maximum) you don't feel like this woman is really special and that you really want to get to know her better, let her go. Make sure that you broach the topic before she has to.

Actually, men would do well to know that... if you really want to be successful in relationships, do what needs to be done before she has to ask. Define the Relationship, tell her you love her, do the break-up if you have to.   If you wonder why women are always asking questions and never seem satisfied with what you do... it's probably because you are not doing these things. (Now, if you have no interest in making a woman feel special - that's fine. Either don't date, or don't be surprised that you're with a frustrated woman.)

It's so funny, I hear talk of men complaining of their girlfriends whining about wanting to get married.... and my thought is, "You should have asked before she had to bring it up!"
That's a pretty clear sign that you're not on the same page. A woman will wait a good three to six months after she thinks she's sure he's the right one, before she mentions it to him. So if she has to bring it up, he's slacking off.

For example, I waited for three months after I was ready to tell Mr. Burns that I loved him --- to hear it from him first. Three months! I finally went off when we were spending the day with my friend and her husband and Mr Burns said, "I love this guy!" It took him another YEAR for him to tell me that maybe he felt like he did love me! Ugh. How on earth did I waste that much time with him?!

Worth the Trip?

2011-04-17T23:37:00.000-06:00

When I moved to this city, I left some close friends behind back home. Initially, I thought I would only be here for six months. It'll be nine years this summer.   When I knew I was staying, I mentioned to some of those friends how nice it would be if they came to visit.

One of my guy friends has been out here three times now. He is a traveler, so it's natural for him.
Another girl friend came out for a weekend visit once... and another caught up with me when her parents brought her out here for a Rockies game.

But my best friend has never come.   I was her maid of honor. I am Godmother to her oldest child.
About eight years ago, she told me she would come out for my wedding.

Well guess what? There hasn't been a wedding. There is no wedding on the horizon.

I moved here in my early 30s, so everyone thought Mr.Right was just about to show up. It was reasonable that a friend would assume that a wedding would be just a year or two away.

Then in 2007, I started dating Mr. Burns and a lot of people thought a wedding was eminent.
As you know, that was a no-go.

Eight years later, isn't it time to get in the car and say hi?

Yeah, I admit I'm hurt by it... and if you don't understand why, let me put it this way...   I'm not important enough to visit just me. I'm not worth visiting unless I can prove that someone else, someone whom she has never met, loves me and wants to spend his life with me.

Is that how you want your friends to feel?
So if I never have a wedding - she'll never visit?

Part of this world tells me that I shouldn't feel pressured to be married. But then some of the people closest to me can only justify a car trip if there's a big event to go along with seeing me.

(Let's face it, we've all been to friend's weddings... you don't even get to visit with the bride or groom... they're way too busy!)

Is anyone else out there sending a message like this to someone they love? Did you even realize the message you're sending?

FYI: It's an eight hour car trip or a 2 hour flight. I drive a couple hours out of my way to visit her when I'm out that way to visit my parents.

Forever or Never

2011-04-14T23:10:00.000-06:00

I have a favorite afternoon radio show. The guys are hilarious, silly and actually pretty smart. They pose very intriguing questions and conundrums... and then they have great discussions with their call-in listeners. It's a great venue to hear lots of different opinions.

More than once, they have tackled the question of the ultimatum. Would it work, does it ever work... for a woman to throw down the gaunlet on her man, "Propose to me by ____ or I'm gone."? Typically, they advise women to have the ultimatum in mind, but never speak of it. Stick to your decision though, if he doesn't meet your needs, move on.   I agree. Proposing an ultimatum puts the man in an uncomfortable position. Would you really want to marry someone who came to the decision reluctantly?

One recent afternoon they addressed the situation from another angle. Their question, "If you are with the man you want to spend the rest of your life with... what is the breaking point that makes you walk? If you love him and want to marry him, why end the relationship just because he doesn't want to get married? Do you suddenly not love him?"

Interesting. Coming from two men, they theorized that a woman who does so never really loved the man.

For one thing, if it's a man who never intends to marry - he should state that upfront. That's only fair.

Callers offered several different thoughts. While I didn't call in, I did roll the concept around in my head and concluded: If he loves her... and we're talking about a scenario in which he would happily stay with her indefinitely... then the fact that he won't do this one thing to fulfill that desire for her speaks volumes. Doesn't it?

I think it's clear that if one person wants to get married and the other doesn't... then their goals aren't the same to begin with.

I'll take it a step further and suggest that if life goals don't match up from the start, a couple may have no business getting involved.
A couple should establish 1) a common faith, or an acceptance of their differences 2) common activities 3) support of one another's life goals.... loooonnnngg before they sleep together, live together or otherwise commit to one another.   But in today's culture... most couples work the opposite direction, placing physical attraction and chemistry ahead of what they ever have in common.
That's how someone finds oneself in a position of being in love with someone who never wants to marry them.
How can one say forever, if the other is stuck on never?

Worth Waiting For!

2011-04-07T22:49:00.000-06:00

I love my bloggy friends!

Miss Andi shared this spoken word poetry slam... very inspiring.
I Will Wait For You

Lots of beautiful lines... one in particular, "I will no longer get weighed down from so-called friends and family talks about the concern for my biological clock when I serve The Author of Time!"

The standards we all should wait for... and single men should work to live up to.
It's a lot to live up to... but the effort would go a long way.

Beautiful, thanks for sharing Andi!!

Scoreboard!

2011-04-03T00:03:00.000-06:00

Do you remember the little snarky chants your schoolmates came up with at school sporting events?
I recall our High School boy's basket ball team playing the well-known boy's only school in another city. When their side chanted the familiar: "We've got spirit, Yes we do! We've got spirit, How 'bout you?" The retort from the seniors on our side came: "We've got GIRLS, Yes we do! We've got GIRLS, How 'bout you?"

I'm told it wasn't the first time they heard that!

My favorite came during the Girl's State Basketball Tournament one year, when one of our girls put up a poorly executed shot and the fans on the other side bellowed: "Airball, airball."
The quick retort from our side: "Scoreboard. Scoreboard!" seeing that we had a healthy lead with just a few minutes left... it didn't really matter that we put up an airball. It's about perspective.

I'm not a sports fan - but this is what came to mind as I wanted to share tonight's dating report.
I want to point to the scoreboard...
The guy who ticked me off on the phone the other night - 0.
The guy I met for coffee late this afternoon - 237 points!

He's not close to my type - if I have one... but he met most of my initial requirements and he's nice looking and he was so engaging on the phone that I had to meet him.
I had the best time... with the benefit of a beautiful afternoon, basking in warm sun and a light breeze. We had a great conversation... he's kind and thoughtful and sweet. He held my hand, he thinks I'm funny.
All in all... just a great experience.

No idea what happens next but it's nice just to have a good, positive date!
Quite certain I'll see him again. He's not at all who I would picture myself with - but I'm impressed nonetheless.

Just thought I'd share that happy!

Dodging Bullets

2011-03-30T23:28:00.000-06:00

These days, I am putting some effort into online dating.   I'm opening myself up to phone conversations with more prospects right now.
One guy called me while I was at work the other day... I was a bit put off by it. But rather than be hasty, I told him I'd call him back when I wasn't working. I was at home tonight trying to edit a photo session I did this weekend... and thinking I should call him... but that I needed to make progress in Photoshop.
Suddenly the phone rang - it was a different online suitor.

He started talking. and talking. He would make a statement and I would try to respond to him... but he would continue with what he was saying. Essentially talking over me.   I was annoyed, but thought, "Maybe he's nervous. I'll give him some time to see if he corrects this behavior."
At one point, I even said something about seeing if I had hit the MUTE button on my phone - because he obviously wasn't hearing me.   Still, nothing changed.

This guy has no idea how to have a conversation!

I would try to interject occasionally, to turn it into a conversation...otherwise it's just a monologue! But every effort I made was futile.
Finally, I would try to interject - he would keep talking - then I would sigh. Occasionally, he made room for me, and then started talking before I could finish my thought or point!! I tried a new tactic - interjecting with "What I was going to say... " More steamrolling!

This wasn't a 12 year old! This was a 40+ year old man!

I gave it a full 30 minutes and then when he mentioned that I sounded frustrated... I started to explain that I was feeling like he wasn't interested in anything I had to say. That he kept talking over me.
Then he interrupted to say something about me interrupting him!

At that point, all bets were off. I was going to have my say whether he was talking or not - and I told him that it's customary in a CONVERSATION to have some give and take. A little exchange of ideas.
He didn't hear a word because he was more interested in making his point - which was to say that I was too feisty - and that he didn't see any point in continuing communication with me. Communication?! Ha!

It got a bit ugly... and I expressed alarm that I couldn't be the first woman to make this observation. According to him I was! Oh well. Clearly no sense of self awareness. (could that play in to why he is divorced?)

The phone call ended and I was all spun up. I mean spun UP!
My phone rang again - and it was the guy from the other day. I was still so agitated that I blurted out what the first guy had done. Then I felt bad because there I was - dominating the first thirty seconds of conversation.
But this man listened intently, and expressed appropriate alarm in the situation.

Once I dumped it all out, I was able to settle down - and we had a very nice conversation. An exchange of thoughts and ideas... just as someone would expect.

It was so nice... and he was very engaging! I even joked that he was lucky the first guy was such a jerk - it made him look even better!

So I'm planning coffee with guy #2.   Faith in humanity restored for now!

Good Questions

2011-03-27T19:45:00.002-06:00

Let's talk about dating tactics.

In the comments of an earlier post, Anonymous Pablo posed a couple of questions about my dating strategies. I started to answer him in the comments but realized I had enough commentary on the subject that it might as well be a post of its' own.
This is not only an answer to Pablo - but also possibly to any long-married types who make the same suggestions, and wonder why these 'apparent tactics' aren't considered by the unintentional singles they know.

So... let's get to it.

Pablo asks...

"...if you want a man that can go to mass with you , why don´t you start looking inside your church or other churches, I mean men that are already there."

You make a valid point, one that has been made to me for many years now... to look inside my church for an eligible man. The fact that I am at Mass every Sunday at one church or another... suggests that I have obviously looked there.
The sad fact is... single men don't go to church. The only time we see single men (at least at the Catholic churches I go to) are once they are engaged. Then, all of a sudden they are interested in following the faith in order to qualify for a Catholic Wedding Mass. But you see, once they're engaged... I sort of consider them off the market!

I am a Eucharistic Minister at my church... which means that I am one of the lay people who distributes Holy Communion at Mass. In doing so... I see everyone in the congregation, up close and person as I share with them the Body and Blood of Christ. Most often the only single men I see are under age 25! (or over 50!)

I am also a Lector, (one who reads scripture at Mass) so I am up in front of the congregation on a regular basis. As a result of that... I am up there for all to see as an available single woman. (not to say that I serve in that capacity for that reason... but ... you know... there it is.) The point being, I am very active and very visible in my parish, so you can trust me when I say there are no single men there.

I do have a friend in that church, who is a single dad. I have socialized with him and others in the church... and I do like him enough to be interested - but it's pretty clear he is not interested in me, if in 6 years he hasn't approached me in that way. For the record... he doesn't seem to be interested in dating at all - his focus is on his child. I believe we have a mutual respect and admiration for each other - but that is where it will end.

I also occasionally visit other churches - and I do not encounter single men there either. The Catholic Church doesn't really have any type of singles ministry... so there is no way for us to get together if there WERE single Catholic men. We only have the option of church-wide socials, which really aren't a draw for single men or singles in general.

In fact, if you were to give single Catholic men the same advice - to look for a good woman at church - they typically balk at the idea. I have been single for many years... and whenever that suggestion is made, they respond almost as if it's a blasphemous thought! (McTwitchy and Mr. Burns included) They think it's disrespectful to the Mass to intend to meet chicks there.

It is also well considered, (much has been written on the subject - unfortunately, nothing I am able to document here) that many men stray from the church once they graduate from High School and leave home, not to return until they are ready to get married. The common thought on this is that men seem to feel that reliance on a higher power shows weakness. Somewhere along the way, men are influenced to value their own accomplishments over seeking assistance from an Almighty and all-knowing and all-powerful God. It usually takes the influence of a woman they love to get them back in church. The prospect of raising a family seems to be an incentive. (as evidenced by my single dad friend, mentioned above. Raising his child is incentive for a God-filled life)

Pablo also asks...

...why don´t you tell the guy all these things you write here,try to be clear from the beginning, before you meet him. The worse thing or one of the worse things is that the signals are not clear for the other person, so say want you look for and what you want in a clear way, so you can be sure he got the message from the begining.(sic) Thats (sic) my opinion."

Also a good point. If you saw my online dating profile, you would know that I make it as crystal clear as possible.
In fact... how about an excerpt? This is one paragraph of my 'About Me' section:

"My faith is important to me and I need someone who appreciates that, as it's not going to change. I am a lifelong Catholic and would really like to find a good Catholic man - I could be open to a man of another denomination, if he's already active in his church and serious about his faith.
If you have checked "Spiritual not Religious" or "Other Religion" I am NOT for you. Trust me on this. I need a man who, like me, is going to put God first. It's not easy and I don't always succeed... but that's my goal."

Is that clear enough?

What I have noticed about online dating is 1) most men don't bother to read the profiles. They just look for pretty faces and then message women based on attraction. I think they see the writing as 'noise'. As a result, I get a lot of inquiries from men who identify as "Not Religious" or "No Religion". (despite my profile plea not to! ) On occasion, I have responded to such inquiries with a simple, "Did you read my profile?" Then I get a message back about how I am closed-minded, conservative or prudish. Yay.

2) When the only nibbles you get are from the wrong types, it's tempting to consider that maybe you are being too closed-minded. Maybe their idea of "Not Religious" means they haven't gone to church in 15 years but they're waiting for the woman who inspires them to return. Should I take that chance? Would it be better than no date at all?
Sometimes you have to take some risk.

Then there was the guy who identified himself as Catholic - and within 10 minutes of his first text to me... asked what I was wearing! When I responded that I had made it pretty clear that I was looking for a church-going Catholic man... and that I felt it was too soon in the getting-to-know-you stage to inquire about my undergarments, he responded by texting me a line or two from the "Our Father" which was clearly meant as sarcastic. (which I didn't appreciate at all.) A few more texts and it was clear he was just looking for bed buddy.

Dating is tedious at best. Online dating is just a minefield.
I'd really like to know how men experience online dating... because if their experience is as bad as mine... I just don't even see the point.

(I have heard from some men that their nemesis online are women who are looking for what might as well be called 'financial sponsors'. They make up stories about needed car repairs, house payments... and just milk men for cash. You would think if that's what men encounter... they'd be thrilled to find women like me!)

The Line Forms Here...

2011-03-24T22:32:00.000-06:00

At my church's Lenten fish fry, I carried my tray through the serving line then scanned the rows of tables for some familiar faces.   I found them at fully packed tables, so I looked around some more.
Finally, I spotted an opening and some friendly new faces so I screwed up my courage and as I claimed a seat I announced, "Sheesh, there are never any singles tables at these things!" That remark drew laughter and served as a mark for conversation.   That evening I met a couple, younger than me with an adorable brand new baby... and a trio of sweet older ladies who are now fixed on introducing me to at least one suitable nephew!

There is something to be said for making your needs known! It took a solid 45 minutes for Ms. Martha, across the table from me to think of her nephew. I gave her my phone number and email address... but I doubt I'll hear from her until the next fish fry!

Later that week, at work one of the women at the office asked me what sort of man I'm looking for - her queries were about height and I declared indifference. I have no height or hair requirements as long as the man is whole!!   We joked about the pain of dating... and a few days later she announced that she thought of someone to introduce me to. She started naming qualities to determine if anything was a deal breaker.

Finally I said, "I'll meet anybody, as long as you think we'll have something in common. This isn't a commitment to marry me. Just to meet me."

The ladies seemed to appreciate that ... and then my sarcastic nature took the best of me... "Just line 'em up!"

In related news... I have another set up in the works. I'm told he's a good, interesting guy. His main fault seems to be bad hair. Hopefully that's correctable.
And my dance card on my online dating site is starting to fill up. There is at least one very appealing prospect... so I'll have updates to share if you care to hear about my dating adventures.
Hoping to kiss my last frog.

Cut to the Chase

2011-03-13T13:40:00.003-06:00

Last weekend I had a third date with a guy I met online.
He's the sort of guy that you know is a good man - he volunteers, works with kids, wants to start an orphanage. Still, I didn't feel sparks of attraction. We got to date number three so that I could be sure I wasn't missing something.

For our second date, we met at a restaurant for dinner. I liked him a little better than after our first date. He's funny. Nice eyes, nice smile. But still no sparks.
So I was very surprised when he texted me shortly after we parted saying, "I wanted to kiss you."
Really? I hadn't gotten that sense at all.

When I didn't hear from him for more than a week after that... figured he'd given up.
Eventually, we planned date #3.
We went for a long walk with his well-behaved but hyper little dog. Then stopped at a restaurant beyond the park to have a little lunch. On the way back across the park, he told me about his ideas about faith. While it was interesting... it was, for me, a turn off.

You know when you look at online dating profiles and they say something like their 'own religion'? He's one of those. He even wrote a book about his theory!!
(I'm not going to describe or mention it here because I certainly don't want to drive his web traffic to my blog!!!)
Like I said... it was interesting but not compelling to me. I knew instantly that this is not someone I can partner through life with.
Que Sera sera.

But. He's a nice man and I didn't not like him.
So we sat and talked for a bit. He really wanted to kiss me.

I started to explain that I'm in a place in my life that I need to date more than one man at a time, and therefore, it would be awkward to kiss any one of them - because it would be unfair, mis-leading, and eventually kissing leads to other things - which then would make me dishonest with any other man I would be dating.

I feel I need to date more than one man at a time, because I tend to get all caught up and excited right away, to the exclusion of other options... then when it turns out that guy isn't right for me... there I am starting from scratch again.
From here on out, I'm going to date a few men at once... until there is a stand-out who declares he wants me all to himself!

Anyway... he didn't let me get too far beyond just that I don't plan to kiss anyone for a while...
He sort of blurts out, "What, do you think I want to sleep with you?"
he didn't let me answer, he continued... "Of course I do. I'm a guy."
Then he explained that he believes everyone knows within three minutes whether they want to sleep with someone.
Him, me, everyone.

I wanted to argue, but I wasn't given a chance.
I wanted to say that sure, we might sum someone up as 'desirable' or not but that for me, I don't want to sleep with someone until I know that could potentially marry that person.
I rarely even decide if they are attractive to me or not, until I can surmise what sort of life partner they might make.

Sure, in the secular world people can boil it all down to sex and attraction.
But when you're looking for someone who has your salvation in mind... there is much more to consider. To me, attraction starts with... will this guy go to Mass with me? Will he care for me and my family? Would he agree to me staying home if we have kids? In short, does he value what I value?

So today, I got to thinking... counselors, writers, parents, society... all mock women for the 'gene' that gets us planning our wedding with some guy before the second date - but what they don't realize is for some of us, dating IS about planning a marriage.

This guy wouldn't even have gotten to our second date if my only criteria were whether I wanted to have sex with him! But I wanted to know his real worth... what sort of man is he?

To me, that's not so silly.
I only wish it were more acceptable in society to look for a life mate and not just to mate!

I guess I'm supposed to be flattered that he wanted to nail me!

Which reminds me of this...

Also, what if I told a guy, "If my main criteria for dating you was based on whether I wanted to sleep with you, we wouldn't have made it this far."
Howdoya think that would go over?!

The Start of 40 Days

2011-03-10T00:38:00.002-07:00

Today was Ash Wednesday - which is always a challenge for me.

In the Catholic church it is a day of fasting, which means one meal-sized meal and something small and nutritious on either side of that meal. Also, no meat (and I'm allergic to fish) so it's pretty tricky for me besides the fact that I am a real grazer! I was proud to say that I didn't snack all day at work.

I sort of view Lent as a second chance New Year's resolution. I didn't really make any firm resolutions for the new year so my plans for Lent are:

No spending money outside of my essential expenses - I'm pretty impulsive, when I see something cute at a reasonable price I buy it with little thought. This will be a good exercise. I'm very tight-fisted about big purchases... but it's the small ones that add up.

Pray the Rosary Daily - I'm very lazy about this and I've actually already blown it for the first day of lent.

Socialize at least once a week - I know that doesn't sound like a sacrifice but I've decided it's something essential for my well-being. My social life pretty much collapsed while I was unemployed and poor. I'm making it a goal to rotate some new girlfriends into my weekly socials...we will be trying to meet men. God wants this for me. He does not want me to be alone.

I ended up going to Ash Wednesday service late this evening. The last opportunity of the day.
This Mass is usually more relaxed than our regular mass... and altar servers, lectors and other helpers are not necessarily lined up in advance.

So when it was time for the distribution of the ashes, Father asked for some of the Eucharistic Ministers to come up and help. So I did. That was the first time I got to distribute ashes which was a neat experience.

Then at communion, he had to ask for EMs again - so I was a busy servant at Mass.

The point of sharing that little fact is... when you serve during the Mass, people notice. There was a small family sitting in front of me that I had never seen before. I just assumed that they frequented a different Mass time.
Turns out they were new to Denver and to my church and so, when I leaned ahead at the conclusion of Mass to tell their daughter I thought her dress was very cute... the mom took the opportunity to introduce her family, share that they were new, and ask if I didn't just love serving as a Eucharistic Minister. Then she complimented me on my singing voice.

Isn't that just nice?!
I'm so glad she introduced herself, because I get really frustrated in the church that all the married people with families tend to keep to themselves - to the exclusion of singles in my opinion.

I'm going to like this family!

Dating Glowing Boxes

2011-03-03T21:52:00.003-07:00

Enter online dating.

At first it was a little creepy. Like the 1970s personal ads for a lover... but not as romantic as the unromantic Pina Colada song. Couples that did meet online made up cover stories.
Once you composed your online profile, you didn't tell a soul. Maybe you confided in your very best friends, informing them in hushed tones and with a sideways glance, looking up through your eyelashes for understanding and approval.

I knew the taboo had passed when my mom suggested it. My divorced cousin met her fiance (now husband) through a Catholic dating site and now that was the 'obvious' solution for me.

There's no turning back, this is where technology and unfortunately, society is headed.

When I started online dating, the text message was still in the conception stage - perhaps infancy - either way, I wasn't doing it yet. I had a system in place, in which potential dates (including real life guys) would get my land line number until they 'qualified' for my cell number - which seemed like a great deal of personal access to give to a virtual stranger.

Nowadays, almost everyone has unlimited text. Most of society relies on it a bit too much.

When I can finally get a guy to graduate from sending me smiley faces and virtual roses on a dating site to actual online conversation, he 'earns' my cell number. The first communication is typically... guess what... a text!

Wait... a text would be nice. The problem is, I now have a text thread of 70 messages between myself and a guy I have met twice (dinner) and spoken to ONCE on the phone.

It's no way to start a relationship!
There is no tone of voice, no hint of laughter. No revealing small bits of one's personality.
It's more like responding to the check engine light on the dashboard of your car.
I can't have a relationship with a glowing box!

It's not just him. It's most men these days. I think they appreciate the mask of the glowing box - the anonymity of not dealing with a tone of voice.
I think it has to do with the infamous Fear of Rejection... which as I've written before, I don't understand.

Another online guy texted me, just to say, "Hey you." I had to ask who it was, followed by a little chit chat, then nothing. A few days later I went back to the dating site and asked, "Is that the extent of your woo?" Now he threatens/promises to call me. We'll see.

Should I tell you about one more guy who texted me a greeting of "What's up?" I responded that it was my day off and I was happy to be cleaning my house. His response, "What are you wearing?"
SERIOUSLY?
Even then, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and answered along the lines that my ensemble involved a very domestic apron, (to show my traditional side) only to have him ask about my panties. Whoa!! I informed him that was not appropriate in the get-to-know-you-stage and successfully scared him off! Never heard from him again.

I really don't know how anyone is supposed to get to know anyone else this way.
Even the men I meet IRL text more than they call.
I get that it's easier to just say hi, or pin down plans, arrival times and such. But I think that's all it should be used for - at least in the very beginning of a relationship.

Maybe that's the problem. Men aren't in the mindset that they're possibly starting a relationship. Maybe they just want to 'hang out'. Well, that's fine if you're 15 years old - but I'm a woman. Please notice that I'm more sophisticated than a 15 year old. Treat me like a lady. Talk to me more than you text me.
Speak to me to ask me out and make plans for a date.

Texting makes it too easy for a guy to tap out "Can you meet me for dinner tonight?"
Um... I'd like to be asked out a few days in advance. Asking me a mere few hours before makes me feel not only like an afterthought.... but sort of like a.... call girl!

Put down the glowing box and talk to me... using your bluetooth!

Good Enough

2011-02-19T22:19:00.005-07:00

You know how I mentioned that my new job is with an old employer?
I worked with them a few years ago, before I left to explore some other, exciting opportunities in my career field. I gained some great experience doing work I had dreamed of - work many people in my career field dream of. It was fun while it lasted.

Anyway. Back on track.
So I'm back at the company I worked for prior to the excitement.

A lot of the same people are still there and they are welcoming me back with great affection. New employees are trying to figure what all the buzz is about and making an effort to get to know me.

From the old: "So what have you been up to? Are you married now? No? Dating anyone?"
From the new: "So tell me about yourself... do you have children? Are you married?"

Gah! It's just uncomfortable how one's status boils down to whether someone else in the world has found one worthy of partnering up.
At least they haven't asked "Why" I'm not married!

Then the other night I was out with my cousin and her husband. We live in the same city but see each other rarely. She's actually my second cousin, quite a bit younger than I so we don't socialize much.
To make conversation, her husband asked if I was seeing anyone.
I simply explained: "I was seeing someone but it didn't work out. Back to the drawing board."
That's it. I didn't wax on about being lonely or how old I am or about my withered ovaries... just a basic answer - and the first thing out of her mouth was: "You just need to lower your standards."

Motioning to her husband with my head, I blurted out the first thing to land on my tongue, "You mean like you did?!"

She laughed and demurred, playing along like, 'yeah I'm stuck with this bozo.'
We're relatives so we share the sense of humor, and moved on to talking about furniture or some such.
But after dwelling on the exchange, I began to steam. We have barely talked in five years and here she makes assumptions on my standards. On my worth. On who I deserve.

I was actually quite pleased with my retort. Just enough humor and I made my point.
Although when I relayed it to my mom she scoffed, "That was mean!"
Well, wasn't what she said mean? Guess it's more acceptable to insult someone's lack of a spouse than someone's actual spouse!
Why does she get a pass and I don't?

She didn't ask me about my standards. She just implied that whatever I'm looking for - I don't deserve.
I've been fuming now about what else I might have said in response:

"What would be the point of marrying someone I don't respect or have something in common with?"
"Oh? Is that what you'll tell your daughter some day?"
"So should I just go stand outside a prison and hook up with whomever gets released that day?"
"I just want my standards to be as high as those of the man whose standards I meet."

Ultimately, I am not prone to accept suggestions from those who married by the time they were 25 - because they have never really experienced 'dating'. If a life partner just fell into your lap before you even had to start a search - I don't think you get to give advice!

Actually, I find it quite telling that she said what she did. It shows she is young and inexperienced in the world.
Maybe it even tells me what she thinks of me... maybe she thinks I'm not attractive enough to have standards. Maybe she thinks I'm too old to hold out for what's best for me.
That's funny, to think that I'm holding out.

So, any thoughts on how to respond to such a statement?
Any smug marrieds make similar comments to you?

Mid-Season Replacement

2011-02-15T23:30:00.005-07:00

For many years my life has revolved around television. I have worked in many areas of broadcasting and so TV has been an occupational hazard of sorts.

Therefore, it seems appropriate that since I stopped updating this blog about the time the fall TV season ended in November... and now February sweeps are in full swing along with TV season continuations and some Mid-Season Replacements -I'm BACK!Thanks to so many of you for your sweet comments checking on my welfare. I haven't even been close enough to my computer to check in... but every once in a while I did, and was very encouraged to see your notes! (I've published them all in the comments of the last post.)

It is nice to be missed.
Speaking of which, my friend Erin Ann did some stat checking and has informed me that A LOT of people having been stopping by Single Solitary Things in my absence. I don't mention that to brag... rather, it has made me realize that there are many people who must come here for solidarity, camaraderie and perhaps solace in our single lives.

I am astounded by this!
I do recognize it as a opportunity to be a voice, an advocate for those of us who await God's plan.
Maybe we want to be married. Maybe we're happily single. Maybe God is working on the men who He intends to become our husbands. Maybe He has other plans. Whatever the case, we are definitely a forgotten segment of society and if I can lend a voice that puts thoughts into words for adult single women... well, I will do my best. Perhaps this is my ministry.
I'm going to work on posting at least weekly. I hope you will all check back with me!

Now, I suppose I owe some sort of explanation to my absence:
For starters, I was managing the portrait studio during the holiday season, which peaked during November and December. I worked six days a week and was exhausted by the end of each day. I had so much housekeeping, bill paying and sleeping to do on my days off that I didn't even approach my computer for fear of losing hours of my one day off per week to the web that these Internets weave!

Then... as only can happen in the world of TRS, I got a call from an employer that I applied to last summer - finally offering me an interview! (maybe that's a sign the economy is recovering!) They also wanted a presentation, so my few spare hours were spent researching and polishing the presentation for a job I didn't get!!

THEN... I got a call out of the blue from a past employer... asking me to come back! How about them apples?! I went to meet with them and the first words out of the CEO's mouth were, "We have really come to appreciate you around here."
Let me tell you, after years of unemployment and underemployment... nothing sounds so sweet! It's work I enjoy, am great at, and really want to do so I'm pretty happy and fully employed for the first time in years.

THEN... just as I was ready to delve back into my blogging world - my Internet went down and it took me most of February to figure out the issue! I had three IT guys working on it!!

Now, I'm sure what you really want to know is - what's going on with McTwitchy?!!?!
Well, we had a couple of really lovely months leading up to his decision on the job offer in the Very Big City. He decided not to take the job. Which means he's staying here!
In the end we determined that he still has a lot to work out before he can really pursue a relationship. We had a wonderful discussion, and agreed that neither of us wanted to break up and never see one another again so we have decided to remain friends. I have a few of those, guys I've dated briefly, and retained as friends that I could never, ever do without. McTwitchy is in that category. He's a really good man.

So TRS is back on the dating scene... which should be great fodder for bloggy updates! My social life suffered while I was poor and unemployed... so you will also get updates on my efforts to be social again.

It's all.... This Season... on Single Solitary Things!!!

Can I Get an App for That?

2010-11-17T12:57:00.005-07:00

I was at the phone store today looking into an upgrade that I apparently should have installed in the first month that I owned my Smart Phone.

I figured it was time to bite the bullet, even if I have to lose some apps or reinstall them. The dude made heroic efforts to save my contacts before the upgrade so that I wouldn't lose all 230 people in my phone book - because, believe me, there is no way I would remember ANY of those numbers.

Finally, Dude announced that he had saved my contacts, but I would lose my text message history.

Lose my texts? My gut lurched. "Don't do it!"
Dude looked at me, quizzically. I glanced to the woman standing over my shoulder and said, "I have all these sweet texts from my guy. I'm not ready to part with them!"
She chuckled.
I reconsidered. Is this just another symptom of my pack rat mentality? That I'm not able to let go of things?

The woman and I reached the same conclusion at the same time. "That's all we have," she said, "It's not like we get letters any more."
I agreed. "It's certainly not like Pride & Prejudice, where I might have of stack of sweet nothings tied with pretty ribbon. They're in my phone!"Dude said I'll have to wait until I print out my text thread. Can you do that? I demanded. No.
So now we wait until technology allows us to print out our text history. (are we sure we can't? - is it only on fictional Law & Order that text histories are admissible in court?)

So whoever has the tech ability to do so... please develop an app for modern day women to preserve their love letters! You can call the it the Pride & Prejudice App.

Big Time

2010-11-14T21:35:00.004-07:00

My friends are looking at me differently these days. They haven't seen me this happy in a while!

The other night at a little cocktail party - someone asked me about this guy she'd heard about. I filled her in on McTwitchy, all the while feeling that now familiar gigantic smile spread across my face! She couldn't help but notice... and asked, "Have you ever felt this way before?" I thought hard about my answer. I've felt giddy before. I've felt the twitterpaiting feelings of love before. Finally, my reply, "Not like this."

There's a new song playing these days:

and it makes me feel like a giddy, silly teenager thinking every word is about me... but I can honestly envision McTwitchy saying each word of each lyric to me. Even if he didn't - he still makes me feel that way. He makes me feel that beautiful.

He has already said most of it. That there is nothing about my looks that he would change. That he thinks I'm amazing. He appreciates my honesty, my support, who I am. And I him.

I'm just so happy with him in my life!

Prayers please, as he is headed to The Very Big City this week. It's time for The Big Decision. I pray that he makes a choice that is right for him, a decision that gives him peace as he's been living under a lot of stress lately.

Expecting Rain

2010-10-29T13:08:00.005-06:00

My priest recently told the story of a pastor of a rural church – in an agricultural community that relies on the earth and abundance for it’s economy.

They were suffering from severe drought – so one Sunday the pastor told his church that everyone should gather everyone they know, and come to church the following Tuesday, when they would all come together to pray for rain. Surely, if the entire community came together, God would answer their prayers.

Tuesday came, and the turn out was incredible. Everyone was there. The most amazing gathering ever. The crowd murmured, impressed with themselves.

But the pastor nearly felt defeated. He hung his head in his hands and said… “Oh, that we don’t all have the faith of our dear sister Alba!!”

The entire crowd turned to look at Miss Alba… the only person who bothered to bring an umbrella.

Personally, I have boiled the story down to remind myself… "If you’re going to pray for rain, have enough faith to carry an umbrella."

My personal umbrella carrying is the mere fact that I am still dating!
I must believe that God has the ideal husband for me out there - or I would have
stopped dating years ago!

I shared that story a couple of weeks ago with McTwitchy - in reference to the great decision he has to make regarding the new job or keeping his business here.
I suggested that he determine what his Best Case Scenario is... then pray for that. But pray with the faith that God WILL make it happen.

Like me, McTwitchy is a bit rusty in his prayer life - so my suggestion is a real leap of faith for him. I don't know if he is praying or not - but I am.

Last week, McTwitchy called with news of a client meeting that left him speechless. This client who has not had work for him in a long while suddenly promises lots of business coming up! They need him! McTwitchy could barely register the information.

I found myself smiling from ear to ear as I recognized this as an obvious answer to prayer. I thought, "You can stay!" I also thought, "It's going to rain! I've got my umbrella!"

Still no definitive word on which way McTwitchy's decision will go.
We are truly enjoying this time together and I pray that whatever his decision - eventually he will decide he wants me at his side! I am crazy about this man. I am learning so much about him, it's like opening a different special gift every time I see him!

Forgiveness

2010-10-16T23:35:00.004-06:00

My attempts at seeking spiritual guidance have been less than fruitful.
A few years ago, I met with my parish priest to discuss forgiveness. You see, 25 years ago this month, my older sister was brutally murdered. Then 4 years ago the parole board let her murderer out of prison.

So I've been dealing with the concept of forgiving this man. It's a big job. Believe me. The only reason I can even consider it, is that I think my sister knew she would live a short life. When I think about her spirit, I'm sure she accepted her death. I can't tell you how I came to believe this but it does give me peace.

When I talked to my priest, he told me he thought that there are some things that are unforgivable - and this is probably one of them.

I don't like his answer. After all, God forgives all of us. Was he saying that even God wouldn't forgive my sister's murderer? I don't believe that is what the bible says. I mean, isn't that what the cross was all about?

McTwitchy and I were talking about this. He says he agrees with the priest - and that he can't imagine a heaven in which murderers, child-rapists and the like are in the same place as the rest of us.

Hmmm.
I see his point.
But I explained that I think we, mortal humans cannot comprehend the magnitude of God's grace. We won't possibly understand it until we see salvation.

We talked some more, McTwitchy asserting that even the greatest forgiveness couldn't possibly justify such deeds. Even God couldn't forgive the Jeffrey Dahmer's of the world.

That idea made me uncomfortable. I started to think, "I hope He does." I hope God's grace and forgiveness IS that big. Because if not... if God doesn't absolve the most atrocious sins... then my 'small' sins don't deserve forgiveness either.

I'm not saying that I can begin to imagine how big this grace, forgiveness and majesty is... but I think I do believe that it is big enough to forgive even the truly horrendous.

Do you?

McUpdate

2010-10-12T11:26:00.002-06:00

Quick update.
We are making a valiant effort to see each other as much as we can - an the frequency of our visits has really jumped.

I am careful not to press him about his decision, as he doesn't need more pressure. I try to be very supportive of all the steps he is taking. He has noticed, and appreciates it. The other night when I made an off hand comment about not wanting to be a nag... (I'm very committed to never being a nag!) there was alarm in his voice when he said, "You could never be a nag. I can't even imagine it. You are so supportive."

I think he really is crazy about me... and I've had moments of thinking that I might be falling in love with him. But the complications could overwhelm all of that - and that is what I am afraid of.

I'm really working on leaving this in God's capable hands.

Pressure Cooker

2010-09-28T12:29:00.003-06:00

Turns out it does upset me.
Waiting so long between calls and visits that is.

My patience was wearing thin with just one phone call from McTwitchy while he was away this last time. Then when his flight was changed and he came back into town a day later and didn't contact me for almost an entire week - I was hurt and livid.

I'm prepared to write him off. This relationship is over.

I was ashamed of myself for calling and leaving a voicemail asking what was going on... referring to an email from him that seemed more appropriate for his Aunt Betty, than for a woman he's supposed to be dating. Seriously kicking myself. That wasn't cool.

When we finally talked, what he revealed - redeemed him in my eyes. And it turns out, leaving that voicemail was exactly what I needed to do. Totally the right thing.

See, I've been waiting with as much anticipation as he... to learn what the company behind his Big City Freelance Job was going to offer him. Now he had the answer, but wasn't sure how or what to tell me - so he simply kept putting it off. (his words)

Bottom line, he has a very good offer to work in the The Big City and a month to decide.

Talk about a pressure cooker! This isn't just about a job offer. This means shutting down the business he started and has run for the past 15 years. This means deciding between two very different lifestyles - Denver or the Very Big City. And finally, it does have something to do with me.

Already redeemed by having told me that he didn't know how to approach the subject with me... he told me he still wants to date me - with the risk of being the guy who strings me along just to move to The Very Big City.
I say, we owe it to ourselves to see what we really have here.

Here are the factors: We haven't been dating very long. We have not seen each other much in the time we have been dating. We are both over 40, which means 1) a level of maturity in knowing what we want 2) there's no sense ending something with potential even if we have half of this continent between us. But then again, it also means 3) I can't waste more time with something that isn't going to go anywhere.

Pressure Cooker.

Domesticated

2010-09-10T11:34:00.006-06:00

Homemade pizza with spinach, peppers, artichoke, olives and white sauce.
Pork loin medallions with rice, pineapple and green peppers.
Then pork chops with a fresh squash and zucchini pasta.

These are the dinners I have made for McTwitchy on the rare occasions he is back home from his Big City Freelance Job. I don't even care if he's lying when he makes delighted eating noises and says, "This is fantastic hon." or even "Don't take this the wrong way, but you can cook for me any time!"

He likes my cooking. I like my cooking.

All my friends tease me because I never cook - but it's just because I don't care for the work. Or waiting to eat for that matter.
I hate the idea of waiting 45 minutes to an hour for food to cook when I'm hungry NOW! Therefore I typically eat way too much frozen food.

In making these meals I've found myself thinking... This isn't hard. Why don't I cook more often? McTwitchy understands me so well, because he thinks the same way. He told me he understands why... because cooking just dirties dishes. It's not as satisfying to go through the trouble for just yourself.

But cooking and sharing these meals with him has been great. Because he is there to eat at least one portion... I still have the advantage of leftovers - but not the disadvantage of having to eat the same thing four days in a row! (I hate that!)

My friend's husband says this is the 'Bait and Switch' segment of courtship! I laughed, but defended myself saying, "I've always said I would cook if I had someone to cook for. And if I didn't have to do dishes. Right now I have that!"

McTwitchy is both. Someone to cook for - and the one who does dishes, cheerfully! If that continues to be our deal... I cook, he washes... I don't see a problem getting tired of that.

Attention!

2010-08-23T22:00:00.005-06:00

I readily admit that I require attention.
Come on, I was the youngest child of three - obviously I never got enough attention to begin with!

I recognize that need for attention can be overwhelming for a man - and in dating, it's something I try to work on. I'm certainly not an attention wh*r#, but I do like to know that I'm on someones mind. A glance at my mobile phone showing no texts or missed calls can make me pout a bit.

So it's really interesting to realize that while McTwitchy is out of town (across the country - and going into week three now) I can text him and wait two to three days for a response... and it doesn't upset me.
Sure, my lower lip might stick out, but since he can't see that - it's okay... and overall I'm not upset about it. He's freelancing for a new company and the work is very hands on, so I understand. I also understand that his personality is similar to mine, in that when he is submerged in something he puts all distractions away - he won't even look at his phone until he has at least two hours to deal with it.

This may not sound like much - until I realized that this is new to me.

I am really frustrated with comparing so much with McTwitchy to that with Mr. Burns... but when you've given three years of your life to someone - their behavior can stick with you a while.
Besides, these comparisons always put McTwitchy ahead - and I've learned that Mr. Burns makes me appreciate McTwitchy all the more.

With Mr. Burns, I had a bit of anxiety about hearing from him even though he called frequently. If he was out of town we probably talked twice a day.

Seeing that I'm okay with McTwitchy taking two days to respond to a text has taught me that the difference is... I don't have anxiety over how McTwitchy feels about me. I am secure about that - even though we have not 'declared' anything about our relationship. When I do hear from him, it's something sweet or reassuring. I really feel that he's thinking about me.

Conversely, I never felt secure about how Mr. Burns felt about me. I was always looking for confirmation of our relationship. Burns withheld terms like, "I miss you." or even uttering the word 'Love' whether it was directed toward me or not.
Once, while I was driving him to the airport he told me not to be upset if he didn't call me while he was gone. Needless to say that didn't sit well with me. I told him I wouldn't be upset, I would just know that he wasn't thinking about me - and draw my conclusions from that!

When McTwitchy texted me the anticipated schedule for his return, he wrote that he needed some "____ love" which would have to wait another week. (don't worry - nothing dirty - just not worth typing without including a lengthy explanation) It wasn't until Kikr pointed out to me that he'd used the word 'love' nonchalantly - thereby distancing himself in leaps and bounds from Mr. B, that I even noticed!

The difference really is that McTwitchy is comfortable in his own skin. He has no pretenses... he's just himself... which is just like me. And he's a grownup.
And I LOVE that!

Love and Loving

2010-08-19T16:40:00.004-06:00

Many years ago - before the emergence of Facebook and Blogs - I participated in an online forum for those in the media industry.
It was where we went to vent about crazy viewers, reluctant sources and grouchy assignment editors to name a few topics.

Sometimes the conversations got personal. Because it was a place where you could gather many opinions from a variety of people - some folks would toss out a relationship issue or two just to see what other people thought, for validation or discernment.

Let me tell you, I was amazed at what I learned. Men were very forthright about what they thought and what they expected. Sometimes it was shocking, from the "Gee, and I thought I dated @-holes." point of view.

These years later, one exchange still sits with me. Somewhere in the thread someone offered, "If he doesn't love you the way you need to be loved, you're going to have to move on."
A young man piped in, saying, "That doesn't seem right. What if I love someone as much as I am capable of at the moment and it's not enough for her? Does that mean I don't love her? I do. She should just give up on me?"

I don't remember how it went after that. But I think about it every now and then.

Today, I think I have the answer.

See, a friend pointed out that McTwitchy speaks my Love Language. Even more so, it looks like our love languages may be the same, maybe even the same dialect! In the case of Words of Affirmation, it meant a lot to me that he told me he missed me. Truthfully, it sent me over the moon!

I recognize too that it means a lot to me, because I never heard those words, not ONCE from Mr. Burns over three years. Okay, maybe once or twice - but come on!

So that got me thinking about all the effort that I put into that relationship with Mr. Burns - and how it's so clear now that it was never meant to be. I realize now that he couldn't tell me he missed me - because he didn't. He couldn't tell me he loved me - because he didn't. Imagine his frustration when I was more-or-less demanding these things from him and he couldn't even understand those emotions!!?

But you know what - he maybe did love me. Just not how I need to be loved.

I need to be accepted. I need to be cherished. With ease.
Instead, I was told how he wanted me to be (and I'm sure I did the same to him.)

- On an airplane, he wanted me to read the Bible instead of a fitness magazine. I'm obviously not opposed to reading the Bible, but on an airplane I want recreational reading. I felt he judged me for that.
- If I was cracking up over a stupid joke, he just looked at me as if he were embarrassed - of me and for me! I want someone who just loves the fact that I'm laughing.

I asked Mr. Burns to read the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. He did, and it seemed as though he got it. Although when we discussed it, he tried to tell me that my love languages were not what I thought they were. Ladies... there's your sign!

The bottom line, I think - is that someone may love you, but if it's not in the way you need to be loved, you are going to be disappointed. Maybe even miserable.
It doesn't mean that their love isn't valuable or meaningful. It just means that it's not for you.

It's sad. It's heartbreaking.
But you deserve the love of your life.

I deserve someone who loves to hear me laugh, no matter what I'm laughing at. I deserve someone who lets the little things roll off their back. Someone who accepts my explanation for why or how without having to nitpick it to death or demand that we agree on it.

So far, McTwitchy offers me that. The relationship is easy, and comfortable. I understand he may not end up being The One - but he sure is good practice!

We laugh at the same things. He doesn't shy away from my hugs (Mr. B would shrug me off if I clung too long ~ There's another sign ladies!!!) He constantly alludes to my good looks and good figure - and I don't even care if he's making it up!! (Which is a welcome change from someone who kept telling me what to improve.)

It all points to a person who maybe loves me the way I need to be loved. He sure is liking me the right way.

They Get Me Every Time!

2010-08-16T14:25:00.005-06:00

Amazon.com that is.

I go there to order something that I can't find here... and they suck me in with their Supersaver Shipping!
Orders over $30 can qualify for free shipping - so I'll easily spend an extra $5-$10 to save $5 in shipping. Who wouldn't? Kikr and I both get sucked into this one.

So today, I went to Amazon to find refill razor blades that I suspect have been discontinued just to make my life more difficult. I have two (COUNT THEM, 2!) Schick Silk Effects razors... but now their refill blades seem to be discontinued and replaced with Intuition - whose blades don't fit the Silk Effects. Well, considering that I am broke... I'm not about to buy a whole new shaving system. Plus, I've always been happy with Silk Effects. Plus, plus... what am I gonna do - just toss two razors into the landfill for no good reason?

Off to Amazon I go to get a supply of 20 blades which should last me a while. That's $22. Plus $5 shipping. If I spend $8 on something else, it ships for free and I would rather my money go toward something useful rather than to pay just to get it here. Also, they're going to put this tiny package of razors in a box at least twice it's size... let's make it worth the trouble!

I troll around, knowing I don't really need anything nor should I buy anything... so I decide on a copy of Selah's Christmas CD, titled Rose of Bethlehem. I already have it. It is my favorite Christmas CD EVER - because it's about GUESS WHAT - CHRIST!
I figure I'll want to give it as a gift to someone this Christmas so I may as well get it now!

And that is how I started my Christmas shopping in August this year!

What does Supersaver Shipping suck you into buying?

What I Don't Want to Be

2010-08-12T22:13:00.004-06:00

I have seen a potential future... and it has scared me.

or scarred me. Yikes.

I admit that I don't get out enough. Another under-employed friend of mine suffers the same problem. It's hard to go out because you know you'll buy a drink, or even just a soda, maybe an appetizer - all at an inflated price - so it's easier to just stay home and not spend money.

The other night we decided to get out met real live people. A certain establishment in Denver sponsors a free concert each week during the summer so we went there.
This establishment is also known for being the number one Cougar hang-out in the city. Let me tell you, this place was Cougar-ville. And Cougar-ville doesn't look anything like Courtney Cox!
My friend and I arrived at the patio - concert atmosphere and she noted that for once in the past year, she felt really young!

I looked around and all I saw was OLD.
I hate saying that because old does not equal BAD. Allow me to explain by sharing my thought process.

I looked around and saw all these older men. Some of them looked pretty good. Most of them did not. I wish it were not true but I am just not attracted to older men.

Though I will admit that in my 20s I found actor Craig T. Nelson extremely attractive - but let's face it... back then he was about the age I am now!
But more concerning to me, were the cougars themselves. Decked out in outfits meant for someone 20 years younger - obvious make-up plastered on their tight-post-plastic surgery faces... and still prowling for a man.

My mind flashed to myself in 7 to 10 more years. I pitied these women.
The same as I pity the paunchy 60-year-old divorced men out there still prowling for a mate.

I don't want to become that.

Sure - their single status may be the result of a divorce, or even an untimely death - but I find it so sad when these old coots are still out pursuing women... especially if they are cruising woman 20 years their junior.

Oh my, I sound so judgmental!!! And I don't want to be!

But most of all, I don't want to be a lonely old woman still searching for love after my crow's feet are deeper and my butt is even flatter.

Honestly, I can't afford the plastic surgery it would require to enhance my boobs and tweak my face... and I wouldn't want to invest in that anyway.

I'm 40 and I need to find my love now!

(what great relief to hear from McTwitchy the next day ... who is out of town and messaged that he misses me! Whew.)

Bad Timing and Great People

2010-08-09T10:45:00.004-06:00

I've been turning something over and over in my head.

It's part of a conversation I had with McTwitchy - we were talking about timing - and how we're both in tough places career-wise. He questioned the wisdom of starting a relationship right now. I understand what he is saying.

My response asserted that when you find someone that you can really connect with, you have to see how it goes. I mean, why be alone your entire life just because of bad timing?

He said, "Yes, but there are a lot of great people out there." Suggesting that you don't get just one shot.

This astounded me. I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying, "No there are not!!"
Where are all these great people he's talking about? Is he saying that I'm not that special? I was completely bewildered. What IS he talking about?

Finally it occurred to me: OH! HE'S NOT DATING MEN. HE'S DATING WOMEN! He has a completely different perspective!
From where he stands there are a lot of really great people out there. Plus, he can date anyone 5 years older than him to 20 years younger. His pool is deep and wide.
And in general - just nicer people.

From where I stand... not so much! Sure, I can date the same age range - but I don't want to!
20 years younger than me is younger than my nephew! Yuck!
5 years older than me is - well old. And divorced. And paunchy, old, womanizer-type men. Not to mention the young womanizer-type men.

Oh, the inequity!

What Got Me Here

2010-08-02T12:26:00.006-06:00

A friend of mine is dating a new guy - they had three dates in three days, complete twitterpation, with no plans to slow down.
A few days later I text-ed her a smirky inquiry, "How's the guy?" Her response, "Meh."

So when I saw her this weekend, I got the lowdown. He seems insecure and moody.
Red flag.

Suddenly, I feel like I know everything.
"I've dated insecure and moody. It doesn't go well. If you want to give it more time, go ahead - but be prepared to end it."

We talked some more, and I asked if she was walking on eggshells around him. Yes.
Oh dear. It's not going to get better.

I'm afraid that smug, "I'm in a great relationship." attitude is about to take over and I'm a bit shocked by it.
I know now that we all want to be with someone where you never have to edit your thoughts and words. With whom you can just be. Comfortable.
I told her that with McTwitchy, there are no eggshells. We each can say anything we're thinking and it is accepted. Even if it's not agreed upon. (I had that with one other guy - and would have waited my entire life to find it again. It wasn't Mr. Burns btw!)

I made dinner Thursday night for McTwitchy and me. I had just barely cleared the table when he started the dishes - CHEERFULLY!
What a difference! I hate comparing him to Mr. Burns but - Mr. B would have done the dishes while making a big fuss over how great he was for doing so.

I told another friend about a scenario in which McTwitchy was not only a good sport, but calm and cool and practical. All the while, showing me concern and affection.
When the comparison to Mr. Burns came up she said, "Mr. Burns prepared you for McTwitchy."

Oh my! Did he!
My instant response, "Yes! So that I could appreciate McTwitchy all the more."

He's sweet, and calm. Affectionate and kind. Thoughtful if not a little scattered. (that's okay) He's stressed and vulnerable but man enough to share his worries with me, knowing that I'm not judging him.
He's funny and thinks I'm funny too. He thinks I'm beautiful. He thinks I'm wonderful. He thinks I look like a model!! Ha!
He is himself with me, and I with him. I really like who he is.

And as I'm about to enter Smug Relationship Mode - I am bolstered by the song I discovered only a couple years ago when I first discovered the group Selah. This song became my inspiration to carry on with finding love.

Bless the Broken Road

The specific lines:
Every long lost dream
Led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart
They were just Northern Stars
Pointing me on my way
Into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
and led me straight to you

The above link will take you to Grooveshark.com to listen to the song. Be patient and sit through the opening page - you don't have to sign up for anything!!

Buble

2010-07-22T18:41:00.004-06:00

I'm sure most people are sick of it... but just after my final break-up with Mr. B - that Michael Buble song was just released.

I loved the catchy tune and the hopeful message that someone is just around around the corner - I Just Haven't Met You Yet. World's cutest video too BTW.

It was good for me. (Just like after the first break-up, Beyonce helped me out with Single Ladies!!)

I met McTwitchy pretty quickly after I was suddenly single and I was very surprised at how much I liked him. I even told him that I hadn't expected to like him. That of course was very confusing to him. Some things are better left unsaid!

As a girl, I sometimes look for meaning in things that really have no connection to anything. Can you relate? So, when every time I thought about McTwitchy - the Buble song came on (despite the reality that it was just horrendously over-played) I wondered if it meant that I had met the guy... or maybe he's NOT the guy for me and I haven't met him yet?!

Oh my. What's a girl to do?
I decided it didn't mean anything. After all the song is in heavy rotation to the point of ridiculous. I even said a prayer telling God that if He's trying to give me any signs... please don't do it through that song! I'm too confused.

Then McTwitchy and I went our separate ways ( decided maybe that was God's sign!) and I decided I still liked the song.
Finally, it decreased in rotation. I only heard it about once a day instead of seven!

So I thought it was funny when I went out with McTwitchy after two months separation... and a couple hours into our date, I Just Haven't Met You Yet suddenly blared over the Pub speakers. It was my turn to talk - and I couldn't even concentrate because each lyric just rolled around in my head!
It brought a huge smile to my face, which brought a smile to McTwitchy's face even though he didn't know why.

I'm not assigning any meaning to it.
I just thought it was cute.

Chances

2010-07-19T18:08:00.003-06:00

Everyone deserves a second chance.
A very rare few deserve a third.

It's not the first time this has happened.
Not the first time that I've dated a guy and it ends, only to have the guy turn up later... usually within a month or two, asking to try again.

I actually counted on my fingers (because I am mathematically challenged) ... five times in the past 17 years of dating. (I'm not counting all of my years of dating - because I'm starting with the first time it happened)

First when I was about 23 or 24. It wasn't that we didn't like each other. It was more that we liked each other plenty and it was difficult to remain chaste. The nice Christian guy told me that he realized he didn't know what he had until I was gone.
I was young and inexperienced at dating... and I couldn't get passed the idea that I had just spent a month or so conditioning myself not to like him. He didn't get a second chance. (My mom scolded me for that one.)

The next time I was 30. It was The Caveman (whose nick name comes from his outdoorsy, hunting nature and desire for solitude -NOT- any particular political ideas.). He was obviously a country mouse and I am a city mouse. He offered to change. I told him he shouldn't have to change. He should find someone who loves all those things about him. I'm quite certain he did.

Then came John-with-two-dogs. Our relationship never really got off the ground to begin with. He loved golf and his two dogs more than any woman. His call really did come from out of the blue. Could he try again? By this time I thought perhaps I made hasty decisions with the first two guys that asked for a second chance -- so John-with-two-dogs got a second chance. It ended awkwardly.

Then of course Mr. Burns.

Now McTwitchy.

So I wonder... does this suggest that I'm a good catch, a fun girl, who is hard to appreciate the first time around? Or does it suggest that I'm difficult to begin with? That I'm simply unforgettable?
Who knows!?

I could learn from those past experiences and I believe I have.
I could worry that it won't work with McTwitchy. But I have confidence in this one.

McTwitchy tells me he knew he couldn't spend the sort of time with me that I indicated I would like. He was going to be traveling frequently for one aspect of his work.
In his words, "I can't date her if I'm not even going to be here."

Now that I know how much he actually was gone - he was right. I may have been very frustrated. I probably would have gotten fed up and given up on him.

So maybe it's good that we got the break.
It was enough for him to know that he really did miss me. That he really does like me.
And it was good for me to see that I actually like him for being McTwitchy ... and not just because he was a nice, Catholic guy whom I found attractive - immediately after the Mr. Burns Breakup Part II.

Now we both know and appreciate how comfortable our little relationship is.
I knew it in May. He figured it out in July.

The BIG question is how this time/availability issue is going to work out.
I'm smart enough to know I can't expect him to change.
But being secure about how he feels about me - I can have more patience - and he can have more confidence.

We shall see!

Dear Pablo,

2010-07-14T16:15:00.004-06:00

End of discussion.

Homosexuality may be a sin. But the bottom line is, God still doesn't hate gay people. No way. No how.

If you can't get used to the idea - you'd better get used to the heat. It will be very warm where you're going.

Something Special

2010-07-13T03:40:00.006-06:00

So it was nearly out of the blue.
As I sat in my parents living room, enjoying the wonder of satellite TV, after Mom and Dad both were gone to bed - modern technology brought me a greeting from someone in my past.

Text: How was my holiday weekend thus far?
I wondered why he chose just then to check in on me. I explained that I had rushed home for a family funeral, and that the big holiday would be spent in the car driving across a state and a half to return.

We exchanged a few more kind and welcome messages. He explained that he had left me a voice mail. Due to the rural nature of my parent's locale, somehow I was getting texts but not phone service. Hmm? I explained that I'd have to check it when service improved.

The next day, I packed up the car and set off for home.
Now my consciousness was flecked with thoughts of this charming man - wondering why he was contacting me and what it might mean. Telling myself it's probably nothing. He's just kind and friendly.

Finally, the voice mail came through - he explained that he was at holiday BBQ and encountered someone who looked so much like me that he felt compelled to reach out to me while still at that party!
Wait. That's interesting.
More wandering thoughts. Efforts to keep such thoughts in check.
No TRS, you are probably destined to be alone. Don't let yourself desire anything. You could just get hurt again.

I thought of my friends who are currently planning their wedding.
How my friend's fiancee once leaned over to share his thoughts with me as she worked in the kitchen one day. He whispered to me, "Isn't she fantastic?"
She was just getting utensils out of a drawer and he was overwhelmed by God's creation of her, and his appreciation of all she has to offer him. Her heart, her soul, her mind and yeah, probably her body too!
Isn't that want we all want? The one man who thinks you are the most amazing creature God created? Who feels so lucky to call you his own.
One of those things that feels impossible. But then you see it in others - so it must be.

Once I was home, he contacted me with some urgency - saying he'd really like to see me before he leaves town for a few weeks - but would understand if I didn't want to.

Of course I wanted to see McTwitchy!
Of course I also had some trepidation. I remembered a conversation we had months ago about him meeting a previous ex for dinner - and it didn't amount to anything, just friends.
Is that all he is up to?
Did he just want to be friends? He could be that guy, but I doubt it.

My thoughts were peppered with cautions. See him but keep your guard up. Hear him out. What could he possibly have to say? Don't even think about kissing him.

We agreed he could pick me up and we'd go get a drink.
I stood outside waiting for him because I wasn't going to let him inside.
He parked his car - which I thought was odd since I was already in the street - he didn't have to park.

His tall, thin frame stepped out of the car and enveloped me. He was draped over me. Wrapping me up as though his body were a quilt. I nearly disappeared.

Once we were at our table, he acknowledged that hearing from him must have seemed as if out of the blue - and that he feared I would have no interest in seeing him.

I said, "No, I wasn't that surprised. I knew I'd hear from you again."
He smiled. "You did?"
"Yes. I thought, he's going to figure out that was a dumb move."

As we talked, the guard I had carefully constructed crumbled down. Within minutes, we were both in comfortable territory.

I remembered how much I like him. But I sat across from him, still wondering what this meeting was all about. I wanted to ask him about his intentions but I couldn't offer such a cliche.

He explained that he had been thinking about me often, then when he saw this woman who resembled me - he knew it was a sign - even if I rejected him outright, he had to get in touch with me. He had to know.
"So she looked just like me?"
"Oh yeah. She was HOT!" he said in a way only he can get away with, assuredly giving me the compliment.

I won't go into excruciating detail - but he missed me. So very much. So convincingly. I am confident of that.
He shared some vulnerability. I was awed.
And I felt - as we talked, as we sat just looking at one another - that the affection I feel for him is returned, at least in kind. Maybe more. Always was.

Is that what it feels like? Is that what the thought, "Isn't she fantastic?" feels like when it is aimed at you and you alone?

I think I know.

We haven't determined if we are going to officially see each other again. But the door is open, and I'm tempted to kick it off it's hinges!

A Bright Shining Example

2010-07-10T12:03:00.004-06:00

This recent hiatus was brought to you by the death of a dear family member.

We lost my dear, sweet uncle last week.
He and my aunt were married for 54 years and had seven children. They were still very much in love and did everything together - right down to the grocery shopping!

It was a blessing that he died suddenly and without warning.

They were the sort of couple most of us hope to become. Always smiling. Always happy to see you. They prayed the rosary together every single day of their marriage - never missed Mass. They turned to God to teach them how to love, and hoo boy did they reflect God's love!!!

I told my aunt how I was so happy that she had nearly 55 years with the love of her life, and how I wished I could find a love so sweet and solid. That if I got married tomorrow I could only hope for 50 beautiful years together!

In her adorable way she told me, "Well, I keep waiting for an invitation!"
She believes I'll find it. She has hope because she's been there. She's seen love and felt love. She wants that for me.

This all caused me to reflect... that it just seems so impossible.
Thinking about their 50 years together and the 40 years I've spent on this earth alone... well I'm just exhausted. Seriously exhausted.

I have wanted a partner, a teammate for so long.
My existence is less fulfilling to me (to ME! - not saying this is true for all singles) because I have no one to do my best for. To do for. (and yes, once things settle down in my world - on the job front and other craziness , I plan to seek a good volunteer opportunity. I've not had the energy to do that lately.)

I cried on the shoulder of another of my many cousins. All my cousins are married. Their children are married even. While it was good to be around them, it was also hard because I felt so left behind.
So very left behind.
I was a mess.

Now I'm not saying that I only thought of myself during the time meant to mourn my uncle. It's just that when one life ends - you think about how to live your own life best. And I just can't figure it out.

I spent the rest of the week with my parents. Dad suggested that once he's gone, if I'm not married I can just move back and take care of mom. Which I am happy to do of course... but it was a knife in my gut thinking that my dad doesn't expect me to have a life of my own. Ouch.
That I can just leave everything and everyone that I have built around me - as if it doesn't matter.

I stewed in that for a while. That bitter stew.
I was not looking forward to the 10 hour drive back to my world that doesn't matter.

But something lifted me out.
A glimmer of hope. A glimmer that I thought I might be foolish to allow to light the path. It's probably just a whim. Don't trust it. Don't get excited. Proceed with caution...

but I am excited.

more on that later...

Red Flags - SST At Your Service

2010-06-28T19:35:00.005-06:00

Ladies. It's time for some words of wisdom - take it or leave it - from the wise old lady here. (that would be me)
Now, I recognize that my wisdom is limited in that I've been dating a long time and still haven't found my best friend and lover... but the years have taught when to invest my time and energy and when to just cut bait.

Most of today's advice centers on what to avoid in online dating pursuits. Perhaps I'll share my own 'He's just not into you' rules for traditional dating, another time.

So here goes. Single Solitary Advice for online 'dating'. ( if there are any men peeking in - there's a thing or two to learn here for you too!)

Let's start with the profiles.
Just like the advice for poison ivy- leaves of three, let it be... if these three things are present, don't even engage him!

1. His photos obscure his face, either in shadows, by distance or with something sporty like ski goggles, motorcycle helmets etc. ~ this is a sure sign that he's not available. He's cheating on someone and is hoping not to be identified.

2. His only photo is a shot of his well-carved chest and abdominal muscles. Yes, they're nice - rock hard - and we do appreciate them. ~He's telling you this is all he has to offer - or - all he's willing to offer. He's just looking for someone who thinks he's hot and will get on her back in short order.

3. All of his pictures are self-portraits, taken in either the bathroom mirror or a mirror of some sort. This indicates two things. A) he's not really taking online dating seriously enough to make an effort. He's not going to put forth effort with you either. B) He may not have any friends... he hasn't been to a wedding or any social event in more than 2 years?! How else do you explain having NO photos of yourself taken by someone else? He can't even ask a neighbor kid to take his picture in the yard? If he has his shirt off in these self-portraits... run -don't walk- away.

Now, some may argue that these are all circumstantial. And that could be true. Use your own judgment on one or two of these red flags. But trust me, if all three are present - you don't want to go there.

Next up, red flag behaviors.
You've gotten to know one another on the dating site and now it's time to meet. You exchange phone numbers and it's time to make a plan...

1. If he only texts and never actually calls you. AND you get a yuck feeling from his choice of words and abbreviations. For example, one guy in his texts addressed me as QT. An abbreviation for cutie to be sure... but ... um ...NO! I am not 15 years old. That's just icky. Plus, my profile indicates that I'm a journalist... know your audience!!

2. He's asking you to come to his area of town for a first meeting/date... rather than coming to you. Say... NO! You are worth the trip and if he's serious about dating he needs to make this effort. At the very least, he should agree to meet at a mid-point. The red flag is ... if he's asking you to come to him... he's trying to get you home. If you decide to go anyway, make sure you never lose sight of your drink. Befriend the bartender.

3. If after numerous texts and/ or phone calls, he still hasn't established WHERE to meet at least 12 hours in advance of the date... you NO go. Again, if he's serious about dating, and he's a gentleman - he's not going to let this happen. You are a prize. You are a busy woman. You deserve firm, well-thought out plans even if you have to make them yourself. If he's still up in the air with less than 12 hours on the clock - he's not worth it.

These tips are not all inclusive. But based on experience - you can't go wrong by following this advice. You may think it's unfair to knock someone out of the running on one or two of these behaviors... but if you overlook them ... do a favor and let me know how it turns out.

My gut is well-educated. And here for your service.

Men, if you dispute my findings - I can respect that - but this is a learning experience. If you do any of these things... these are the conclusions women will draw. These are points on which you can easily accommodate us, rather than the other way around.

Sticking It Out

2010-06-25T22:50:00.002-06:00

When I started this blog, it was intended, in part, to be a place for me to record my dating stories. I was convinced that I could write a book about my misfortunes and occasional/ rare great dates. Many friends agreed.

Then I met someone, and it didn't seem right to focus on the past. As you know, that's over so here goes.

To date, I have shared memories about one favorite.
On my mind today, the one who actually wanted to marry me - but my gut warned me that would be a heartbreaking move.

We shall refer to this man by his nickname acquired post-breakup. More on that another time.

Introducing, the Cave Man:

I met him one night when my friends insisted on going to a certain dance bar that I hated. I obliged them once a year. That night, as I hovered at the edge of the dance floor - he approached. Tall, thin, fair and with a goatee. Not my type, but dancing is better than purse patrol so I agreed.

He was nice. At the end of the night, I gave him my business card which identified me as a local news reporter. He responded properly, appropriately impressed but not too much so. Which impressed me.

We ended up dating regularly. He lived outside of the city, on a government land preserve. The house was one of the benefits of his job, he had to live on the land. (sort of a naturalist, think Game, Fish & Parks.) He was an outdoors man. He loved nature. I respected that, having grown up on a working ranch. He was a hunter too, like my dad - so I was okay with that too.

I, on the other hand, had been itching to leave the farmland from the age of five. I loved living in the city. From my apartment, I could see the lights from Downtown. At the time, they were constructing the tallest building in town, and I could see the lights from the cranes while lying in bed at night. It was good to feel a part of something bigger than myself.

Cave Man on the other hand loved solitude. He once told me that his ideal job position would be on the land preserve at Fish Springs, Utah (or Idaho - I don't remember) The greatest appeal to him, was that the property was 100 miles from getting your mail, and 200 miles from anything else. "Doesn't that sound great?"

"Actually, that sounds like hell to me."

One night as we smooched on my couch, he said, "If we lived in Fish Springs, this is all we would have to do for 9 months out of the year."

Well, that did sound nice. But still.

I met his parents. His mom loved me. She watched the news every night just to see me! His dad had recently had a stroke, which left the brilliant, witty man with too few words to express his thoughts.
The Cave Man treated them both with great respect, especially his dad, because he knew how frustrated he was in his limited capacity.

The Cave Man told me that just before we met, he learned that he had a brother and sister from his dad's first marriage. When I asked about them, he said, "You don't understand, they're not really my brother and sister. I just met them. They're from another life."

Over time, it came out that the brother had either Cerebral Palsy or Down Syndrome. The first wife was described as 'crazy'. Bi-polar I think.
Cave Man shared this as justification that it was too much for his dad to deal with. He had to leave. They got divorced and he met Cave Man's mom.
Happily ever after.

That didn't sit right with me.
Was Cave Man okay with the fact that his dad had abandoned his first family? To the point that CM didn't even know about them until he was nearly 30?

When I met his parents, I also met other relatives. The cousins he's known all his life. One of whom had Down Syndrome and was just starting to live on his own with limited success. Everyone treated him with great respect as well.

Here's something you don't know about me: In my 20s, every time I met a Downs child, I felt God nudge me, saying "If you have children TRS, you will have a child like this."

It didn't exactly worry me, but it didn't thrill me either. But I knew that I would not even have those tests during pregnancy that reveal any possible deformities or diseases. My husband and I would love any child God gave us.

So one night, I shared this feeling with CM. I only got as far as describing the nudge when he said, "But TRS, they can test for that before you have the baby."
Yes. And then?
He got the point that I would be against terminating a pregnancy, and headed off my objections by saying, "We couldn't raise a Down Syndrome child. I don't make enough money for that. I know because I know what my aunt and uncle have been through raising ___."

My heart was stuck in my throat. Here he was, potentially the carrier of the genes he would so easily reject.

Combined with the fact that he had no problem with his dad abandoning a family - I had no confidence that CM would stick around if things got tough.
That was the beginning of the end.

We ended up dating for about six months. He told me that he could definitely see us married... in about three years. (I always wondered why three years? If you knew you wanted to marry someone why would you put it off?)

I'm the one who initiated the break-up. That night, he asked if it was the conversation about my nudge that sealed it.

There were more indications that we weren't compatible for life. It may not be fair, but I assumed he wouldn't be reliable in that situation... and that was an indication that he might not be reliable in many other ways.

The one thing I do regret... is that I wasn't mature enough to really talk about it with him. I wish I'd had the guts to ask him if he was really okay with the way his dad left his first family.

But I think my gut was right.

P.S. I read this blog post tonight which reminded me of this experience. Serious food for thought.

Just One Day Older

2010-06-17T23:04:00.003-06:00

Hi Bloggy friends!

I'm writing this at the very end of my 40th birthday.
For all the dread... it was pretty great.
I had the entire day off. Slept in. Got a half hour massage. A nap. A pedicure. Spent a great deal of time working to make my hair pretty. It worked.

Then I met my girlfriends for dinner. Such a great group of women...friends gleaned from different areas of my life... all meld together into a pretty cohesive group.
And all with something obviously up their collective sleeves. I could sense it!

About a week ago I started to suspect that Kikr was going to fly in from San Francisco to surprise me. I didn't let on to anyone planning my birthday dinner... because I didn't want to ruin the fun of the surprise.
I knew I wouldn't be disappointed if she didn't make it... but SO very excited if she did.

See, a couple months ago Kikr had asked for the email addresses of my closest friends in Denver. I complied. She's pretty sneaky, but the only way to get that info was to just ask me for it!

Later, in phone conversations she mentioned the last names of some friends I was talking about, that she has not met. So I knew she was in cahoots.

When I was in the depths of grieving my 40th birthday (remember that? Glad I got through that early.) and bemoaning the fact that I wasn't going to get my wish of having all my girlfriends who are scattered throughout the country, together on my birthday - one of my Denver friends assured me that my birthday was going to be great. She gave me that knowing look.

So finally, last week I guessed that Kikr was going to fly in!
A few more conversations with her and it was clear she wasn't.
But of course I tucked that in the back of my mind and thought... "Well, that's the story for now. We'll see what happens."

Tonight, there was dinner... drinks... beautiful wonderful friends. And gifts! Oh... at this age that is awkward. I don't expect gifts, but I sure do love them.

My girls had ideas about the order the gifts should be opened. So funny.
There was lovely bath wash, a fantastic necklace that you all will have to pry off of me when I'm dead... gift cards, Bacon flavored Chocolate (because bacon is nature's candy) and then the gift that was saved for last.
This lovely box. A treasure chest.
The moment I saw it, I knew Kikr was behind it. I cried before I even opened the box!

Inside, she had had my Denver friends collect and print out little notes describing 40 things that everyone loves about me.

Would it be too indulgent to share? Yes? Oh well.

"Her welcoming and innocent smile."
"Her honest, friendly opinion when you need it."
"How she writes emails just like she talks."
"She is a kind soul."
"Dependable in times of crisis."
"A true friend."
"Her 'Fashion Intervention' emails."
"When she finds something funny, she laughs with all her soul and things "get loud"."

And so on.
Each sentiment had the name of the person who shared it on the back. I shall treasure it always.

I am so very blessed.
It is a wonder to think that I might actually deserve these amazing people in my life.
God's blessings outweigh all of the good we try to put into the world.
So very blessed!

I also got a sweet text from McTwitchy (I know!) and a card in the mail from Mr. Burns!

The Hope Chest

2010-06-15T11:59:00.003-06:00

When I was in college, one Christmas my parents presented both my sister-in-law and I with identical handmade cedar-lined hope chests.

Mom had asked a man in our church parish, known for his woodworking, to make them. I knew she was excited about them - it was the sort of thing she had always wanted.

I was still in college and so we agreed that my parents would keep my hope chest in my bedroom at home until I had enough space to have it in my own home.

Since then, I have moved several times. Always to a small apartment, with a small bedroom and no space for the chest that measures about 50 inches long.
My mom has been disappointed, as she really wanted me to have it.
She also senses that the style of the chest just really isn't my style. I don't really want it. I sort of had it in my mind that I would just hand it down to my oldest niece... so that she and her sister will have matching chests (the younger sister would get their mother's).

I also thought that when I had a house one day, it would go in the guest room to store my memories and treasures.

But I still don't have that house.

The point of a hope chest in my mother's day, was for a young woman to store the little lovelies she had collected to set up house with her intended. A place to keep the needlepoint she'd learned to stitch, the quilt she made with fabric scraps... maybe some flatware and silver ware. Then later to store her wedding gown so she could hand it down to her daughter.

It wasn't meant for a 40 year old woman to stuff full of things in case she one day finally gets married. In our day and age, that would be considered pathetic.

And over the 20 years from when a young lady is issued her hope chest, to when she realizes she'll never need it - her taste would change anyway! Those items were intended to be home starters... to be implemented within 5 years, assuming she didn't become an old maid.

This week, I've been thinking about my hope chest. How it ought to go straight to my niece now, because she is in that stage of life, starting out on her own.
Thinking about how it may never end up in my own home.

Then it occurred to me - that the man who made it - worked for hours planing and sanding wood, joining corners and screwing in hinges - who is long since deceased.... quite likely prayed over that project. He knew my parents. He watched me grow, Sunday after Sunday in Mass. Perhaps he prayed for a happy life, blessings of children and family - for warm blankets and abundant food for my family.

Like my parents, it never occurred to him that I would spend my life alone.

Still, I shall imagine him praying over the construction of that chest and know that no prayer - even those unanswered- is ever wasted.

Pretty is as Pretty Does

2010-06-06T23:32:00.006-06:00

Hello Bloggy Friends!
You all are so sweet. I hadn't realized it had been almost two weeks since checking in here.

There has been some epic crap going on in my life and I have been licking my wounds. I don't want to get into it all here - but seriously - EPIC.

But then this weekend, a few bright spots. Me, the girl who is a disaster at flirting has had some successful moments and really, that's all it takes to get the old confidence back.

After some disappointing efforts with online dating... the type of circumstances that make you want to just give up all together, there are some interesting prospects.

Even better, men emerge in real life. How about that?
A handsome man came into the studio for business portraits, and my adorable co-worker (who I just want to put in my pocket so as to have constant access to her wit) said, "TRS, do you want to take this one?"
Why yes. I do!

He started flirting at square one... and while that could be awkward, this flirtation was welcome. There was a mutual attraction, mutual flirtation - and dare I say mutual admiration. Now Adorable Co-Worker is trying to figure out how to give him my number when he comes back to pick up his CD!

Then as I was about to leave a party on Saturday night, the hostess introduced me to a friend of hers. Cute, fit and funny - when he told me he was a Chiropractor I had to resist the urge to announce... "Hey, I need to marry a Chiropractor so I can have daily adjustments!" (Seriously, my back is jacked up!) Instead, I engaged him in witty banter, up until the point he announced that he was a little buzzed on his beer - and I concurred due to the fact that he had just begun using profanities to woo me! I left without giving him my number.

Then tonight, I had a first time meeting with an online suitor. I wasn't terribly excited about him but agreed to meet him to speed up the elimination process. I actually came at it from the attitude of, "I'll give him a chance." which turned out to be further proof to follow my gut instincts.

Let's call him Vincent. (not his real name) Vincent texted me to say he wanted to take me out to dinner. I suggested Sunday night after work. Over the next 25 texts ... he proposed that I drive to his neighborhood (mistake #1) where there is indeed a wide selection of restaurants. But let's face it... if he's not going to travel to the woman's vicinity for the first date, it's a bad sign. Not very gentlemanly... then, he proceeded to suggest a number of different establishments without settling on one. ... I had to inquire twice about what time we would meet.

As I left my ... ahem... centrally located residence.... I texted that I was heading to the area we agreed upon but still didn't know where we were meeting. I seriously considered going back home based on the fact that we didn't have a firm plan. I continued. (Mistake #2)

I arrived at the neighborhood... one of those new urban/ suburban neighborhood centers... and still didn't know which restaurant to go to. I wandered around just to see what was all there. I spotted an Indian restaurant (a favorite) and went to read the menu posted on the window.
Within seconds, a waiter stepped out the door to point out a mama duck who was nesting in the planter near the door... and warned that she was calm but protective. He invited me inside to read their menu and avoid aggravating the mama duck.

The waiter was very friendly and kind so I confided about my strange date who has yet to tell me where to meet him. Waiter suggested that I have a drink at their bar and then tell Vincent, when he texts, that I'm content with a drink, come find me.
I liked that plan and did so.

A few texts later, Vincent finds me. He is loud. Very loud. I mean, I am a loud girl myself and I found it off-putting!! Vincent has a few beers and starts stroking my arm. I skooch to the other edge of my bar stool.

Vincent visits the bathroom and Waiter checks in on me. I share that he's not my type, but nice enough.

Vincent returns and displays a lack of sophistication that would shame a 15 year old boy. Continues stroking my arm, making me want to boil it when I get home.
He starts touching my leg.

Vincent visits the bathroom again and Waiter, who we learn is 22 years old and 20 times more mature and charming than my Internet date, checks in on me again. I share that Vincent needs to stop touching me.

Vincent returns and Waiter engages us both in conversation, making the rest of the evening much more enjoyable for me! Waiter leaves us alone long enough for Vincent to tell me about his brief stint in prison.
Yeah. Prison.

We finish our meal and we get up to part.
Vincent says, "I get the feeling you're not real touchy-feely but how about a hug?"
"Thanks I'd rather not."
Without another word, he tosses his arms in the air and retreats to the bathroom again.
I call after him, "Thanks for dinner!" and high-tail it out of there... thanking Waiter for his excellent wing man skills. Waiter offers to walk me to my car. (I decline)

When I get home, I find this final text from creepy Vincent:

"Hey, I'm really sorry for whatever happened to you but loose my number and get a toothe whitener"

spelling genius, His.

Dude. You spent time in prison and the issue here is MY TEETH?

Yes, they are discolored due to the prescription of Tetracycline for Croup when I was a baby. Most people just comment on my beautiful smile.

Yep, prime example of available men out there... just waiting for a woman like me. No wait... rejecting a woman like me! Har Har!

I'm kinda hoping Adorable Co-Worker pulls through on the business photo guy for me! I'm planning to introduce her to Waiter.

And yes, I washed my arm with soap when I got home.

Permission

2010-05-25T10:43:00.006-06:00

Better now.
Not 100% better but I'm feeling happier and able to function.

The words of my bloggy friend Genevra helped. She helped me to identify what I was really feeling, which was grief.

As she wrote in a post comment:

Your posts of late have struck me as someone who is in the grieving process, just not for someone who has actually died. More of a dream and/or expectation of how your life was suppose to have turned out by the time you were the age you are fast approaching.

Grieving the deaths of hopes and dreams is just hard as grieving the passing of a person, in my opinion. Maybe harder, because people can concretely understand how it feels or must feel to have someone you love die. I think it is harder when it is not a concrete thing.

I had begun to identify that myself when I thought that if I were widowed, others would acknowledge my loss. If I were dealing with a divorce, others would surround me with support. If I had lost a child, my friends would cry with me. But because I am grieving the loss of something I have never had... most people can't see that big gaping hole.

Thank you Genevra for giving me permission to grieve. Quoting Caroline Myss, she wrote:

"... sometimes the greatest gift another human being could give another was to just sit with them through their grief...."

I'll sit with you.

What a friend!

The other thing that irked me was the anonymous comment saying she had removed me from her RSS feed based on my posts the past few weeks.

That stung, because she indicated that a friend of mine had first shared my blog with her... and because less than a handful of my friends even know about my blog I guessed that the person she was referring to is the same friend who abandoned me when things got great for her and really tough for me.
When I went through a rather glamorous phase of life, she was bragging about me in a "That's my friend!" sort of way. Expressing her envy of a lifestyle that looked more glamorous than it was... but when the ride was over and I hit the ground... she hit the road. (The link above is the beginning of that story. Someday I'll share the rest of it. It isn't pretty and it hurts. This bitter post was in response to her truth.) So here this stranger was following the same pattern as this hurtful friend. I hope they have a great time together!

Anyway, it brought all those hurtful feelings back (clearly, when that was the LAST thing I needed!!!) and when I think of Miss Anonymous I see the face of that fair-weather friend and it makes my guts hurt.

Bottom-line, why did Anonymous tell me that she removed me from her feed, other than to be hurtful? Why not just remove it and move on? I mean, I don't care if I have readers or not (mostly - of course it's nice to have comments and of course I check for them!) I have not monetized my blog, I don't check my stats... I don't even know how to do. So the only motivation for Anonymous to point out that she removed mine from her feed was a virtual slap in the face.

And who needs friends like that?!

I know I'd be the bigger person if I didn't even acknowledge Anonymous... but the truth is, I'm not that big.

Yeah... okay

2010-05-20T23:28:00.003-06:00

Yeah... okay I'm feeling a little bitter lately.
Give me a few days. I'll get back to normal.

Just keep in mind that you don't know all that is going on in my life. That has gone on in my life. That which I do without. That which I have sacrificed. That which I put up with.

You have not walked in my shoes. You are not the one who cries with my parents. You do not have my family, or my past or my experiences. Nor do I know all your circumstances.

I will say, I have sacrificed plenty. I have been the victim of other people's whims. Right now, a dear friend of mine is feeling the painful results of some childish people's whims... and I am working to hold her up as she goes through it. As a result, some of my dust has become unsettled as well.

I am feeling bad about spouting off the past few days... but not bad enough to take my posts down.

Some people (who call themselves Anonymous... oh the bravery!) have pointed out that I'm no fun now that I'm in pain. Well boo-hoo.

If you can stick by me... know that I will stick by you when you are dredging through murky waters. In fact, I will even if you won't.

Blessings! I love my bloggy friends.

Don't Tell Me How to Feel

2010-05-20T09:38:00.003-06:00

I have a lot of people telling me that I shouldn't feel this way. Mostly in real life.

I guess they see that I'm a generally happy person, that I have lots of friends who love me, they tell me I'm beautiful and that I don't look 40 (as if that changes anything), and that I'm successful in that I've fully supported myself all these years, own my own home... that sort of jazz.

I think it has a lot to do with my unemployment struggles lately. I just hate that there is no work for me and it makes me feel like a failure. A failure even though mostly, I just picked a career field that is A) volatile B) changing and C) no longer valued.

But it is humiliating to me to be single and unemployable.
That translates to all kinds of unwanted.

Employers don't want me? Fine. I'll go home and raise babies. Oh wait, I don't have any. I don't have a husband, and no I'm not having one on my own because guess what... I can barely support myself!!

Yes, I know that being married doesn't validate a person. That it's not all rainbows and sunsets and hot sex.

The bottom line is, I want to share my life. I want a partner. A teammate.
I am so over coming home to an empty house.
I am so over everything I do, on a daily basis... getting groceries, putting gas in the car, earning a paycheck... is done for me.
I am so over my own needs and wants.
I want to share.

Don't tell me I shouldn't feel this way. God made us to want to share our lives.
It's natural. It's Christ-like.

Yes, in a little way... as the kid who wasn't popular in school, who never scored the best grades, who didn't grow into her looks until after college... I sort of feel like I'm proving everybody right on their first impressions that I would never amount to anything.

I say that... but I know that I am deeply and passionately loved by God. I know that. I feel that.
I just also want to feel arms around me at home.

Pffftttt!

2010-05-18T12:25:00.004-06:00

I spend a lot of time lately explaining to God how He's not playing fair.

If you haven't guessed, McTwitchy is out of the picture.
After he told me that he was concerned he might not be available enough to me... we had a talk about what availability looked like.
From his point of view... he couldn't answer because he finds that his time is unpredictable. So he asked what it would look like to me.

Going out once on the weekends
A phone conversation sometime during the week
and
Meeting up sometime during the week for a walk or a bike ride / activity

When I got to the third item, I saw him flinch. I was asking too much of him.

Already, we were going an entire week between seeing one another, and when I said so he felt a bit attacked. He actually said he thinks he should find someone who doesn't want to spend as much time with him.

Yes. I thought that was the dumbest thing I've ever heard!
How do you find someone with whom you connect, have great chemistry, enjoy each other's company and conversation, feel attraction ... and wish to spend less time with them?

He chooses to be single and I told him so.

Maybe I do expect too much too soon. But I really think, at our age (approaching 40 and 40+ ) if you are looking for a relationship... six weeks in you probably want to spend time together. Six weeks is where you decide, "I like this person. I want to know more" or not.
I would say it's different if you're 20-25. At that age, it might be a bit overbearing.

But I've already spent my whole life alone. It's time to get on with it. Why wait? The sooner we spend time together, the sooner we figure out if we WANT to spend time together... maybe a life together. It will become obvious very soon if we don't want to!!

Bottom line... I think the right man for me will be the guy who wants to spend time with me. Who wants me to feel special. And I him.

I'm not exactly sure that man exists... but if he did, he would be the one for me.

The remainder of the equation is that ... this is dating at 40. If a man is 40 and single it is because he chose to put other things (work, play, hunting, nintendo, gambling, drinking ...) ahead of making time with someone special.

I am aware that the same could be said for me.
In my 20s, my career was definitely ahead of the men I met. But I'm over that now... and a man should be too. Now is the time for him to be established and unafraid of sharing his life.

My friend told me yesterday that I am single by choice.
That I've broken up with as many men as have broken up with me. That's probably true.
But what is also true is... I've never dated a man who wanted to be with me more than he wanted to do anything else.

Okay, maybe there were two guys who did... but the rest of their values didn't really match up with mine.

So here I am... weeks away from 40 - and I've never been truly loved. I've never been with someone who wants to share life with me.
There were two, maybe three guys who thought about marrying me - but none of them asked.
And I'm officially an old maid. Just as damaged as the men I'm meeting and will meet from here on out.

I truly don't understand why God wants me to be alone.
He did not make us to live life alone.

My widowed, church pew sharing friend told me, "God asks, 'Why are you lonely? You have Me."
While I do believe God wants us to turn to Him and allow Him to fill us up, and fill all our needs... I still think what she said is phooey... If God expected us to fill our lives ONLY with Him, He would not have made Eve for Adam. God intended for us to share our lives - for that is how we experience His love.

I can only think that I am going about this life thing... totally wrong.
I am crying frequently.

For the record; I'm not crying about McTwitchy. Not one tear for him. I'm just so sad that I'm still so alone. The tears are for my loneliness. Surrounded by friends or not, I'm lonely.

Speaking of Helping People Get What They Need

2010-05-14T11:17:00.005-06:00

I get my work schedule for next week today. (for the part-time job that supplements unemployment) Next week starts on Sunday. It's pretty lousy to have such short notice about your Sunday plans.

I usually have to work on Sundays. The manager is kind enough to schedule me after I can attend Mass.
This Sunday there are two events that I'd like to attend instead of work. When I asked the manager if I could get Sunday off, he said I'd have to find someone from another store to fill in - because our staff is too small to fill the gap. So basically, I'm scheduled unless I find someone to cover.

I'll be making phone calls this afternoon but I don't have high hopes. I anticipate hearing excuses like, "That's my only day with my family." and I respect that.

I want to say, "I understand, but I'm single and I have no one. I spend my free time during the week alone because all the other grown-ups are at work. Then on the weekends, I have to work. This would be the first Sunday in 5 months that I can socialize."

Really, it's only 5 hours that they won't have with their family. They'll see them when they get home and they will still love them. They still get to tuck their kids into bed, and go to bed with their spouse.

For me... it's five hours that I get to spend with someone who isn't me... and isn't a customer. Possibly meet my future husband!

Wish me luck! I have a feeling I'll still be working on Sunday.

Little Things

2010-05-13T18:40:00.005-06:00

I have a friend who is going through a very rough time.
Relationships are ending as babies are being born and it is entirely overwhelming for her. We have an understanding right now. When she calls, I answer.

In fact, one day I was on the phone with my friend in D.C. when this friend called. I let it go to voicemail. Then my land line rang and I let it go to voicemail too. Seconds later my cell rang again. I looked at my phone to see that it was this special friend and told my D.C. friend, "____ just rang for third time in a row. I need to see what it is. I'll call you back."

Next thing I knew, I was on my way to her house while I called my D.C. friend back saying, "If you tell a mother of two children under 20 months to call you if she needs anything... she will!"

I happily do what I can to help her. Incidentally, I am also Godmother to both of her children.
Sometimes I think that God arranged for me to be unemployed right now so that I can be available to help her through the toughest time of her life.

A couple weeks ago she confided in me that she felt broken. My heart ached for her.
I thought to send her an uplifting card for mother's day, considering her kids are too small to acknowledge the day. Then I thought it would be nice to get her other friends to do the same.
A mass email went out.
One friend offered to start a meal delivery schedule.
It was beautiful!

Today she called to thank me for that. She told me that the meals are much appreciated as she just can't make it grocery store more than once every 2 -3 weeks.

Then I felt shame. In fact the last time I was at the store I thought about her, thought about calling her... and did nothing.

"Okay sister, the next time I'm at the grocery store, I'm calling you. You need to tell people that!"

Because how hard is it to pick up a few more things and swing by her house? I know she'll write a check for me on the spot. It's a small favor.

I'm sharing this just as a small reminder to think about what the people in your life need.
Do you know an overwhelmed mom who could use a bag of groceries delivered to her house? How about an elderly, widowed man or woman who could use a ride to the grocery store and an hour's company?

It might seem like we can't fit these little favors in ... but we can. A quick call, "I'm heading to the store. Do you need anything or can I pick you up on the way?"

They may not even take you up on it - but just being asked lets them know they are thought of and cared for.

In fact, I'd like to make this some sort of a fixture in my church community. We don't do well enough to serve people around here.
It only takes a spark.

My Big Gaping Hole

2010-05-10T11:48:00.004-06:00

I sent my mom a vibrant orange and fuchsia bouquet for Mother's Day. She seldom receives flowers, (dad's not the type) so I knew that would be a hit.

But I didn't get to see her. A quick phone call before she went to bed Saturday night in a different time zone and that was the extent of the festivities.

Then, I woke up Sunday morning and checked Faceb00k to find dozens of Mother's Day greetings between spouses... gratitude for children from all the mommies I know. It actually hurt my feelings.

You know, that punched-in-the-gut feeling, like when - at my last job - every time I looked out the window from my desk I saw stay-at-home-mommas pushing strollers past my office... and it felt like they were rubbing it in. "Look at me, I have everything you want. I husband, a house and babies. Neener, neener."

I made sure to toss a hanky in my purse as I left for church.

Cringing, I anticipated Fr. Awkward's standard Mother's Day homily.
He's sweet to include all women as Mothers... but it actually hurts more. Yes, I am given the gifts of motherhood. I have maternal tendencies which are a blessing from my creator. But that doesn't make up for the fact that I don't have children and probably never will. I prayed he wouldn't say it again.

Before Mass my regular pew-mate, a trim, beautiful and stylish 60-something widow, settled in next to me. "How are you?" she asked with genuine friendship. I could only shake my head and let the waterworks start. I explained that I was hurting because I so want a family. Even just a two-person family, me and a husband.

In an attempt to console she said, "That's not the only vocation."
Because I like her, I resisted socking her in the mouth.

I cried all through Mass.I cried for my eternal loneliness and for my friend's recent miscarriage - making this her first, sad Mother's Day. My hanky was soaked.

My widow friend leaned over and said, "Sometimes church is the loneliest place on Earth."
I nodded my agreement.

Then I went to work at the portrait studio to photograph other people's families - and a special session for a ripe, expectant mother - my specialty.I turned numb to keep from crying, so I was not my lively self.

Her husband asked if we were busy that day.
"Yes." I said, "It's Mother's Day. It's lousy."
"Are you a mother?" he asked.
"No." I replied, "That's why it's lousy."

His confused expression combined with his foreign accent told me he didn't understand. In his culture, you marry. You just do. He must have determined that I suffer from infertility.

The maternity session was my last appointment of the day. I went to my car and the tears flowed heavily. My cell phone rang and I squeaked a greeting. My friend heard my tears, and told me she was calling to see if I wanted to go for a walk. I squeaked out a yes and agreed to meet her at my place.

I know the Holy Spirit put me in her heart!! She came with flowers from her yard and a loving hug and just let me cry.It hurts that people just expect a person to be married with children. Like it just happens.
And that if I haven't done so - I must have chosen it.
I've heard people say they don't understand those that want a relationship... so... have a relationship! They say. What's so hard?

And I just don't know. Why is it hard for some of us? Why is it elusive when those who say such things just fall into it and don't understand why it doesn't work out for the rest of us?

Lord. That hurts. It suggests that there must be something wrong with me.

Once, while chatting with a young hairstylist as she fixed my hair for an event... she asked if I had children.
"No."
I said it with shock as if it must be obvious I don't have children. Don't you see the gaping hole? Don't you see the missing piece? It's so obvious to me. I can't believe you don't see it.

"Do you want children?"
Yes. Of course."
Then why haven't you had any?"
I'm not married.
Which I could tell in her life experience was no excuse. Women have babies all the time whether they want one or not.

Now, as I approach my 40th birthday - I wish I'd been more irresponsible.

What hurts the most is that people don't see my big gaping hole.
If I were a widow, they would acknowledge my loss. If I were going through an ugly divorce, they would offer help. If I lost a child, they would cry with me.

But because I have not lost - I am expected to buck up and not feel pain.

I am here to tell you - never having hurts as badly as losing.
It may hurt in a different way. But it hurts in the exact same place.

Photo credits: me :-)

Whoa. Now That's Weird!

2010-05-04T22:40:00.004-06:00

So I'm sitting here eating corn chips and white queso dip. The type of thing I usually can't stop eating. How do you stop eating chips before finding the bottom of the bag?

I'm not feeling guilty about it.

Remember when McTwitchy asked if I weighed less now than the first time he met me, and that I wasn't really even bothered by it?
There is something about my size, my natural size that makes people think I've lost weight even when I've gained weight. I'm just a tiny person (even though I think I'm normal.) I don't realize how small I am until I see myself in a photo with others. Suddenly I look as if in miniature. It's sort of weird.
So I just chalk it up to people forgetting that I'm tiny and when they see me again after some time apart - even if I'm at my biggest - they think I'm tiny.

The week after Easter, a friend's sister was in town and I ran into them at church. She exclaimed how thin I was and cautioned, "Don't lose any more."

Whatever. I reasoned that the last time she saw me, was around the time McTwitchy first saw me - and I have returned to my normal weight since then.

Today I went to my Chiropractor, who when she laid eyes on me for the first time in two months asked if I had lost weight.
I said I didn't really know as I don't own a scale.
She asked if my clothes fit the same, and I couldn't make a determination there either because I haven't worn my spring clothes all winter!

After my adjustment she indicated a room with a scale. I stepped on and waited for the numbers to settle, fully expecting my regular weight to appear... and shocked when it came up four pounds short!!

Yikes.
I asked her assistant if that scale was accurate and she assured it was. When I told her my discrepancy she said, "Oh that's good!"

I'm not so sure it is.
Sure, people lose four pounds in two months... but they are usually trying to lose.
I normally don't fluctuate more than 2 pounds either direction.

Funny thing... I told Kikr who shared that she recently lost four pounds as well!
True friend. We wear the same size and have noticed that we even gain and lose weight at the same time.

I figure now is the time to work on my muscle mass. Usually it's frustrating to try to tone up, and gain weight in the process because you are building muscle. This way, I get the best of both - get my weight and my shape back to where they need to be.

Make Out Hair - The Bliss Continues!

2010-05-02T23:10:00.004-06:00

What is it about make-out hair? Something about tousling around with a partner makes your hair look fantastic in the morning. Something a good night's sleep never does!

So, um... it was an entire month between dates with McTwitchy. I wondered if he was just placating me with another date before he told me it wasn't going to work because he's just too busy. (My friends ask me if I was mad - or if he apologized for not seeing me. Neither. I choose not to make a big deal out of it because what guy likes that girl?) In fact, on our date I felt that being with him just wasn't the same.

I sensed the end. I even asked him if he was okay. This caught him off-guard, and then he cursed the fact that he is so easy to read.

Later he told me what was on his mind. He's concerned about not being available. He wants to be available. His business demands much of his time, because that is what he allows. He knows he has lost relationships over it... and he wants that pattern to end.

I am just impressed that we had that conversation.
I'm dating a grown-up!
And a great kisser, by the way!

Oh, and I realize from other bits of conversation... like how he took the weekend to visit a friend in need - and that he offered for me to borrow his laptop in the event I would need it for a job interview/training - and some other random niceness - that he is like me. (does that sound like I'm patting myself on the back? It's not meant to.) It occurred to me that my proclivity to offer help whenever needed, drop everything for a friend who needs a hand, loan possessions, etc -- and suddenly, I realized - so does he! Warms my heart.

The Image of Perfection

2010-04-27T19:22:00.012-06:00

I say that I dabble in photography because I'm not confident enough in my abilities to declare myself a photographer. So the fact that I get 'Professional Photographer' magazine makes me feel all heady each month when I find it in the mail.

I pour over every beautiful image. Portraits are most intriguing to me.Remembering my own senior portraits and the relief in knowing that the photographer (then working with film, not digital images) would touch up any pimples that cropped up for picture day.

Now, I thumb through the award-winning senior portraits and see that technology is even kinder to graduates today. Their skin is airbrushed within an inch of a porcelain surface. Not a blemish in sight... nay not even pores in their skin!They (and babies... and family portraits) are treated with the same technology and the same critical eye as the models in our magazines. It's not just my photographer's magazine doing this, but almost every wedding photographer and portrait photographer in business. Some photographers limit the degree of their touch-ups. They offer different pricing scales ranging from simple touch ups to pure perfection.

It's a bit disturbing.

Last year when I took some newborn portraits for my friend, I wanted to touch up his flaky just-entered-the-dry-world-from-a-warm-wet-womb skin. She wanted some of his baby acne eliminated. It was easy to get carried away. Suddenly I realized, maybe that red mark isn't a blemish but a feature of his skin. Will this mommy look at his pictures in two years and think, "Gee he didn't have that mark when he was born. Where did that come from?"
So I gave her both the original and the touched-up images for posterity.

Where did this demand for perfection come from?

Last year when the media was all aflutter with Farrah Fawcett's death that famous poster of her was everywhere - like it was in the 70s. Her bright, cheerful fresh face, flecked with freckles and a flush in her cheeks suggesting she had spent the day in the sun.
As I watched one program, memorializing her life and career, publicity photos from the height of her career flashed on the screen. A big beautiful smile - drawing lines around her eyes. A sun-kissed face dotted with those sunny freckles, and ~gasp~ visible pores and shiny skin indicating this was a real live, breathing human being! A natural beauty. I thought...
"Those pictures would never be published today."

Today all we see is manufactured perfection. Then we wonder why we feel inadequate.

So I was pleasantly surprised last night when, in a phone conversation with McTwitchy - we landed on this topic - and he asserted that the pressure women get from the media today is absurd. The push to be uber-thin and flawless. That even fit and youthful teen stars have their waists whittled away in Photoshop for magazine covers.

It's a relief to know that he feels this way even though I've never really felt the pressure to be thin, because I have always been thin. Instead, I feel some pressure to be curvy (which is never going to happen. Works both ways ladies!!!). It tells me that he's a man with reasonable expectations.

Then, somehow this conversation turned to our first meeting - which he remembers and I don't. Our mutual friend introduced us at church three years ago. I think she told him that she wanted to make an introduction. I was with Mr. Burns at the time (which she was unaware of) so the introduction didn't stand out to me as it did for him.
But I am flattered that McTwitchy remembers details like just how long/short my hair was. It suggests that he found me memorable, and maybe even liked what he saw.

As we talked about the natural curves and fluff of real American women, he asked me if I didn't weigh a few more pounds when he met me that time in church. (shock!)
He tempered the statement by saying that I didn't look heavy, but I am clearly thinner now.
He's right. But I was stunned that he would even mention it.
However, I've worked in media my whole life so critical statements sort of roll right off of me. And when I say 'critical' I'm referring to the dictionary definition - not necessarily criticism.

I admitted that I carried eight extra pounds back then - and that with my small frame, eight pounds on me resembles 10-15 extra pounds on the average sized woman. I also assured him that I am at my regular weight now - which doesn't seem to matter to him.

Uncomfortable as it may be, I'm chalking this up to him being A) observant B) realistic C) appreciative of what is before him and D) honest.
Moreover - it's refreshing to know that he doesn't subscribe to the media-generated beauty ideal. And that, ultimately... he sees my beauty.... inner - outer - all over.

It's not just him. Most men really do see past our societal influenced beauty standards.
Isn't that good to know?

Photo Credits 1) Professional Photography Magazine 2) myself and of Farrah Fawcett - general Google search.

Figures

2010-04-24T12:09:00.003-06:00

I've been applying to 5 jobs a week every week this year - waiting out a decision from the regional manager at my part-time job. (come on - decide already!)

There are very few job openings for my skill set. It's very frustrating.

This week, I found an opportunity to photograph babies every day and be paid well for it. I've been accepted through first round qualifications.
I must supply my own camera and laptop. (I don't have a laptop but it's about time for me to make that investment anyway)

And, if I am selected for training, I have to be available for a full week, a week from now - with my camera.

Guess what? Two days ago I sent my camera away for cleaning and maintenance. It doesn't come back for four weeks.

Figures!

(I figure I can rent or borrow a camera if it comes down to it.)

Sweet Agony

2010-04-23T11:13:00.003-06:00

Being in like is more agonizing than being let down.

Yesterday, I was about to take a customer and her baby into the camera room, when my personal cell phone rang. I took a quick glance, saw it was McTwitchy and had to let it go to voicemail.
A huge smile spread across my face, and when my customer gave me a quizzical look I responded, "The boy just called. You remember what that was like, right?"

She smiled and nodded vigorously.

Now, don't think I'm ridiculously giddy. Just know he has given me enough feedback for me to know that this is still something good.

The agony is in waiting to see him again. It's killing me.
I'm fully prepared to feel foolish again if this thing peters out. But for now, I'm enjoying the agony.

(what really feels foolish is having this giddy, twitterpaited feeling as I'm about to turn 40! That's what makes me feel ridiculous!)

I Feel Much Better Now

2010-04-20T16:53:00.005-06:00

Post-Edit

That's better.

I called him last night and left a message asking how his trip went. You see, I've been simmering on a slow boil for almost a week, because he said he'd call when he returned... which should have been a week ago.

Some friends suggested that I call him, but initially my pride prevented me. He's supposed to pursue me. I thought he liked me. Why should I have to remind a man that I exist? Wah.

This morning, I received a text from McTwitchy saying he extended his trip for a week and a half because he picked up some freelance work with a friend there. He'll be back on Saturday.

As Jinxie said, and I paraphrase... it's not like he was being a jerk.

Now I'm looking forward to seeing him. I really am.
Also, now I know that this is part of his personality. He's spontaneous. He gets wrapped up in his work and doesn't call lots of people! At this point, I'm willing to see how it goes.
I have no intentions of changing him. But he has already told me that he wants to manage his time better - so if I see him working on staying in touch - it's worth it to hang in there.
If not... well hey - he's just not right for me.

But I am really looking forward to seeing him again. I feel much better!

A Nugget. Post-edit

When I replied to his text, which was a promise to call either before or after he gets home, I urged him to "Call soon... I miss talking with you."
I wanted to let him know that I miss him, without sounding mushy or over-dramatic. Yet belying a sense of urgency - which any good man should appreciate.

He replied that he wanted to talk to me too, and gave me an acknowledgment that I shall not share here... except to say, it was the nugget that I needed. Just a little something that speaks to his interest in me and appreciation of me.

That was all I needed. Just a nugget.
He is worthy of my thoughts and energy.

No Excuses

2010-04-19T11:20:00.002-06:00

I'm entirely conflicted.
I could be upset that he hasn't called me yet. Or, I could call him and just say, "Hi, how was your trip?" I haven't decided yet.

I'm conflicted because I find myself making excuses for why he hasn't called. He runs his own, one-man business from his home, and having been gone for an entire week it's reasonable that he needed to get back down to business and make sure the money is coming in. Then it was quickly the weekend, and he couldn't assume I was free.

I tend to make excuses for men who don't behave as I expect them to behave.
I certainly did that for Mr. Burns.
But, I am reminded... men don't think like women. So my expectation is completely irrelevant.

I saw his friend at church yesterday, and when she asked how things were going, I told her I haven't heard from him since he came back from his trip. She replied, "That's totally McTwitchy. He's a workaholic. I don't hear from him forever then he'll call suddenly, saying how busy he's been."

I am reminded that there is a reason some men over 40 aren't married. If it's just because he hasn't figured out how to woo yet... I guess I can give him the benefit of the doubt.

But no excuses.

After all this time, I've lost some interest in him. (Guys, you gotta strike while the iron is hot!!)
But talking with Kikr, I was reminded of just how much I enjoy time with him.

I think I'll be calling him at the end of his work day today.

If you have an opinion, feel free to share it!

Anticipation

2010-04-14T11:15:00.002-06:00

Life has been a bit uneventful this past week as the object of my affection was out of town.

I'm not sitting around pining for him though. I managed to spend lots of time with girlfriends.

One friend got engaged during Holy Week, another had a birthday... there hasn't really been a dull moment.

Friday night my friend Kafi and I went to a party hosted by one of my favorite online stores... ModCloth.com!

Their writers were in town for a writers conference, and if you check out their website you'll understand why creative writing is so important to their product descriptions.
We met some of the writers and I told them that they're like J. Peterman for Anthropology type clothes!
Here's ModCloth's blog post about the event. As a registered shopper on their site, I was sent an email invite to the shindig! And my friend and I got some free stuff! I got the. Coolest. Earrings. I'll try to feature them here soon.
It was awesome!

On Saturday, I met a group of girlfriends for dinner and had a killer eggplant sandwich!

But back to the object of my affection.
Before he left to visit his family for a week, he said that he'd call me when he gets back.

I'll admit I was bummed that I wasn't going to hear from him, but I reasoned that we've only been seeing one another for about three weeks, and it's expected for him to compartmentalize his family visit separate from anything that is going on with me.

All my girlfriends agreed. I decided that I would just wait and see what happens when he gets back. (sometime today)
That is, until my friend's new fiance said he thought it was weird that McTwitchy would not even text me while he's gone. Then I bummed out a little.

But I have been thinking it's still not as much of a red flag as the many red flags Mr. Burns waved at me over the years.

After we had been dating more than a year, Mr. Burns went back East to visit family, and as I drove him to the airport, he said, "Don't be mad if I don't call you while I'm away."
WTH? That is NOT okay!
I replied, "I won't get mad. I'll just know that you're not thinking about me."

Mr. Burns argued that I was projecting or something... and I said no, you don't ask me to write you a hall pass for not calling while you're gone!!! And why would you want to? If you love me at all, you should miss me, even plan to miss me... and can't help yourself from calling me!

It should have been perfectly clear then that he didn't really care for me.
But we tortured ourselves for another year or so after that! Ugh.

Please learn from my mistakes ladies!!

Meanwhile, I don't want to have expectations on McTwitchy. But I also don't want to make excuses for him like I did for Mr. Burns.
So I'm just going to see what happens when he's back, and we'll go from there.

My feelings for him have been tempered over the past week that he's been gone. I'm a little less twitterpaited... but I am still feeling the pitter-pat of excitement that hopefully I'll see him again soon.
I'm just not counting on it.
And I think that's healthy.

Merit System

2010-04-07T10:45:00.006-06:00

My girlfriend was waiting to hear the details about the guy who inspired the text: "I really like him."

Grinning broadly, I spilled. "I do. I really like him. He's a good man. I'm giddy!"

We talked about a few specifics before she looked at me through her eyelashes, saying, "If you end up in a relationship with him, I'm going to go jump off a building."

She hasn't been in a relationship in three years, and apparently the brief month between my final breakup with Mr. Burns and taking up with McTwitchy offended her sense of fairness.

Wait.

We don't know that this will be anything. This may be God's way of softening the sting of being alone before I'm really all alone once again. Although, I secretly hope that I can fulfill that urban legend of the woman who gets out of a long relationship and immediately finds the guy she'll marry. But I am also prepared for that not to happen.

When we think about happy endings - it's hard not to think of them as a reward.

When Mr. Burns and I broke up for the second and final time - I felt again, the frustration that I just don't get to have what God gives everyone else.
No husband. No job. No babies.

Where did I go wrong? What have I done so wrong? What did I do that was so bad that I am not worthy of marriage and children, when I can point out people who, according to my logic - have that and don't deserve it. (yikes. Self-righteous much?)

It took someone to point out to me... "God doesn't work on a merit system."
That's an eyeopener. Although sometimes I wish He would.

It's really hard to think that perhaps marriage isn't a reward for good behavior. Having a teammate for life... someone to come home to... someone to share meals with... someone to share the power of touch.
It certainly seems like being without those things is a punishment. The gift of children is indeed a gift, not a bonus plan. (spare me the 'Marriage is Hard' lecture --- that's another post -- and my response is ... Anything worth having is hard. Duh. Being single is hard too.)

I know that my friend doesn't begrudge me finding a worthy man less than two months after ending a relationship. She just also wants that for herself. Even seeing all the difficulties Mr. Burns and I had, she still wanted that too... because struggling together is more appealing than struggling alone.

She's wondering what is wrong with her. Why, perhaps, she is not worthy.
The answer is Nothing. and She is.
The fact is, it's not that she hasn't earned it... but maybe she's just not ready. Or the man for her isn't ready yet. And that stinks. It really freaking stinks.

But I do know, God is preparing something for all of us. When it comes, the wait will have been worth it.

Oh The Anxiety!

2010-04-03T22:30:00.003-06:00

Almost a week went by with no word from Jerry/Hugh.
My I-really-like-him-bliss took a nosedive.
I was wrought with frustration. I thought he liked me. I knew he liked me. Why. Won't. He. Call?

I felt a bit of agony and only Kikr could console me... her charmed, married self remembered the wrenching misery of ugh... just not knowing.
She assured me this guy is solid. She has very strong opinions on this. When I accepted a date with Italian Guy last week, she scolded me. "No! We don't like him. We like Jerry/Hugh!"
(Italian Guy canceled due to work circumstances and I was relieved.)

In fact, that very night, Jerry/Hugh found himself within a block of my house and asked if he could stop by.

He likes me.
Whee.
We saw each other two nights in a row. And I think I'm changing his nickname for blog purposes.

We were snuggling on my sofa and I was playing with his hair. His dark, curly, long-ish hair. Suddenly I realized, and blurted out... "You have Dr. McDreamy hair!" He understood the reference even though he doesn't watch Grey's Anatomy. I joked about Dr. McSteamy... and he rolled his eyes a bit.

We spent more time talking, and since we're in this far enough to really start to get know one another, our topics of discussion vary from deep to light. Silly, sweet and somber.
I'm starting to be able to read him... for instance when he's about to tell me something... like cracking a joke at either his or my expense... or something that might just be inappropriate... he twitches his mouth.
So now I notice his mouth is twitching and just ask what it is he wants to say.

Twice in a row... he was preparing a zinger. On the second one, I caught his mouth twitch and asked, "What's going on in there McTwitchy?"

Oh... and despite my firm rule to never tell my mom about someone I'm dating until it is a bonafide relationship... I was talking to my mom on Easter and she asked if I was dating any interesting guys.
I only told her that McTwitchy exists. Let's pray she doesn't get all worked up.
But I did tell her that McTwitchy and I have the same personality type and seem very compatible.
She asked for clarification; so I told her how, we've only been seeing each other for a couple weeks, but when we went out on Friday and he was parallel parking on a residential street he looked over to the curb and said, "Is that a..."
and I said, "No, there's no driveway, just a sidewalk."
and he completed his parking job.
As I got out of the car I said, "Did I just answer a question you didn't even ask?"
"Uh, yeah."

More or Less

2010-03-31T16:40:00.004-06:00

About eight years ago I met the first man I fell in love with. (I was 32)
I had had so many years of dissappointment, of Mr. Maybes, of 'I-like-him-but-I'm-not-excited-about-him' experiences that I had no idea what love might really feel like. So when I met Joki and we shared the excitement of wanting to see each other All. the. Time, not worrying about who called last, or if calling again might seem desperate... and just basking in one another's company, well it was completely new to me.

We were in the same career field (read: neither of us makes much money) which accounted for our similar personality traits and spot on senses of humor.

It didn't last. Due to our religious differences, (he's Jewish, I'm Catholic - and while I knew we could make it work if we decided to - he was set on marrying a Jewish woman. He's engaged now, BTW and she's lovely, Hubble.) we decided not to start something we couldn't finish.

It was the first hardest decision I ever made.
But I took it as a message from God that if He had made one man like Joki - there had to be more!

Soon after, one of my girlfriends came to me trying to justify breaking up with a guy who was 'great' but didn't own his own home, or have a high paying job. These were her chief complaints about the relationship.
To be honest, I thought she was being materialistic... and I told her that if I could have made it work with Joki, I was fully prepared to live with him in my little one-bedroom, 740 square foot condo for the next 40 years if that's all we could ever afford.

She told me that my passionate dissertation on Mr. Right gave her goosebumps, and also made her realize that she wasn't in love with Mr. Not-Rich-Enough.

Then I met Mr. Burns
I thought right away... in the first week that this was the guy I would marry. It was destined.

We talked about how we would live if we ended up together.
I told him once that if I could spend on deep tissue massage, what he spends on golf-- I'd be the happiest, most relaxed woman alive. He said that was definitely do-able.

When I put food away in his french door, stainless-steel fridge - the puny, poor layout of my own fridge seemed woefully inadequate. When we have a house, we must take that fridge with us.
When he brought flowers home to brighten his own condo (never for mine, btw) I dreamed of having a house with a garden so that I could grow my own flowers to decorate our home.

And a job for me? No. I would dabble in photography and try to make babies.

The life I imagined with him had to have more MORE M O R E.
Why?

I started to think that maybe I was wrong about Joki. That I must have been caught up in the giddiness of love - and it made me believe I could do without.

However
Now in the short time I've spent getting to know Jerry/Hugh, I've learned that together, we would have a modest life. And I love the idea.

Yes, I know I'm getting carried away thinking about an uncertain future... I daydream, I'm a girl... so sue me!

He runs his own business, which is a daily struggle to break even. He's told me that he already sees and appreciates that I'm not a materialistic girl, that I don't judge him for not owning a home or condo yet, even though I do own my own.

When I imagine a future with Jerry/Hugh, I imagine renting an apartment with a couple bedrooms and an office in mid-town. No backyard, but a park nearby - no garden but oh well. Monthly massages... I can probably forget about that. I would have to work if I could keep a job (perpetual unemployed girl here...) and maybe work my way into running a portrait business - to which he could contribute his skill-set on the business side of things.

So here I am again
Thinking that I could live on little but love.
Like the life I imagined with Joki.
But not with Mr. Burns. With Mr. Burns, I needed so much filler in my imaginary life.

I could only picture a life with him if I was getting more stuff from him. Probably because I knew I would never experience the love I needed.

Yes, I'm getting carried away thinking about possibilities ~ but the lesson from my day-dreaming is this... I really think I'd rather be poor and happy than rich and miserable. I think if you can see being happy with someone with little, you're probably on the right track.
If you think you can only be happy with someone if you have plenty - there's a message there.

Reconnecting

2010-03-25T20:54:00.004-06:00

Recently, I've a discovered a sparkly, clever blogger named T!nk. You may have noticed some of his thoughts in the comments of my posts.
I, of course was intrigued and went to check out his blog where he reminded me of some words of wisdom. Wisdom that I had forgotten.
"Always listen to your gay."

It's a variation on my own form of wisdom which is... "Every woman needs a good gay man in her life."

It's so true. Recently a friend of mine moved into a new apartment building and made friends with an outrageously funny gay man. He joined us for a party and I found myself all jealous that she had a gay guy and I didn't. Wah.

Anyway.

T!nk's words reminded me that I had fallen out of touch with my dearest gay friend. I called him immediately and left a message citing T!nk's advice and telling him how much I missed him.

Now we're talking each week again - and today I got to tell him about Jerry/Hugh. I forgot how great it is to talk about guys with a gay man.

Me: "He has black sort of curly hair... and he wears it a little long."
GGF (Gay Guy Friend) : "Long curly hair? Ooh... does it look good?"
Me: "It's not really long. Just a couple inches long rather than cropped close to the head. It looks good on him - and nice to run my fingers through."
GGF: "Oh yeah, that's nice."
Me: "He's really tall, and really thin... with that black hair and blue eyes."
GGF: "OMG! How cute!"

I had to laugh... because I wouldn't even go into that much detail with my girlfriends.
I knew I truly missed my gay friend when he was talking about a client that bugs him, because the client doesn't like it when GGF uses exclamation points in his email correspondence.

GGF: "Are you kidding? For me it's not a question of whether to use an exclamation point, but how many!!!"

So true. Obviously I suffer from the same affliction.
We also discussed my coming to visit, because GGF and his partner always let me stay at their house and they are the world's best hosts.

GGF: "That's GGFP's area. He loves to play host."
Me: "That's right. He's like the Host with the Most on Steroids. 'Do you need another pillow? Can I cut you some cantaloupe in the shape of stars? Do you need a towel?"
GGF: "Do you need a towel to stand on?"

Oh my. How have I gotten along without him?

If any of my regular bloggy friends wonder how I align my faith beliefs with accepting my gay friends -- it's like this; I believe very strongly that God did not put me here to judge others. If what they are doing is wrong - God will handle that. The Lord put me here to love my neighbor - and to show love to my friends. So that is what I do. Post edit - I find it much easier to love my gay friends... than to love people who are mean to me. I need to work on that - the call to love everyone is truly a challenge!

Oh and T!nk... My GGF was also in the military, prior to DADT. Thought you'd like to know that!

I Just Need You Now

2010-03-25T11:00:00.011-06:00

Caught between a catchy tune and something to sing along with... I'm enjoying Lady Antebellum's song 'Need You Now'.

The vocals in this song are lovely... but something about the refrain doesn't sit right with me:

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call  but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Is this a song about a booty call?

It reminds me of an ex-boyfriend of mine - who years later would occasionally call me in the early morning, weekend hours when the bars shut down.
Text book booty call right?
Except, he was in Tennessee while I was in Colorado.
Not much of anything is going to happen with that sort of distance.

I could never figure out why he was calling me except for his explanation that he's still buzzed and wants to talk to someone and it was too late to call anyone in his time zone!

Since it was two hours earlier where I lived - he was calling me at about 1:00am and we would talk about what was happening in our lives, and also talk about the past... about people we both knew and we would reminisce about the time we spent together.

I always thought it was odd for an ex-boyfriend to call for that sort of conversation. It didn't happen a lot, but enough that I wasn't too alarmed when it did happen. Not surprisingly, he stopped when the last call was to announce that he got engaged the night before. (That was shocking as my response was. "To whom?!" He had never mentioned he was dating anyone. Just calling for his platonic booty call every few months.) By the way, how strange is it to call an ex-girlfriend the very morning after you propose to someone else?!! Just say'n!

So you can see how I never made sense of that.

Last weekend, I think I figured out the answer.
On Sunday I heard an interview with Lady Antebellum. They were asked how they accounted for the popularity of the song.
The answer was that they thought it was something everyone could relate to. The male singer (I don't really know the group) said, "Sometimes when a guy is up late and has had too much to drink, he just needs someone who is really important to him to be there."

Hmm. Maybe I was more important to this guy than I thought.

Jerry/Hugh update: He came over after work (9:00pm)last night with a bottle of wine to spend some time together, (rather than on the phone since we only live about 12 blocks apart). We talked until 2:00am. He's so easy to relate to, we have tons in common. I'm learning that he is truly, a good man. I really like him.

Here's a funny. As he made arrangements to meet up - we were trying to determine if we had each had dinner. (I had just made myself something, he hadn't) So he said "It's okay... I'll just eat a little something before we go to bed."
"We?" I asked.
"Did I say 'We'?" He was suddenly mortified! Explaining that he had absolutely no ulterior motives!!
I'm happy to report, we only engaged in a tiny amount of smooching... all above board. He's a good guy!

Arggg. It's actually frustrating because even though I enjoy getting to know him and taking it slow - there's part of me that just wants to jump ahead and see how it all turns out!!

Slippery Slope

2010-03-23T09:10:00.004-06:00

When Jerry/Hugh and I had dinner the other night, we sat across from each other in a booth. By the time we had been talking for an hour after our meal our was finished, he started to hold my hand across the table.

It's so strange to be dating again, that I actually had to consider whether it was weird or sweet to be holding hands. I mean - I'm almost 40 for crying out loud! It seems so silly, so backwards.
I decided on sweet. Hey, that's the way it's supposed to go.

After we had been talking for FOUR hours on our date, he invited me to sit on his side of the booth when I returned from the ladies room. It wasn't long after that, he kissed me. (yes, it was lovely - despite being in a public place!)

See, I'm a girl who waits to kiss until the third date.

You know why? Because in our society - things have become so distorted that many men expect sex on the third date! I reserve kissing for the third date to let a man know that I'm not that kind of girl!

This morning, on the AM Radio Show the hosts were talking about a survey. It had asked either 1500 or 15,000 women (I'm bad with numbers so I can't remember - and I can't find the source right now) on which date in a new relationship is it okay to have sex with your date.
The majority answer was the THIRD DATE! 10% responded that it was okay on the first date if you really connected!

This is ridiculous to me! What on earth does a couple know about one another by the third date to risk having a child together?!!! Yuck. That's part of the problem that our society's contraception mentality has created. (Conversion Diary has a great explanation of the Contraceptive Mentality - scroll down to that section or read this whole post... it's amazing.)

Back to my date.
He walked me not only to the door of my building, but to my own personal door on the third floor. (it was already 2:30am! ) We talked on my sofa for a bit, and kissed a bit more. This wasn't exactly the third date so I started wonder if this was all too soon.

But we had just talked for six hours! It's not as if we hadn't gotten to know one another.
So I looked up at him and said, "Wait. Maybe we should talk some more!"
As expected, he burst out laughing.
I took the opportunity to ask, "Is this our second date? Or our first? Was our breakfast meeting a date?"
"Of course it was a date. Plus, we've spent more than 15 hours on the phone together - this is like our 4th or 5th date."

"Well then, I guess it's okay to kiss."

But I am regretting it a little bit. I think I really like him, and now that we've kissed we've raised the bar a bit. If I'm trying to save sex for marriage - (whether with Jerry/Hugh or someone else) there's not a whole lot left between kissing and sex to reserve for the slow reveal.
Plus, it doesn't take much kissing before the desire to tear off clothing kicks in.
Sigh. Been there before!
Such a slippery slope.

For the record, Italian Guy asked me if I kiss on the second date. I said no. A) because I'm a third date girl - B) I'm already kissing Jerry/Hugh and C) Italian Guy is very recently divorced with three small children and no annulment yet. Oh... and D) as a by-product of being divorced, he hasn't really dated in 19 years so I figure I should help him set reasonable expectations.

UpDATE

2010-03-21T22:24:00.004-06:00

I went out with Jerry/Hugh Friday night and we closed the place down!

We went out to a pub/bar for dinner at about 9:00 and when the place closed at 2:00am they kicked us out with the rest of the stragglers. 2. AM. Seriously.

We talked the entire time. My voice was raw from talking over the music blasting from the speaker directly above our booth.
Obviously we have tons to talk about - we even delved into some heavy stuff like his dad's death, and my sister's death - family - faith and lots of other stuff.

I like him.

Sunday night I had a date with the Italian Guy who I met online. This was our second date - and I wasn't very excited about it - because I already like Jerry/Hugh.
But the date was better than expected, and I like him more than I did after my first impression on our first meeting.

We went for coffee after dinner - a little independently owned shop buzzing with students on their laptops, working on homework.

As he drove me home, he initiated a conversation about whether men and women can declare someone of the same gender attractive. The general rule is that women will acknowledge another beautiful women... but that most men aren't comfortable doing so in regard to their own gender.
Italian Guy said, that yes he could say another guy is attractive - for example the guy sitting diagonal to us in the coffee shop was a good looking guy.

Yes, I agreed he was.

"I know." IG said, "I saw you checking him out."
Thank the Lord the inside of the car was dark, because I'm sure I turned five shades of red.
"I didn't check. him. out."
"Yes you did. You were even obvious about it. You up-and-downed him."
"No! I noticed that he was there. And that he was nice looking. And that he was wearing cargo shorts, which I thought was strange, considering the weather - but I wasn't giving him the up-and-down!"

He playfully argued with me... but I was squirming. I swear, I wasn't ogling. I just noticed the kid. But I'm so embarrassed - because I would be livid if I caught my date checking out a woman.

Totally. Busted.
Even though I swear I wasn't checking him out. I simply saw the young good looking guy - who happened to be sitting under a very interesting piece of art.

My face is still red.

Now What?

2010-03-19T12:16:00.002-06:00

Oh the wondering.

When you meet someone new and even if you're fairly certain they are interested in you - there is still that bit of insecurity that he may not call.
I'm not the type to wait by the phone and wail, but hey - I'm ready to get on with things.

So last night I was talking with a friend, Mibr, telling her that Jerry/Hugh hadn't called yet, and it was already Thursday. I made plans with an online guy for Sunday. Mibr and I are thinking of seeing a movie either Friday or Saturday.

A minute after I ended the call with Mibr, Jerry/Hugh called.
We talked for four hours again!
It's ridiculous! He even said, if he'd known we would talk for that long, we should have just met up and seen each other in person!
I agreed by pointing out that my hair looked really cute last night and it was a shame to waste it!!

I do enjoy talking with him - but he keeps me up too late!
Granted, I have been in the habit of staying up that late anyway -1:00am - but I'm trying to break the habit. And when I am up that late by myself - I'm just groggy. When I'm on the phone, talking, I start to get punchy. Giggling fits. Laughing at nothing.

Then I'm embarrassed because it's uncontrollable giggling.
He said it was kind of cute - because it showed a girly side of me. I guess that's sort of sweet.

But at this point we've spent more time on the phone together than in person.
I think we should make it a goal to have our face-time outrank our phone-time.
I'll tell him tonight. We're going to try to get together if the weather cooperates.

(spring snow here... thick heavy, wet snow that makes half the drivers here panic... making it dangerous for everyone. Grr. I wish the people who moved to Colorado from snowless states could be ordered to either stay home - or learn to drive in snow. Seriously, it's no reason to panic!!)

Get Noticed

2010-03-17T11:47:00.004-06:00

It's a strange transition from being devoted to one guy for almost three years - to being totally single and looking again.

When we broke up in the interim, in the winter of 2008 - I forced myself to move on, but I didn't feel pretty. I didn't feel good enough. But darn if I wasn't putting myself out there.

Fact is, throughout my single life I have been utterly clueless about men finding me attractive or flirting with me.

I recall, when I was a reporter I was sent out to some bar to cover the debut of the XFL (Extreme Football League) The game started at 8:00pm, the location was a 40 minute drive from the TV station - and we had to have the story written and edited for the 10:00 news.
Short turnaround.

So the photographer and I had a plan: He'd shoot cover video, we'd get some random soundbites and haul our butts back downtown to the TV station.
So when some guy with a couple cans of courage in him, came up to tell me that if I interviewed him, I'd have great material to get a job with CNN - and continue to insist upon it - I was just annoyed. What a pain-in-the-arse! Can't he see I'm working?!

On our way back downtown, I vented to my photographer.
"TRS, he was flirting with you."

HE WAS?!!!

Then my photographer friend pointed out that he noticed men were flirting with me all the time - and he was amused that I never saw it!

Never did.
I guess I just never feel that desirable.
I always felt that I'm constantly putting myself out there - and never get any feedback. Always picking out guys that I'm attracted to - but sensing that they don't know that I'm there. At all.

So it's interesting that these days, I'm noticing men noticing me.

Yesterday, I ran a quick errand at the mall. Despite my better judgment I decided that I deserved a Chai Latte from TakeURBucks.
I ordered and paid, then went to stand at the end of the counter to wait for my finished drink.

There was a guy my age waiting there too, talking on his cell phone. I assessed, he was kind of cute but not fantastic. Nice eyes. The kind of guy who looks like an unmistakeably nice guy.
His drink came up and I overheard him end his phone call. "Listen, I gotta go. Call you back in a few."

He rummaged around looking for a straw for his drink... it was a yellow-green, frothy concoction. He turned to me and said, "It looks like something I would have refused to try when I was a kid."

True. We talked about it's mango, banana goodness... the finicky nature of children... and I realized - he ended his phone call just to strike up a conversation with me!

Whoa!
It didn't go anywhere - but gee - it's nice to be noticed.

I'm definitely noticing that men are looking at me differently these days.
Could it be that they can see that I know now that I deserve love, that I'm ready to find love and I'm open to meeting someone special.

Or is it just that my hair is passed my shoulders?!

In Which I Learn, He IS Cute and also In Which I Eat a Small Amount of Crow

2010-03-13T19:31:00.016-07:00

Okay friends. He is cute!
Remember the guy my friend wanted me to meet? We met for a late breakfast today.

I arrived at the restaurant first and asked the hostess if (His Name) was already there. She didn't think so, but offered to seat me. I told her I would wait, and then confidentially told her that I was meeting him for the first time. She got all giddy, and smiled and shared that she would live vicariously through me. She was so charming!

Soon after, he arrived - and I knew who he was right away. He was cute. I felt like we looked like Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks at the end of Sleepless in Seattle when they finally meet and keep looking at each other - making the reality add up with the imagery.

So yeah, he's cute. Not in a... "Oooh he's so cute." sort of way... but he's attractive, nice looking in a ... "Yeah, I could sit across the dinner table from that face for the next 40 years." sort of way.

I spent some time mentally trying to figure what celebrity I might say he resembles ... and finally settled on a cross between Jerry Seinfeld and Hugh Grant.

I know. Odd combination, right?

For the sake of discussion, I am told that I resemble either: Annette Benning, Lauren Graham or Martina McBride.

Anyway, we met for breakfast at 10:00 and stayed at the table until 12:30!!
He's nice and funny and smart. I would definitely like to see him again.

Now for the part where I eat crow.

Remember my last post where I said the guys my age in online dating look awful - 10 years older?

So I'm working at the portrait studio yesterday, and this guy comes in for a passport photo.
He is a very good looking guy. A little bald - but I dig bald. He was really handsome. I'm guessing my age within about 3-5 years.

I checked for a bare ring finger and started to put my flirt on.

I took the passport photo which is done with a Polaroid type camera. Then the photo developed and I saw him as this one dimensional figure ... his bald head looked bigger, his face looked wider ... all in all he looked... meh.

So ladies - keep in mind, not everyone photographs well. Sometimes a picture just doesn't do justice. And let's face it, with the sorts of pictures men tend to post - there's a very good chance it's not doing anybody any justice!!

Here I stand, corrected!

Photos: all found via Google Image Search

It's Ugly Out There

2010-03-11T10:00:00.006-07:00

EDIT UPDATE - Scroll down!!

It's time for me to actually get out there and meet people.

After a break up, it's natural to hibernate a bit. I'm dipping my toe in the online dating pool, but it's pretty depressing.

I'm turning 40 this year and when I look at the available 40 year old men - I really regret having saved myself for some crusty old fart! (I know, I'm sorry!)

When I was a kid, it seemed 40 was the kiss of death for women - but nowadays - let's face it, 40+ women look fantastic. (Sandra Bullock, Kelly Ripa, Sarah Jessica Parker, Madonna, Halle Berry)
My girlfriends all look fantastic too! And it's not all about genetics, about being blessed with good looks - they work to look this good. It's called being fit. (actually, I am lucky. I don't work out much anymore, but I'm still thin - though I'm not in the shape I'd like to be. And I've always looked at least 4 years younger than my actual age.)

But men my age... yeesh - they look awful! (not all of them of course - but enough for it to be disturbing)

Never mind looks. Charm can easily outweigh looks, but these guys are clueless about pursuing a woman. There is a reason they're single.

I just gotta share this exchange with this guy.

First of all, he posts a picture that doesn't even identify his face (a no-no on dating sites). An obscured face tells me he's cheating on his wife, or otherwise on a dating site in some undercover capacity.

And the fact that the only picture he does post, is all about his physique - which is nice, don't get me wrong - but it suggests that he is only interested in the physical. To be clear, this guy isn't 40 either. They really seem to go downhill the moment they turn 40!

Proceed with caution.

Here's our exchange. It took an entire week to get this far:

Him: just want to say hi
Me: (okay, that's not much to work with but I'll bite.) Hello.
Him: youre a doll
Me: (Hmm, no punctuation. Sloppy.) Yes, well... You're a man of few words it seems.
Him: ah, as are you i see

Me: No. I'm a woman. And I am a talker... writer... very wordy. But you haven't asked me anything.
Him: so you only talk if asked questions? what do you write about?

I guess I've had enough of this... or maybe I'm premenstrual...

Me: Not so much that I only talk if asked questions... but I do expect a man do something that resembles PURSUIT. You know, show some interest. Want to know something about me. Have a desire for me to know something about you.

When a guy says nothing more than "Hi." and only shares one picture that shows more of his muscles than of his face... a woman tends to think he's not so interested in building a relationship. So I sort of need to see some effort on your part. Right now, I get the impression that I'm supposed to be impressed with your body and just get on my back.

Harsh?

Maybe.

I'll admit that I didn't put much hope in the exchange to begin with because he identifies himself as 'non-religious'. That's not a deal-breaker though, because I figure he might still be worth getting to know. That identifier doesn't tell me anything about what he does believe.

Mostly, I'm bothered that he's hiding his face and flaunting his body. Yes, I want to meet a guy in good shape - so now you may accuse me of talking out of both sides of my mouth.

But the site allows you load as many photos as you want - which allows you to show many aspects of your life.

If you choose to only post one - and it's this one - I just can't believe you have intentions toward a real relationship. I'm guessing you only want a physical relationship. And if you back it up with meager communication - I think my suspicions are confirmed.

So, it's time to start getting dressed up and going out. March Madness begins soon. I only need to round up a girlfriend and sit in a sports bar filled with real live, breathing men!

So - Mr Non-Religious Fireman responded back. I quote... verbatim: "ok. no thanks"

ha ha ha ha bwwwwwhaaa ha hah!!!